This girl is tearing my heart out

I had been with my wife for 10yrs and she was dealing with depression. She told me she wasn't happy but me not knowing how to deal with that kind of thing just told her to make herself happy. She was into dog training and left for California for a couple months to do training. When she came back she was addicted to crack cocaine. I tried to help. Offered her to goto rehab but she wasn't interested. We ended up separating for 5 years during which time she was in with a bad crowd, addicted to crack. She had met a guy that treated her like crap, black eyes and all but he kept her in dope. We always kept in touch and when she was down and desperate she'd come to me for help a place to stay or food or whatever. During the five years we were apart her brother passed away and she ended up moving back near her parents farm and brought that guy with her. After a while she finally dumped him and was on her own and got off the crack. She would still come to visit even though it was a 9/hr drive. After about a year of a few visits and lots of talking and texting she convinced me to quit my job sell my house and move to be with her. Things were great for the first six months then one night she came home drunk and I got mad a took off for a couple days to cool off. When I got back everything seemed to have changed in a instant. All of the sudden she didn't love me anymore. At the time I had no job because I was working on their farm so at 42/yrs old I had to move into my moms basement. I found out she was back on crack and things weren't going so well for her. I had found a job 6/hrs away and she came to visit and we had a fun week and it didn't seem to be bothering her to not be smoking crack. I managed to find a job only an hour from her a few months ago and we were getting along really well although she was still on dope but trying to deal with it. We were talking about getting back together until yesterday she told me she was with another guy but not gonna be her boyfriend. Being with her is not an option anymore although if she invited me to move back in I probably would. That's how much I love this girl. We had such a long history together and a good marriage until the drugs. Now 17/yrs after we met I'm older and goin bald and don't feel confident at getting a new girl. All my freinds live far away and I'm stuck in this little coal mining town. I just don't know how to get outta this funk I'm in. I feel like my whole life's been wasted and I have no future. I hate living here and I really miss my ex. I know things can never go back to being the same I just wanna give up. I'm not considering suicide but honestly I'd rather be dead then have to live a life of depression.

I am absolutely not an expert and in no way qualified to tell you what to do, but from the outside I see your best course of actions as....

1 - run....run far away from this destructive person and go to where your friends are and tell them all about this.

2 - Go see a therapist who can help you move on with your life. It's normal to be sad when you lose someone but it's also normal to be happy after they leave. I'm starting to see that myself.

3 - I suggest reading a book called "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and see if you recognize these behaviours in yourself. If you do, it can help you become a happier person who seeks healthy people, not broken people who need fixing.

Again I'm just some random dude on the internet, talk to some friends about what to do next.

If you want to change your life, you cannot go back to her. She had lots of time to change, and things only got worse. You can't save her without risking drowning yourself. You're already close to it. Make a commitment to stay away from her, based what what you have said here and know is best for you.

So, yeah, get help - a therapist,whatever.

I'm in BC, too. Since you are evidently not a coal miner, apply for jobs in some other geographic area that suits your skills. If you can't figure out where that is, feel free to PM me.

Don't worry about getting another partner. Once you are moving on in life, possibilities can occur. I met my husband in my 40s, and men have a longer sell-by date than women. Age shouldn't be a problem.

Thanks for the advice. I know I have to try and stay away. She texted me this morning and I'm going to try not to reply. It's just so hard, I thought she was my soulmate and we'd always be together.

I know what you mean. I have a soulmate. But if he chained himself to crack, he would have a problem I can't be part of. I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't have it in my life, either.

Turn your mind outward to what you can do for yourself.

I recently had to cut off my sister from contacting me. Even that was hard. I told her not to email me and then made it impossible to see emails from her. They get deleted off the server. She is just toxic in my life. I don't even like her, but she's my sister, so I kept the lines open. Even so it was hard to cut off. I can see it's very tough what you're going through.

We do need to make progress and move forward, or our problems will engulf us and sink our lives!

I thought I had a soulmate too but now she decided she needs space. There's no fairness in this but you need to take care of yourself. We were happy before these people came into our lives and we'll be happy again. And H3rmit is right, you'll find someone at any age...even if she's being hard on herself about her age

soul mates are good only if they do us good.
If they are bad for us, then we can pass with soul mates and have another loving person near.

She made other choices. Choices not to heal, not to step out of her problems but to add problems to existing problems.
That's her choice and you can do nothing about it, i guess.

The only thing you can ask yourself is whether you agree with those choices and if they are any good for you.

I don't think she feels like your soul mate when she is under the effect of crack, or is she?

Is there any group, even online group, to talk about relationship dependence, because you seem dependent, maybe not from the girl herself, but from the idea of the perfect love you had.

When you say that she is your soul male, you are talking about how your girl was or how she is now?
Because people change, you know. Sometimes for the better, but not always.

Again thankyou all for helping me out. I didn't reply to her text this morning but she sent another this afternoon talking about the weather and saying have a good day. I wanted to reply to her saying please don't text me anymore but only managed a "U2". For me that's kind of big step because I really wanted to start a chat with her.

No she doesn't feel like my soulmate when she is on crack but the thing is she will do it maybe once a week if that and not usually when I'm around. You are so right Bonnie I am dependent on the idea of a perfect love. When I think about her I only remember the good times and never the bad. She still feels like my soulmate because she still is the same person I fell for years ago.

I feel for ya oldlife. Breaking up is very hard to do. "Happy before they came into our life" that's gonna help me a lot. Thanks.

Yes hermit I have been applying for jobs down south and hope to get one soon. I am hoping the distance will make it easier to break my ties. I did do it once before when we split for five years but I never did get involved in another relationship. It took a couple years for me to start being happy but it eventually happened. I can't believe I got suckered into having to go through this all over again. Sorry to hear about your relationship with your sister that must be hard and I can only emagine as me and my on brother and one sister are quite close although I could never confide in them my problems because I don't want them to think badly of her.

Ok....the person I feel bad for is your Mom.....she is watching her 42 yr old son move "back" into her basement...back...as in..you came back....what were you doing in there to begin with? And then she is watching you act like a teenager over a woman whose first love is crack...you call her a "girl".... she ain't no girl....and you are not a boy....you might be two immature humans, but you are statistically known as a man and woman...who at your ages should be in another place..not where you are...

Now....how is it that you are gonna tell us that the love of your life does crack, crank and wank...but you never did? We were not born yesterday.....the truth likely is when you couldn't keep up supply of demand, she found someone who could....when his money ran out..she moved on..because female addicts do that.....your drifter status would suggest something in your life did not allow for stability....you can't have one stable person and one drifter addict in the same relationship....

I don't blame you for looking at your life and not having a zeal that makes you want to thrive...you have no job, dope, or woman.....and if you don't have dope, you won't have a woman, but if you have dope, you won't have a job...do you kind of see where this gets complicated? First of all...lots of women do not mind bald men....bald is in today....being jobless and bald? Not sure...your first priority should be to yourself...if you have any addictions, you must clean em up, get rid of them... do not take cocaine annie's phone calls....clean your mama's basement....and get a place that will be close to jobs....find a love interest on the net if you have to, but never ever allow someone to use your "bills" to poison their bodies...

Great post for a response!

Is she really worth, the way you are feeling? Married for 10 years, but lived apart for 5.

You mentioned being worried about finding a new girl, hence, settling for a cheater and an addict?

Right now, isn't the time to worry about a new relationship, lest it's the new relationship with yourself, as you heal from your depression and addiction to this woman.

Can't full well move onto a new love interest, if you are still stuck on the old one. It's considered being emotionally unavailable.