[musinglizzy]

I'm so thankful I found this, I was hoping PC would have one. I am in psychotherapy, and have been since May. I have a lot of issues to try to resolve, but what ultimately brought me to therapy was the fact that I don't want to be married to my husband anymore. He is not an active father in our son's life....he's pretty much turned off. To everything. He's not a bad guy, he's just "not here." And he makes bad financial decisions. We are struggling financially. But he doesn't LIVE like we are. What brought me into therapy was him, taking out an 18K loan, behind my back. I found out the week of closing, when the credit union called two days before needing more info before the closing in two days. He also listed assets that belong to my family, not us. This is not the first time he's done something like this, last year it was a $4K TV that he ordered and I made him cancel once he told me. I'm just lost. We have been sleeping in separate rooms for over a year. We have a young teenage son. I'm lost. I feel alienated in my own home. And I wait for the next ball to drop. He is secretive. He's always on his laptop, while sitting in front of the computer, and I woke up from a nap earlier this week, walked out, and he quickly hit the X to shut a page on the computer. I looked right at him and said "you know, it drives me nuts whenever I walk into a room and you quickly shut down a screen so you dn't get caught." I didn't say any more. I care about him ad always will. I just can't be financially tied to him any longer. But I don't have the nerve...... I'm lost. It hurts... and I'm not self sufficient, so feel like I'm using him by keeping him around.

[eskielover]

It's called TRAPPED, not using......been there myself & it's taken 7 years after I moved 2100 miles away from this bad 33 year marriage to finally be able to file for the divorce.

Nice guy.....right....same thing here....but I also for my situation have figured out that his.....only this last summer did I finally figure out that the issues I was dealing with had to do with Asperger's. I was running through passive aggressive & it didn't fit 100%.....& it was definitely financial & mental abuse.....but I can see where it wasn't intentional....it was the environment that his behaviors caused.......

The final straw for me was that I had gone through a trauma with the home care person when my mother was dying of cancer...so I was dealing with PTSD & really messed up with anorexia from the stress.....& H had this thing that he could NEVER ask for help & he always KNEW EVERYTHING.....so why ask???? so he blew it big time doing the taxes on my inheritance & I owed a huge amount to the IRS.......made him pay it with a retirement fund that he had been sitting on which I figured was 1/2 mine anyway in the separation.

I thought I was reading a post that I had written when I was reading what you wrote. My H had this belief that if he didn't tell me then he wasn't lying....but I clued him in.....being silent is the same thing as lying!!!!.

I actually had a computer engineering career until the last 13 years of living with him & stupid me.....I hid out in my career & he kept telling me that 2 can live cheaper than one & since I wasn't wanting to leave the marriage for someone else....we might as well leave it as a business partnership (HUGE MISTAKE!!!!!)......when my career ended...I was trapped in the dang marriage & couldn't get out because of the financial situation & the house being upside down & all the medical bills I was having in the psych hospitals.....realize now that they were my escape from the bad marriage as was the suicide attempts as I felt that was my only way out.....but sort of messed myself up also because the IRA money was gone paying off medical bills & all the thinking was that I was depressed because of the loss of my career (including me).....so obviously buying things with money we didn't have would solve my depression problem & by that time I was so messed up, I couldn't have handled the finances....I had already bailed us out once & he didn't learn from what I was teaching him (I also had an accounting degree along with a computer science minor)

I couldn't figure out how such a nice guy with such a high IQ could be so absolutely dysfunctional & have absolutely NO common sense. There were issues before we got married back in 1975....but I didn't understand what was causing them.....ended up being the same things that I finally left him for (attitude issues, inability to communicate, & financial incapability) & over 33 years of having to deal with him & his personality I actually grew to hate him & actually see red anytime I had to be near him.....having anything to do with him was nothing but a total nightmare & still is. The divorce papers have gone out to him.....however if he deals with it like he did the IRS....he completely ignored them ....who in their right mind ignores the IRS....& doesn't even tell me about the IRS letter??? So I see him ignoring the divorce papers (they get mailed since we live in different states).

