[continuosly blue]

Short version : Filed for a no fault divorce. Signed an agreement trying to " simplify " settling things without too much lawyer involvement. No kids under 18. Just me and her.

I basically left with nothing just to get out.
She never handed in the final papers to the court for the " final decree ".
So we are still legally married. She did this for financial reasons. Now I can make
her hand in those papers but in all honesty it will cost me too. So we're basically
just separated even though I live elsewhere.
Here's my conundrum : I wanted to get the final decree so it will be done and official.
Also because I wanted ALL ties cut so there would have to be no communication.

Because of the way it is now I feel the umbilical cord has not been cut and I can't
psychologically move on. I'm starting to feel like paying the price for this to happen.
Also is she still trying to hurt me psychologically ?
She knows how fragile I am.

Heeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllllllllppppppppppppppppppp.

[Skeezyks]

Hello continuously blue: It's been a few days since you posted this Thread. I hope your situation is improving. I'm sorry this is proving to be so difficult. Best wishes...

[continuosly blue]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Hello continuously blue: It's been a few days since you posted this Thread. I hope your situation is improving. I'm sorry this is proving to be so difficult. Best wishes...

Thanks Skee , guess there was really nothing anybody could say ? I'd hate to think nobody wanted to answer me. I mean it is a post for this forum right ? Basically it was just a rant. I mean I know what has to be done.
I'm just surprised there's nobody else in the same type of situation. At the time I posted it I was pretty upset but I've settled down.

Thanks again

[marmaduke]

The only thing you can do is disconnect yourself emotionally. You can write to her and ask her to hand the final papers in and state that you have given her everything for a clean break. Was she a difficult controlling person?

Lawyers are ridiculously expensive.

Keep the letter as proof of the facts.

Doing this is her way of keeping control, so, switch off thoughts of her do not over react or let her see you angry or hurt it will feed her control and let her know she is still pulling your strings.
Be calm, disinterested. Without giving her attention eventually she will become bored.

[unaluna]

As long as you have proof she was served (i think) after x months they will just grant the divorce anyway. I think. Cuz shes not contesting it.

[Skeezyks]

Things move pretty quickly here on PC. And depending on who's here at the time, sometimes Threads just fall through the cracks, as the saying goes.

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by continuosly blue

Short version : Filed for a no fault divorce. Signed an agreement trying to " simplify " settling things without too much lawyer involvement. No kids under 18. Just me and her.

I basically left with nothing just to get out.
She never handed in the final papers to the court for the " final decree ".
So we are still legally married. She did this for financial reasons. Now I can make
her hand in those papers but in all honesty it will cost me too. So we're basically
just separated even though I live elsewhere.
Here's my conundrum : I wanted to get the final decree so it will be done and official.
Also because I wanted ALL ties cut so there would have to be no communication.

Because of the way it is now I feel the umbilical cord has not been cut and I can't
psychologically move on. I'm starting to feel like paying the price for this to happen.
Also is she still trying to hurt me psychologically ?
She knows how fragile I am.

Heeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllllllllppppppppppppppppppp.

Get a lawyer. Bottom line, period. Pay whatever it costs. If you cannot get the papers in your hand to file yourself, go to a lawyer. Who cares why she did it? She may be irresponsible, she may be trying to hurt you, maybe both, maybe another reason we will never know but if you want a clean break and to move on do whatever it takes to do that. You can earn more money, it's harder to build back self-esteem, heal from hurt, etc.

[shezbut]

I do recommend going forward with the divorce, whether or not your wife chooses to contest it. My reason: while the two of you may be separated, you are still legally bound by the courts. Which means that if your wife decides to buy things, you are considered to be financially responsible.

Trust me on this one! While my ex-hub and I went through an amicable divorce, we had to go through a bankruptcy together before our divorce went through, because I was considered to be just as responsible for his purchases & I could not afford them. That really sucked!!

Protect yourself & go for the divorce. Sorry that you're in such pain! Gentle hugs sent your way. Things will get better, but it takes time.

[continuosly blue]

Thanks guys for your suggestions. I mean this thing has to be over. It's going to be hard enough trying to bounce back from almost a 40 yr. marriage and what seems to me as a life wasted.
But it really wasn't wasted. I did a lot of good I have two grown daughters who loved me and I loved them but my wife brainwashed them into making me a monster. I mean if you had an argument with your husband/wife would you then call your son/daughter and tell them what happened and make up lies ? What business is it of theirs ?

What hurts the most is they won't give me any credit for the good I did. Supported them in all ways.
I'm sorry for the ramble. Thank God for PC.

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by continuosly blue

Thanks guys for your suggestions. I mean this thing has to be over. It's going to be hard enough trying to bounce back from almost a 40 yr. marriage and what seems to me as a life wasted.
But it really wasn't wasted. I did a lot of good I have two grown daughters who loved me and I loved them but my wife brainwashed them into making me a monster. I mean if you had an argument with your husband/wife would you then call your son/daughter and tell them what happened and make up lies ? What business is it of theirs ?

What hurts the most is they won't give me any credit for the good I did. Supported them in all ways.
I'm sorry for the ramble. Thank God for PC.

Likely your soon to be ex will show her true colors with your children. They will figure out that there's never just one "bad guy" in a relationship. Sounds like she has really bad boundaries!

[continuosly blue]

OK. Quick update , important. Had to talk to her for some reason and as usual I got into it with her so I lost it and called her something I don't like to say or hear. And I've said and heard a lot. I then hung up.

I immediately texted her back and apologized profusely.

