It's been near 6 yrs and 2 relationships since, but my ex husband of 16yrs still is a thorn in my side and I'm not coping well.

I've ranted about him in other posts; about his behaviour when we were together, about his hoarding and hiding of money, the affairs etc

I've had a really hard time watching his gloriously wonderful life from afar when I really don't have one at all in comparison.

He's got it all - including my children's love and attention. It is not as bad with my son as it is with my daughter, but they are caught up in his wonderful life while paying little or no attention to mine. As I've posted elsewhere, my daughter is pretty well not in my life at all. I can't compete with the paid for vacations, the money for downpayments on cars, and the wild fun.

Yes, I'm intensely jealous - wouldn't you be? I'm full of deep resentment and bitterness. He stole my life while we were together, and he has stolen the most important things I have.

Anyway, jeesh. I had to rant.

Am I a bad person for wishing that all the heartache and grief of his actions catch up with him? Am I a bad person to wish that my children regain their senses and realize what a wretch he is? Gosh, I just want my children back.

[Mike_J]

I'm in a somewhat similar situation, my ex is actively tiring to cut my out of our daughter's life. It's hard not to be angry but please remember that your anger only hurts you, it doesn't bother your ex at all. No need to forgive him but let go of your anger for your sake, and focus on maintaining and building your relationship with your children as best you can.

I should point out that these (adult) children are his STEP children

[Curry]

I am trying to cope with my ex husbands impact too. No emotions or wishes are ever wrong. You just have to behave and treat other people with dignity all the time, otherwise you are joining their craziness. I was telling myself this last night when I dreamt of making a video game to blow my ex up, to destroy his boats, to push his mistress in to the freezing water, and to cut his clothes in to pieces. Then today, I sat and discussed the first draft of our divorce agreement. He saw my points and we can proceed to the next draft. It hurts so much to have loved and tried so hard, and now to say goodbye. His life doesn't matter, it's that he is no longer mine. I will have to keep repeating, "This is on him, this is on him." I honored our promise to love forever.

[Curry]

I was fortunate my ex got a mistress half his age and lied about her for six years - it destroyed his credibility with my children and any one who sees him now with his girlfriend is going to play spot the idiot. As for my kids I try to be there for them. I try to be healthy and balanced and keep communication open. I always think the more people involved in their lives the better. I had a troubled Mom and right up to now, I just wished she was part of my life - kids always need their Mom.

Apparently my daughter doesn't need me - I mean she's off with her stepdad and his girlfriend in Cancun Mexico. He gave her the down payment for her condo and her car and has taken her on other trips too. Even if she DID contact me or stay in touch I can't give her anything but love. She apparently isn't interested in that.

Oky, enough said. I've beat this silly.

Yes I will write the letter
yes I will try to be positive

[Curry]

Hi rcat

I am glad you are here and reaching out. Well done. I am sorry you hurt so much. My Mom buys my brother's loyalty. She is an alcoholic and says I caused it. I still reach out to all of them but I don't accept unhealthy behavior - when they acts nuts, I walk away. I get that it is possible to lose people. Making friends helps a little, hello friend.

I am considering unfriending my daughter on social media after all. Even though it's the only way I have of knowing what's happening in her life. It frightens me to see all the photos of her blasted out of her mind and it crushes me to see photos of her and her step dad and -worse- his girlfriend.

I've drafted a letter to her. It's been really hard as someone pointed out how easy it is to be passive agressive. I don't want to sound happy though about all that she is doing. I still want to express my hurt and wishes she would include me. For instance I want to say I'm happy you had a nice trip but I would have appreciated knowing about it before you left. That is - as someone pointed out - rather passive agressive. But I don't know how else to get that message across.

[littleowl2006]

Hi rcat,
I am so so sorry you have to go through all of this pain.
I do too believe that your daughter needs you. She could be misguided and blinded, I guess she is still young, but deep down there is the truth, just sometimes we don't want to see it. It must hurt like hell, but I am sure she will come around if you stay on the healthy path and don't let the anger and disappointment take over. Don't try to win her back, just be there, be authentic and don't let it get you down, even if it pours.
Lots of hugs

[continuosly blue]

Originally Posted by rcat

It's been near 6 yrs and 2 relationships since, but my ex husband of 16yrs still is a thorn in my side and I'm not coping well.

