[Janae]

"Suffering is asking from the world what it can never give you." - I just heard this on a

, and realized that only I am creating any ongoing suffering regarding my now demised relationship.

I cannot expect him to ever live with me without criticizing me - because that's what he does. He's intellectual and analyzes everything in a critical way. Perhaps he was trained to do that in childhood, either by his intellectual mother, or by the extensive education he was forced into prior to his eighteenth birthday.

When my son was living with us he criticized my son. When my son left, there was only me to criticize. I pointed out that this was verbal abuse (especially two hour tirades of criticisms) and it toned down but never entirely went away.

It got to the point where I just couldn't take it anymore.

I do feel some residual guilt for telling him I never want to see him again but I really meant it at the time and even now, I know that's probably what's best for me, because he's way too old to change his ways and become a non-critical person.

I didn't mean to break his heart or distress him. This was entirely a self-preservation move to get away from the negativity that he does not realize he exudes.

Thanks for reading.

I need to find peace with this and forgive both of us, and move on with my life.

[Jannaku]

Hi Janae. You are fresh out of an abusive relationship and it is going to take a long time to heal. You have been living in a war-zone for a long time and it will have taken it's toll on you. Your emotions are all over the place at the moment because you are processing what has happened and this is completely normal. Feelings of guilt, self doubt, fear, etc are normal so don't be afraid to feel them. You need to work slowly towards your own recovery from this. I think it's great that you are using PC to vocalize your feelings and hope that our responses make you feel less alone in your journey. Keep your chin up and keep walking down that road of recovery.

[Janae]

Thanks so much... I am learning to use this message board and hope to emerge from this low point in my life, to be able to help and encourage others here. Right now, I have a hard time with thinking I have anything to share with another person in emotional pain. I appreciate the hugs and kind notes I am getting here.

You're right, this hurt is too fresh and my emotions are all over the place... much confusion, then rationalization, then desire (to know things I can never know) . . . and hope that soon enough I'll feel balanced again.

[lynn P.]

I relate to your experience(haven't got out yet) and agree everything you're feeling is normal. I also live with this kind of person and its horrible never knowing when the rants will happen. I admire your courage and hope the rest of your life is peaceful. Thank you for the link.

[Jannaku]

I keep checking on your posts to see if your OK because I know how difficult this period in your life is for you. One of the worst feelings is feeling that your alone and this is where the wonderful PC community can help out. Throw your feelings out there, vent, share, do whatever, because it will help you. Keep posting x

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Janae

I need to find peace with this and forgive both of us, and move on with my life.

You do need to forgive yourself and move on with your life.

You do not need to forgive him.

Eventually, as you move on with your life, you will realize that you have learned some lessons from being with this man. But you will realize it without efforting - it will just come to you. You do not need to dwell on thinking that you need or need not forgive him.

[uncommon37]

Three marriage, why do men cheat but wants the wife to trust and take responsibility for there action. ..

[Janae]

Thanks everyone... I am handling it one day at a time. Some days better than others.

A few days ago I was wishing I could hear from him again. (Bad idea, I know.) Then I remembered that I had recorded him during one of his verbal attacks. He knew I was recording him and didn't care.

I listened to that six-minute recording of him ranting at me, making baseless and even crazy accusations, and it did the trick. At the end I remembered fully why I no longer want to live with, see, or talk to him.

Sometimes love isn't enough.

I'm so glad I got away. I wish him well and hope if he ever has another relationship it will be better than the one we had... I wish that for the well-being of whatever woman he might be with. I would not want anyone to go through what I did.

[eskielover]

It's interesting because I think I was on the other end of the situation....I was the one yelling & fighting with my H.....because from before we got married I never trusted him & he was always trying to financially do really STUPID things which I well knew having my BS in business. I fought with my parents before that for similar reasons. 33 years after getting married, I finally left my H for 2100 miles distance. I couldn't believe how the peace of not living with him or parents who were seriously not wise has made such a difference in my personality. I don't fight with friends.....I don't fight at all....life is so peaceful. It was horrible living with someone that I always felt like I had to fight with to survive....but I was born a fighter....so I wasn't about to back down. I didn't respect him from before we got married....which is why I'm sure there was NO LOVE.

I'm sure that my husband saw me as this horrible person....but he was the one that always lied about things & refused to communicate & then when I found out the things he did.....there was nothing but anger that could be felt.......sometimes it's difficult to see the other side or why the person is acting the way they are.....because we don't understand HOW they think especially when they don't communicate.....it leaves us with just our picture of what we are experiencing.

What you wrote just triggered because I realized that I could have been preceived to be very much like your H......& yet I was on the wronged side of the marriage.....it was just how I was reacting to being wronged.

Your sharing opened my blinders a bit farther......thank you.

I know that I may forgive my H in the future....but I will never forget the things he did & the lessons I learned......I know it's difficult....but time does help. I have been away for 6 years even though I haven't finished filing for the divorce which I finally started last year....needed to see how things were turning out with the house before I jumped to the next step......like you said...one step at a time.....& I personally don't care how slow because I have no desire to ever get married or bother being in a relationship ever again.

[Janae]

Thanks for the alternative perspective! I don't think our situations were anything alike though, because the man in my case took advantage of me financially most of our relationship yet also wanted to be controlling of me and my contacts with others outside our home, even my family, plus he was a verbal tyrant who did not even have a full grip on reality, accusing me of things I never did, thoughts I never had, and just plain crazy stuff at times.

Good luck with your divorce process. I guess the one lucky thing for me is that I never married him. Of course, he didn't think I was worth marrying, though I was worth having pay all the rent and utilities for seven years.

What saved me finally was that he got his Social Security granted, and was able to walk away when I told him I never wanted to see or talk to him again.

In any case, I am glad what I wrote helped you and I hope your life after marriage is much happier for you.

[Nicks_Nose]

You are very correct in regards to suffering over things we cannot control. I know very well about carrying grudges or trying to influence changes in people or organizations or environments where I know that change will be non-existent or minimal at best. I was the one to cause most of my own stress trying to change these things when I should have just accepted and moved on. While intentions may be good, such as trying to resuscitate a person not breathing, you can only try so long and accept no change eventually and move on. Many hugs to you.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Janae

A few days ago I was wishing I could hear from him again. (Bad idea, I know.) Then I remembered that I had recorded him during one of his verbal attacks. He knew I was recording him and didn't care.

I listened to that six-minute recording of him ranting at me, making baseless and even crazy accusations, and it did the trick.

Excellent! And you can replay the recording if you ever doubt yourself again.

[winter4me]

I was going to say, but will second hamster-bamster---KEEP that tape handy, listen as needed.