Looking back I am sorry that I didn't just push through the divorce since I have ended up with NOTHING anyway.....& he would always tell me when I said I was going to file that he wouldn't let this or that go & would fight me.....just to manipulate my staying. Found out at one on the last times we were together that he didn't want to get divorced because he thought it would make him look like a failure (duh....you think that your wife leaving you 7 years ago & leaving everything doesn't say the same thing????)....he definitely has a strange way of looking at things.

Anyway....I lived in a separate wing/area of our home for over 13 years before I could finally leave & it was HELL.....so I would basically suggest going ahead just sorting out what it the best way to separate the assets & the liabilities & get out before it gets worse.....but that's based on my own experience......only you really know what you have to deal with & that can definitely be the determining factor when it comes down to it.

Think that one can file for separation & that stops any of his financial messes of being assigned to you after that point....only things before end up being divided.....but you might want to go to a free consult of a divorce lawyer & ask for their input.....that can give you better insight of what you are really dealing with.

Like I said...sadly, I really relate to what you are going through .....there is definitely an out....but it's not always that easy to get there.

[musinglizzy]

Thank you for your input. Looks like you have horses, and that's one thing I worry about too. He'd never owned a horse in his life. I have for the last 32 years. My old one died, I sold another years ago, so the only horses we have are the ones we got during the marriage.....I have 6 in all. He would never want them, nor would he have a place to keep them, but I could see him trying to use them to hurt me. And, he would fight for our dog big time, before he'd fight for our kid. I hope it's a long way off yet, but I'm due for a decent inheritance, and part of me wonders if he sticks around for that. I live in a 50/50 state. Although I believe gifts and inheritances don't count if they are handled correctly. We are simply roommates. But, money is tight, and he continues to spend. He secretly opened up his own account years ago, and has a sum automatically deducted from his paycheck and put in there every week. "play money." But here I am, fighting to pay the bills, while he has this personal account. Whenever we argue, I bring that up, and he says "all you have to do is ask." Um, no. I did once, Asked for some of "his" money to help pay the bills, and I got nagged for a good log time because "I" didn't have the money to "pay him back." We've been married 14 years. Aside from the money issue, there's the piss poor father issue, and there are others I just don't want to say "out loud." I had a hard enough time telling my T about it. I dream of a time where I can just be independent and self sufficient. Last spring, I opened my own checking and savings account, and have not told him. There's not much in it....barely worth keeping track of, but I figured I'd better have my own account set up. I have also taken his name off of the vet clinic accounts, etc etc. We really don't argue. He doesn't abuse me mentally or physically, I should be counting my blessings. But there's no connection there....and I'm afraid he's going to drive me to bankruptcy if things continue the way they are. He'll talk about something he wants....I will have to tell him we just dont' have the money, and eventually, he goes out and gets it anyway, eventually. And he's constantly sneaking around on the computer, makes me wonder what he's looking into NOW.....I told him after the loan in April, I will NEVER be able to trust him again. and you bet your *** I meant it. I am also quite sure I would never get married again.

[musinglizzy]

Is this not a very active board?

[hopingforpeace]

My husband is similar with the finances. I don't agree with his spending. Before marrying him, I was a single mother for 18 years and always paid my bills, if I had to use the credit card to make ends meet, I would always pay it off the next month. My son and I always eat meals from home, only eating at restaurants a couple of times a year while he gets food from restaurants 3 meals a day for his children (his children because he keeps us from being a family, it's him and his kids, me and my son and me and him). He was devastated when filing "his tax return" the first year because it was several thousand less now that we are married - but he doesn't even consider that I used to get a tax refund as well. He's so self centered. I sold my house (losing half the equity I had built up due to the market) so I don't have anywhere to go right now. I have to stay put, because i don't want to burden my parents. I think we will be roommates too. We get along just fine as long as it doesn't have to do with finances or his parenting techniques (he spent the money I gave him -$20k over the past 2 years - on bribery and rewards - it's infuriating). Well I hope you find your way towards your goal of independence.