I've ranted about him in other posts; about his behaviour when we were together, about his hoarding and hiding of money, the affairs etc

I've had a really hard time watching his gloriously wonderful life from afar when I really don't have one at all in comparison.

He's got it all - including my children's love and attention. It is not as bad with my son as it is with my daughter, but they are caught up in his wonderful life while paying little or no attention to mine. As I've posted elsewhere, my daughter is pretty well not in my life at all. I can't compete with the paid for vacations, the money for downpayments on cars, and the wild fun.

Yes, I'm intensely jealous - wouldn't you be? I'm full of deep resentment and bitterness. He stole my life while we were together, and he has stolen the most important things I have.

Anyway, jeesh. I had to rant.

Am I a bad person for wishing that all the heartache and grief of his actions catch up with him? Am I a bad person to wish that my children regain their senses and realize what a wretch he is? Gosh, I just want my children back.

Hi rcat : I'm quoting your whole first post because I want to share my experience and similarity to yours. I was married for almost 40 yrs. I haven't been divorced long and have had no relationships or even friendships since I left her. I moved to another state. Now I know she stole money while I let her do all the finances all that time. I wish I could prove the affairs but I "know" they happened. Now I was a pretty bad boy a long time ago and paid the price for it. Then after I turned things around I wound up getting hurt and couldn't work anymore. I was on a lot of pain meds and didn't realize what was happening.

While I laid in bed pretty comatose she moved on with her life ,to make a long story short.
Now she didn't steal my children with money, ( two girls ) , but manipulated them to hate me. My daughters and I are now estranged. No you can't compete with money but your ex is buying their love. Hopefully some day they will come to their senses.
You should not be jealous but moving on with your own life. You are letting them take over YOU and their not even there. Your jealous , I would be too , but why ? " Things " are only a façade and just hide the emptiness behind. You see all this on social media , why do you look ? Why punish yourself. I'm sitting here alone and don't care what they are doing because I'm just delaying the forward movement of my whole life. I've had to accept that it is possible to have totally been wrong about a past life that has been taken away.

And your not a bad person for your thoughts. Negative thoughts pop in and out of our heads every day Bad thoughts . Evil thinking. As long as we don't act on them. I believe that everybody gets their due. I'm not going to waste my time on people , even so called " family " ,that don't really give a damn about me. Please try and get past this anger and jealousy and resentment and hurt and move forward with YOUR life.

Sorry for the length of this reply.
All the best to you

[Curry]

I like your post because you are honest rcat. Does anyone have any ideas how I can not feel like dying when I come across my ex's former mistress for six years. This sneaky b was meeting him for coffee and expressing her concern for my kids because she had such a traumatic experience when her parents divorced. I know this because I saw a note he had tucked in his wallet from her. Actually, to be honest, I would die if I saw him with any other lady too. I still love him, I thought he would be mine forever. I have had some wonderful dates myself. I know I won't actually die, so maybe I will see him with her, have a good cry, and then carry on. It is funny what emotions are deep down inside us, even when we are acting like we are carrying on with life. I just answered myself - stop being angry about things that are past.

[valeriejayne]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I am recently separated from my husband of 30 years, who I was totally faithful and devoted to. I just heard he has a girlfriend and had the same reaction you had...I want to die. I can't even imagine him being with anyone else but me. But when I really sit back and think about it. Do I want him back? No. Why? Because of his infidelity and his physical and emotional abuse. He is an alcoholic and he was very abusive. Why did I stay for over 30 years? Truth be told...I don't know...love is crazy right? "hugs" to you. I hope it gets better for you. Me? It's only just begun.

[Ocean Swimmer]

To curry. Since he is abusive and an alcoholic, you're lucky he's gone.
And too bad for the new chick. He won't change and she'll be hurt too.

To RCat I'd write the letter but not give it to her.
She'll come to you when she's ready. Maybe when she's about to marry or have her 1 St child.