Guess who the reply came from ? Not my soon to be ex-wife , but one of my daughters !( Her and her husband just moved into my ex-house to "help" my ex and themselves.) Now my daughter and I don't talk or see each other , ( her choice ). Anyway she burned me at the stake using words that I know would come out of my ex's mouth. Her last sentence was she doesn't want to associate with someone who would call his wife a ****.

NOW. There's the proof I've been looking for and suspecting all along !!! There's no way she could have known I said that word unless my ex-wife told her !
That B**** has been doing this for years. Sabotaging my relationship with them. I don't believe children of any age should hear about their parents business. But all these years every time we had an argument they would be the first to know the details.

Anyhow I was so angry and hurt that I told my wife she better hand in those final papers to my lawyer or we're heading for court. ( She never handed in the final papers because of financial reasons , therefore I wasn't legally divorced yet.)

Well I got an email from her saying she was going to comply ! The papers will be handed into the court and they will issue a final decree. FINALLY BREAKING THAT UMBILICAL CORD ! I needed this done to really move on.
You know it was almost 40 years.
I was going to put all kinds of happy and crazy emoticons but I can't.
This is only a temporary moment of happiness. I now willl truly be free.

But with freedom comes responsibility. I have to learn how to live.
I found the word I was looking for , bittersweet . It was bitter and sweet.
What a contradiction ! But the perfect word to describe how my life was in my marriage. Actually it's a good word to describe life itself.

Ok. I'm shutting up now before I get all misty eyed.
I tend to get emotional and philosophical.
Two minutes ago I was happy typing this great news I've been waiting for
and now I'm crying. Wow.

Well , as they say in certain places , thanks for listening. And your support.

& a to you guys

[hannabee]

Sounds like you're getting the short end of the stick as far as your children are concerned. Shame on them and her for turning them against you. 40 years is a reallllllly long time! Hopefully it won't take that long to move forward and start a new, better life with someone else. Hang in there!

[continuosly blue]

Originally Posted by hannabee

Sounds like you're getting the short end of the stick as far as your children are concerned. Shame on them and her for turning them against you. 40 years is a reallllllly long time! Hopefully it won't take that long to move forward and start a new, better life with someone else. Hang in there!

Hi Hannabeee , thank you for your kind words. I got the short end of the stick as far as everything is concerned.

1. I didn't want a long drawn out expensive divorce so I pretty much gave her everything just to get out.
2. She brainwashed my children , portraying me as the sole reason for all the conflict between me and her.
3. I was abandoned by them all. They treat me now like I never existed.

The part that I'm trying to get over in therapy is how I'm not getting any credit for anything good I did.
And also how they will never admit any wrong doing or say "I'm sorry for hurting you ".

They have no idea or concept of what real mental illness is and the struggle I've been through my whole life.
I don't want their sympathy , just an honest adult conversation.

BTW : If it takes me another 40 years to move forward then I will have to continue this conversation from the other side !

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by continuosly blue

Hi Hannabeee , thank you for your kind words. I got the short end of the stick as far as everything is concerned.

1. I didn't want a long drawn out expensive divorce so I pretty much gave her everything just to get out.
2. She brainwashed my children , portraying me as the sole reason for all the conflict between me and her.
3. I was abandoned by them all. They treat me now like I never existed.

The part that I'm trying to get over in therapy is how I'm not getting any credit for anything good I did.
And also how they will never admit any wrong doing or say "I'm sorry for hurting you ".

They have no idea or concept of what real mental illness is and the struggle I've been through my whole life.
I don't want their sympathy , just an honest adult conversation.

BTW : If it takes me another 40 years to move forward then I will have to continue this conversation from the other side !

Give yourself some credit, even if they can't! They may not acknowledge that you did good things, but you know you did. It's not about what they give you credit for, it's about knowing you did the right things and are doing the right things. Their opinions do not matter, not one bit. I know that they do matter to you but it causes pain if we hang onto these kinds of situations wanting validation from other people. Sometimes, they derrive pleasure from not giving it to us, so we have to create our own validation and closure.

Your kids are adults and they will come around. They are hopefully mature enough to know that it's never just ONE person's problem. You and your ex-wife both made mistakes.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by DBTDiva

Give yourself some credit, even if they can't!

Your kids are adults

They are hopefully mature enough to know that it's never just ONE person's problem. You and your ex-wife both made mistakes.

I quoted this part, yes, this! I'm an adult, watching from the sidelines my father and second wife still going through divorce proceedings, this has been going on for almost two years. And yes, I'm tossing in his second wife of 25 years. As an adult and someone that has observed a multitude of varying relationship circumstances, I find it tomfoolery to even begin to choose sides. If a marriage cannot survive, it wasn't because of just one individual.

I omitted the "they'll come around " part, not for argument, but because if their own sense of logic isn't there, there's truly no guarantee. You may have the mi that you have, OP, but that doesn't preclude others around you from having something of their own.



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[Fennel61]

Divorce is hard, no matter which side you are on...

You describe yourself as being fragile, but your wife is, too. It sounds like you are the initiator of the divorce. She's been married to you for forty years and she didn't want this ending of your relationship.

Your daughters are grown up and I'm sure they've seen the dynamic between you and your soon to be ex wife over the years. You admit to calling your wife up, starting a fight with her and calling her something incredibly foul. I hope you can understand that this would be upsetting to both she and your daughter.

I hope that you can hold your tongue and be a bit more diplomatic with your wife, for the sake of your relationship with your daughters, if nothing else. It's sort of normal for her to lean on your daughter for support- she's losing her identity as a married woman and she's doubtless feeling very abandoned and anxious.

Give it some time and treat kindly...and I think your kids will come around when the dust settles.

Best of luck...