[eskielover]

Yes, different states handle inheritance differently....I found that out by personal experience........

NEVER put your inheritance into the common house fund.....if you are still married....keep it in the trust account or in your own private account because as soon as you mix it or even use it for "OUR" crap....it becomes the 50/50.....that was the way California works.

I kept all my inheritance money in the trust account & when I sold my mother's house, I put all the money from the sale into that account also. Being an only child, it was easier for me because I was the only one other than my daughter that got any inheritance from my Mom.......think my mom thought that my H would get it through me.....& I'm sure he thought he would & I'm even more sure that his parents thought I would bail him out from the mess he got us into with my inheritance.....Instead....I LEFT & moved 2100 miles away.....2 years later but at least I finally got out. I never mixed the money into OUR account. I loaned him some money to fix up the house in Calif but I made that loan with the agreement that it was to be paid back out of the refi of the house when it went through. I ended up getting it back but he went to a bankruptcy lawyer & they told him that because that money was used for OUR home that it was no longer considered my inheritance......don't think he said anything about the agreement that we had made regarding the money & that I only agreed to LOAN it to him.....so....what I learned....if you do loan any of your inheritance money....GET EVERYTHING IN WRITING!!!!!!! or the courts will definitely try to screw you......along with your H.

Also, I don't think that inheritance is safe from a bankruptcy & don't think there is any way to protect it either......even buying my farm didn't protect my inheritance money from the bankruptcy my H was thinking about doing either....but then he had been procrastinating about doing it for over 10 years & never did......most of the debt just ended up vanishing into credit collectors & there was actually no money & they were after him not me......but I never talked to any of the lawyers so I don't know that my H even got it straight what they said because he never got anything else straight either.....so I doubt that he got that straight either.

I ended up moving to a state (KY) where it's a dowry state......in other words...your inheritance becomes OURS immediately so I had to put everything that I bought with my inheritance into my LLC in my name only .....& even though H wasn't on the deed to my farm...I paid cash for it, ......he had to file a quit claim so that he had no claim to it in the divorce (which I knew was going to be coming)....& I needed it to protect my farm against his financial irresponsibility. According to my lawyer it didn't protect my assets it just took them off the radar & they would have to look at a second layer as to who owned the LLC to end up coming after what I owned.....so I protected myself as best I could that way.

I definitely understand what you are going through....reading what you write...almost thought it was me writing it. The lies by not saying anything....his belief...."if you don't say it, it's NOT a lie".....BS

He even asked me for money to go back to college out of my inheritance....I told him that if he did his research & was able to tell me what companies would be willing to hire people with that certificate program at his age & what kind of income they make & how long it would take to get through the program & would think about it.....but he got angry at me for asking him to do any research....he wanted me to just hand him the money....Do I LOOK STUPID????

I have come to realize with research that all those years what I was dealing with was someone with Asperger's........at least that's the only thing that 100% explains ALL the issues that I was having problems with & it showed where some of the things came from like never feeling a connection in the marriage.....like Mr nice guy could do the nice things he had been taught....but he did them without any feeling....& it was like he was always living in another world & it was like I was speaking a foreign language every time I tried to talk to him.....33 years of that was ENOUGH.....I'm sure there was a lot of "JUST JERK" mixed in with what was going on.....but it was definitely enough!!!!....so much that I was actually seeing red every time I had to deal with him before I left....& even after for several years after the IRS situation where he totally ignored the letter they sent....but it was back taxes owed on my inheritance because he had filed it WRONG that year & I was dealing with PTSD...not fighting with him to take it to a CPA to have the taxes done....he insisted that he KNEW exactly how to handle it......so I ended up owing back taxes because he blew it....I made him take a retirement fund which was just enough to cover the IRS bill for about 6 years....& I got the penalties removed so it was just interest & the tax.

