[fraiser]

I'm sure people who co parent need to be civil. But for the most part wanting to remain friends is denial that the marriage is dead. I know this because I wanted to remain friends with mine. He was willing to be friends but never called. Never bothered with me. I realize I wasn't ready to admit he didn't love me anymore. I had a bad depressive episode after the divorce but still couldn't see it was my inability to let go. After many months I couldn't shake this undefined sadness. It kept haunting me. I finally got it. It was over. The grieving began and it was and still is brutal. I wrote him a letter last night letting him know how destructive his behavior was in my life and that I was better than that, etc. He won't want to be friends when he reads this, leaving no doubt in my mind that he may come back or its over.

I never in my wildest dreams would have thought that divorce could be so devastating. But it is. I feel deeply for all here who are struggling. Don't put off the grieving process. You can't avoid it. It will chase you down until you face it. Then you have to start accepting the unacceptable.

[Fuzzybear]

[LadyShadow]

(((((hugs))))))

I am glad you are sticking to your guns and putting your foot down. I think you did a good thing by pouring out your feelings in that letter to let your ex know how you really feel.

I managed to stay friends with my ex, but I wasn't married to him. We just always had a close friendship. I can truly say I have learned to open up and love again while still remaining friends with my ex, that's how you know you have truly moved on.

Good luck to you, and remember we are here for you through your grieving process.

[fraiser]

I don't know what to do with these feelings. Abrupt abandonment. Even after the letter there is no relief. I've never played the victim in my life, and being one is dreadful. I miss him and there is nothing I can do about it. Not to be wanted leaves me empty. I don't want to whine about it and push people away. What do you do?

[CantExplain]

There's a part of you that doesn't accept it's over, I think. That stops you from grieving and moving on.

[healingme4me]

My therapist would describe it, as some people have struggles with emotionally divorcing their ex spouses. I am not, quite certain, how to describe what the path to healing for that is, as it was explained to me, in terms of my exh.

He has struggled and continues to struggle with how he'd pushed me away and mistreated me, in marriage, and even after marriage. Not to say, that's how things were for you, but it's my reality. He'd told me,[my ex], numerous times, that it was all my mom's fault, that I'd divorced, that she had turned me against him, and many other things were said.

I hope you are able to reach a place, of acceptance, in your grief process.

[Mike_J]

You should be civil for the kids sake, but I wouldn't even try to be friends with an EX spouse

My first ex-wife and I are the best of friends. Now!! We were best friends before we got married, but we couldn't live w/ each other. We would have both committed murder. After our divorce, it took us about 12 years to start talking to one another again, and now we are back to being best friends, and that's all it will ever be. In fact her current husband and I are really good friends as well.

I know weird.

[gloamingone]

My ex-husband and I are best friends. We've been divorced for 12 years, and it's been great having him as a friend. We have two children together, and it's been wonderful for them to see us get along so well!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[davmid]

Fraiser,

I feel for you. It's been over a year since we parted and it hurts every day. We were together for 20 yrs. and have two teenagers. One thing that helps me get through the day is finding the things that are good about ME... and trying really hard to share those things with my kids.

I haven't worked out how to interact with the person who was, for so long, my partner in life and my best friend, but in time I think I will and I hope you will too. It wasn't supposed to turn out this way. But it did. We have to keep living and find our way.

I want to get through this and I want you to, too. Let's keep trying.

David

[krisakira]

My husband is good friends with his ex wife. But I don't mind because she is lesbian now. In fact, in June we are going to her and her partner's wedding. I don't feel weird about it at all.

[chromegirl]

Originally Posted by fraiser

I never in my wildest dreams would have thought that divorce could be so devastating. But it is. I feel deeply for all here who are struggling. Don't put off the grieving process. You can't avoid it. It will chase you down until you face it. Then you have to start accepting the unacceptable.

You just hit the nail on the head for me. I have been separated for just over 4 years (I am finally in the middle of actually filing for divorce), and I am only beginning to realize now that in my relief of getting off the crazy train of our relationship (he'd had multiple affairs, left me for another woman) I'd mistaken relief for healing. I am only now experiencing the repercussions of delayed grief- I bought into this myth that we were still friends for too long after the break, but he is not a friend. He's betrayed me over and over, both while married and after, and has caused me incredible harm in so many ways. He did not respect me, and he didn't respect me willfully so. I don't want to be "friends" with someone who has treated me that way.

