lost

hi I'm new to this but here is my story. Me and my husband met when i was sixteen (he is older by three years) we where married when i was twenty. I'm now twenty six with three kids my husband left me two weeks ago after a very minor a argument, then returned two days later only to inform me that he had never loved me and had stayed with me all these years just for the kids. he never gave me an indication he was unhappy. i mean i did the house work and cooked for him. never went out and basically cut off every one in my life because he never wanted company. i have tried to talk it out but he just calls me names then then tells me to get over because he is done with me. I'm so hurt right now and scared. I have never been alone, i have never even dated anyone else, what if he doesn't come back, what will i do? he says his only concern are our children and but he has only came to see them once. i sit up all night with them making excuses on where he is and why he left because i really don't want to bash there dad. any advice would help

hi shy, sorry to hear about what's going on....I don't know if I have any good advice but I can tell you that you seem to be a strong person if you're making excuses to your kids. I too have 3 kids but my situation is a little different. I've been married for 14 years and I'm not so sure I'm in love with my husband anymore. he's got an attitude most of the time and I feel like I can't do anything right. I cook, clean, take care of our kids and work part time but I'm just realizing I'm not happy and haven't been for some time now. but see the thing is, Im not strong enough to say " I'm done", that's my problem. I think I'm ready to be alone but in reality, I don't want to be but I don't want to be with anyone else because I've been married for so long and I don't know how my kids would handle it. my oldest is 13 and my youngest is 8. they love there dad and wouldn't bash him either but I'm kinda stuck emotionally and physically. like my sister in law told me one time, get him for child support....lol...I know it sounds mean but if your doing it out of revenge then it is mean but if your doing it for you and your kids, remember you have to think about them first. I know you will be strong because you haven't given up, it hurts and sucks that he did this to you but just give him time. don't go chasing after him, don't text or call him, maybe he'll miss you and the kids and he'll want to come back. but if he doesn't, then be strong for your kids because they need you more than ever and you really need them right now... take it one day at a time...
as for me, well, I don't know what I'm going to do.... take care

Well, basically you are going to get the opportynity to learn who YOU really are, not who you are based on what your husband wants you to be.

Personally even though your kids are young, I think it might be good to tell them that their father has some issues that he's left to work through & depending on how he works through them it's definitely possible that he won't be back.

My daughter was already out of the house & moved away when I finally left my H & to be honest, after 33 years I looked back at the issues we had before we got married & realized I was never able to trust him to be a good husband who could take care of financial issues & he had an irritating attitudes that I had realized before the wedding that I didn't like & actually had told my mother I didn't want to get married. My mother assured me that he would become responsible when he grew up (he was already 22) & I thought that well, maybe as how could someone with a computer science degree be the looser that my gut feeling was telling me he was.

We only had one child, but honestly, I wish I had never been married or had gotten a divorce early on.

It's hard to know what's going on in your H's mind as I'm sure he's NOT fully communicating with you as to what is causing his feelings to be what they are. Personally it sounds like you will be better off without him the way he's treating you. I don't know if you have been able to do volunteer work or anything outside of the house. It sounds like since you were with him from the age of 16 that he was pretty much all that your life was about then having 3 kids on top of that & it sounds like he had an attitude against allowing you to have your own life within the marriage.....but at the same time......it might be what he actually have been more the personality that he wanted in a wife.......who knows.

But in reality, it does sound like you will be better off without a guy like that as your H......& it will also give you a real chance to learn the real strengths that you do have & since you have never been on your own....it will definitely give you a good opportunity to find the real you who isn't living their life for doing for one's H & kids.

I found that I went from living at home to being married & even though I got my Accounting/computer science degree & had an engineering career for 15 years.....it was still a wonderful feeling when I left & I could really be myself (but for me anger had built up so bad I was seeing red every time I had to deal with him)......it's better to end a marriage at this point then allowing the anger to build over many years.

I understand how this has been your whole life...& it's a scary feeling when what all you have known ends up ending especially when you were thinking the marriage was find & there was love (at least on your part)....definitely understand your crushed feelings......but when we step back & really LOOK at the marriage in the big picture.....were you really happy being treated the way he treated you by keeping you away from other people? with no friends because he didn't want company......you couldn't even be yourself.

Sometimes things are look bad are really the best thing that could happen in the long run......even for the kids.....& it's not good to have them live around a H who's calling you name. Could be even better for the kids in the long run also.

Bashing Dad....is NOT a good thing but being open & honest about not getting along & even when you look back & are better able to analyze the situation, it's better to be open about it without bashing.

Thank you so much for your advice. i have been doing a lot of soul searching since that post, deep down i think i'm more afraid then anything because he's the only person i have ever been with physically and emotionally. given his recent behavior these past couple days i'm not even sure i would want him back. he is acting like a complete child running out buying a new cell phone(we are both blue collar workers so every dollar counts with little ones) playing on social media sites with other women or girls would be more appropriate. He is telling everyone that i am keeping him from his kids . When in reality i have called several times to ask if he wanted to pick them up or visit because they ask for him every day. I honestly don't know what he is getting out of this.

Shy, I would suggest contacting an attorney. You need to take care of your fiscal health along with your emotional health, and if he's frittering away what little money he has, you need to make certain he is responsible for possible child-support and if allowed in your state, alimony payments, since he's, for all intents, abandoned you. I know lawyers aren't cheap, but you will do yourself and your children a HUGE disservice if you don't contact one immediately.

Take care

Legal separation is also very important that way anything that he does that is financially irresponsible can't be held against you after the separation is filed. I can definitely understand your feelings about NOT wanting him back.....& I can understand your wondering What in the world is he getting out of his behavior?.......I have had the same questions....but then some people's thinking is so sick that there is no rational understanding of them.

You are fairly close to the state that I live in......I was surprised that the cost for getting a divorce in the state I live in is only $750....it's a lot but not like the $3000 that all the lawyers in California require just to even start a divorce proceedings......that is a huge difference & I think that's pretty normal in this area of the US even though kids add a level of difficulty to any divorce......worth looking into because a good lawyer can give you good advice so that you can protect yourself & your children against anything stupid or intentional that he might do to you

You definitely need court ordered child support. I get it's difficult raising three small kids alone, but it's possible. I know, mine were 3,4,7 when I divorced. 7,8,11 now.
If he wants to bash and claim you keep him from his kids, so he draws attention and pity, let him. It's not truth, don't make his delusions, your reality.
Life eventually moves on. Sadly, sometimes, actually more often than not, our first loves aren't our final loves.
Take the time to find out who you are, above and beyond motherhood. Don't let the loneliness and difficulty of being single and a mom, lure you to someone overly demanding and taking advantage of you. Solidify you, first. Before dating again.