I really feel for you....& I wouldn't trust your H either after that loan situation....there were things my H did that made me not trust him....but I had this problem myself....always thought I should be able to trust my H....would ask him questions & he wasn't able to say he didn't know the answer...he always had to know the answer to EVERYTHING...so it would end up a lie.....I finally realized that as long as I lived around him.....I wouldn't be able to completely cut him OUT of my life...only way for me was to leave as I tried the separate parts of the house for almost 13 years before I finally was able to leave.

Keep writing here....sometimes I know at least for me...it helps to put my thoughts together in a written form & to get some feedback....but clarifying my own mind with the written word helps me think better about my thoughts.....hope it works the same for you

Like I said....I totally feel for what you are going through

[musinglizzy]

It's interesting....although he won't see a therapist himself or attend marriage counseling, I did get him to meet my T. Her first impression of him was that he may have Asperger's. Thank you much for the tips.

[musinglizzy]

Ok, are there any other boards for topics like this that are more active?

[eskielover]

Very interesting......no wonder they sound so similar.

This is the only board regarding marriage divorce/separation...but the relationships forum that this is under is more active...most people unless they are going through a divorce or separation don't go here but those with any different relationship issues post in just the plain relationship board.

Interesting reading in the Asperger's forum to get a feel for what they are going through....but posting there doesn't get the best results either.
A lot of times when something is posted in general it will end up being moved to the appropriate forum....but there might be some issues that you might make into a general topic & go there with it....lots of activity there but posts get off the page quickly because of that also.....just keep posting to keep the thread up there & people will at least read it....some don't reply even if they read if they don't feel they have anything helpful to say.....but just keep posting people will come by & read & reply.

There is a really good book to read about Asperger's. It's called The Coomplete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome by Tony Attwood....gives a lot of insight....doesn't make it any easier to live with some of the serious issues but at least it helps understand what might be going on....for me it just lessened my level of anger because I realized that he wasn't being a total jerk on purpose but it was the way his brain was working (or NOT) as the case may be.

[Mid-Life-Larry]

I have to add something from my own perspective:

Some of us (men) try REALLY hard. We aren't perfect. Especially when we have mental health 'issues' we are dealing with. Society, family, friends aren't very "understanding" when we admit to having "emotional issues". Many of us grew up with mom's and dad's of the generation who believed it was WEAK to ask for help, especially psychological help.

So we push on and try to hide it and we hide it so well sometimes we convince ourselves that our actions and thoughts are sane and rational.

A lot of times, we 'sense' our wife is unhappy, but most of the time we don't know WHY -- we can be very THICK HEADED like that !!!

We usually never ask, but we always silently look for guidance, support, even a slight kick in the *** so we know you care and also to bring us back on course.

[eskielover]

In my situation.....I let it be known exactly WHY I was having issues....at least the things that I understood & KNEW exactly why.....when asked why he did something....for 33 years I was met with the childish answer "I don't know".......& when explaining things there were only so many hundred different ways of trying to explain only to me met with this blank look like I was speaking in a foreign language.

After analyzing it after I left.....I finally understood the cause but it didn't change the fact that I couldn't live like that any longer. One of the last comments I got from him was that "I thought you would continue tolerating me for the rest of our lives".....& "I can't change, it's my personality".....well, taking DBT....it's definitely possible for a NORMAL person to change their personality when they want to & with practice.....but I realized that when dealing with Asperger's.....his statement was correct (basically).

It took more than a slight kick in the *** to even get through to him & even a baseball bat & leaving made no difference with him......he was always in his own world & no one could reach him....but he made himself look normal by doing nice things if he understood it was the right thing to do....otherwise....he was LOST in SPACE. Got so tired of fighting it wasn't worth it any longer & accepting his behavior to have to live with the rest of my life wasn't an option any longer.

Maybe more normal H's who deal with some MI's can be worked with....others.....NOT....after 33 years.....there was no more caring or energy....especially when I started really seeing red every time I had to deal with him. I thought that was just a saying until I really experienced it.