I am instead trying to forge a new path of business-like co-parenting, where there is no emotional enmeshment. But that's not friends in my books.

Originally Posted by fraiser

I never in my wildest dreams would have thought that divorce could be so devastating. But it is.

It is. 2 years from when my ex decided to leave, and I am finally independent, happy, living again and even involved again with someone new. But.. it was a rough time the majority of the first year. Even though after just a few weeks I realized our marriage was not based on love and I had no feelings for her, there was still a grieving process to deal with and the emptiness and loneliness did take it's toll anyway. so if one is left and they still love their ex, I can imagine it being even more devastating and painful.

I feel deeply for all here who are struggling. Don't put off the grieving process. You can't avoid it. It will chase you down until you face it. Then you have to start accepting the unacceptable.

Denial will not allow one to get past it. I wholeheartedly agree. It has to be faced and overcome. By facing it and looking the monster straight in the face, only then can it be slain and one can accept the new life and world before them.

*hugs*
~S4

[Nanodown]

There is so much wisdom here. I was the one who left. Emotionally, to leave him was easy because he had treated me and the kids so badly for so many years that it was a relief to leave. On the flip side, leaving a marriage and a family is hard. I think I may have put off my grief for that and it is showing up now...more than a year later. Right now, I am working on putting myself together to be a whole person on my own. I was correct to leave him because he is a negative draining person...but that does not mean that there are not other repercussions. I hope that we can be civil someday. For the kids. And I am speaking as a mother of adults.

M

[eskielover]

I was the one that left also.....7 years ago I moved 2100 miles away....but that was after 13 years of living in separate areas of the same house. We were actually married for 33 years even though the last 13 were living in the same house but separate areas of the house.

I have felt absolutely no grief in leaving.....& the only thing I can think is that I never loved him from even before we got married.....he had some attitude issues before we got married that turned me off & looking back, I don't ever remember feeling a feeling of LOVE for him. Even though we have a daughter together......I truly don't remember every having feelings of love.....I was angry even when I found out I was pregnant because the one thing he said (about quitting college for a few years) went completely against what I had stated as marriage conditions before we ever got married. I actually was so angry I kicked him out then.

With all the fighting that happened in the marriage....my life was finally so peaceful & had no grief to feel in was nothing but complete joy. Any feelings of friendship I might have had at the beginning of the marriage had actually turned into HATE before I left....& I was literally seeing red every time I fought with him. It was a fight to get him to communicate in our marriage....& he never communicated after I left & I didn't miss him in the least which truly made me know that at least the separation was permanent......then the things he did after I left like not telling me about the IRS back taxes he had messed up on my inheritance....& not telling me about not paying the property taxes or the house payments even though my name was still on the property........those were the final nails in the marriage coffin & definitely only reinforced the hate I had been feeling for him. I think when I finally get the divorce final (out of state divorce isn't the easiest thing to do) I will be in full celebration.....never having felt one moment of grief. Our daughter is fully supportive of me even though she does love her dad.....he never communicates with her any more then he communicates with me.......it's like he's completely shut down.......but then again.....with more & more information I read of Asperger's....I'm almost positive that he's somewhere on the spectrum.......as one T commented about it when I first moved here & was telling him about some of the things I had gone through in my marriage especially after the IRS situation.......can't DX from just things like that.....but the more I read & look back at his behavior....the more it seems to be an accurate fit in many ways.....it would also explain the attitude issues I had with him before we got married & the fact that if his mom made food he didn't like he would storm out of the house & go eat at McDonalds......I told him if he ever did that with me....the door would be closed & the locks would be changed & he would NEVER be welcome.....at least that sunk into his head.

[SeekerOfLife]

My Ex and I get along better now than when we lived together (married). But, actually, I wish he would stop calling me. Part of the problem is I have no real friends. And it nice for someone to call me. I call a few people on a regular basis. But no real friendships.

[Perna]

My husband and I have his ex-wife over for Mother's Day and go to her house often with the rest of the family for Easter, Thanksgiving, Christman, etc. I don't know about "friends" in the sense that I-pick-you-to-be-my-friend, but I do not think one should try to rip someone out of their life just because they are not part of it now. My husband's ex-wife is mother to his children and grandmother to the grandchildren. I have an example of it both ways as she burnt her bridges with my husband's brother's family so we often have awkward holidays where a big chunk of us have to go to two parties, etc.

[fraiser]

I just couldn't heal hearing his voice or receiving his mail. It stopped and starting to feel better. I really can't even speak about him because that makes me cry.

[rukspc]

Originally Posted by fraiser

I don't know what to do with these feelings. Abrupt abandonment. Even after the letter there is no relief. I've never played the victim in my life, and being one is dreadful. I miss him and there is nothing I can do about it. Not to be wanted leaves me empty. I don't want to whine about it and push people away. What do you do?

What's worse is when the other person moves on without you. My ex wants to be friends and claims he will always be there when I need him but I just can't be friends because I'm too hurt. The communication is so different after a break-up. I feel numb and empty too. And now I am learning to face my grief and accept that we will never be.

[jimmy rich]

Originally Posted by fraiser

What do you do?

I was doing a lot of Emotional Recovery work and opening up the lake of buried, hidden and stuffed down feelings that had plagued me since early childhood and, in the process of facing my unhealed feelings, I had to face unhealed feelings and events in my then marriage. After working on my issues for a while, it became obvious that I could no longer stay in an abusive, dysfunctional, frightening and going nowhere marriage so I LEFT HER!
A wise and experienced friend in Recovery meetings told me to write down all of the reasons that I was leaving my wife and put it in my wallet BECAUSE sooner of later I would be tempted to forgive and forget and GO BACK TO HER! I laughed at the time but did what he said and then, sure enough, about a month after leaving her, I had these sad, lonely and fearful impulses to kiss and make up but that list of grievances in my wallet SAVED ME! I gradually learned to live on my own and become FREE so I have never regretted leaving my 1st marriage. I only regret that, after I learned how to make a relationship work, she had no interest in such silly things otherwise we might still be together. I am happily married now and we both know how to make it work and WORK AT IT!
In my current opinion, almost everyone suffers from bottled up, unhealed & painful feelings from early childhood and that is why so many suffer so much when a relationship ends and some or all of their painful, unfinished business from way before their last relationship comes back up to be felt and RESOLVED but so few know how to do this and fewer still have he courage to go find out how to get resolved. I have no idea how our divorce effected my ex but, since I knew she was carrying a lot of unhealed wounds from her own family, I can only imagine that she suffered a lot - BUT not because of me or our sad and trouble marriage - BECAUSE of unhealed feelings from her own early childhood in a rather messy family back in England.
IMO, unfinished business is ALWAYS the problem.
jim

[Melodic]

It's hard to stay friends when either person wants different things. It's just torture for the one with feelings. But my gosh, stories of divorce make me want to stay the hell away from ever being in a relationship. I would be crushed completely if my an SO left me after so many years. Maybe I'll stay single forever.

[tabenda]

My husband and I lived together, quite civilly, and friendly for a year as "separated". It was fine for the most part, but as time wore on I could see that he wanted less and less to be friendly. Now that we live apart, he clearly wants nothing to do with me and I let it be. I know that if he had left me, instead of vice versa, I would need to cut things off to help myself get over him.

[semeon]

Originally Posted by rukspc

What's worse is when the other person moves on without you. My ex wants to be friends and claims he will always be there when I need him but I just can't be friends because I'm too hurt. The communication is so different after a break-up. I feel numb and empty too. And now I am learning to face my grief and accept that we will never be.

I support you. I have an idea of what you have been going through. Be strong. You will feel better in time.

Semeon

[rukspc]

Originally Posted by semeon

I support you. I have an idea of what you have been going through. Be strong. You will feel better in time.

Semeon

Thank you, Semeon! Good luck to you too. Hugs.

[meadow-lorn]

I am happy to hear that life feels better since you separated.