5 kids and considering divorce

Short version of my crazy life, I have been married 17 1/2 years. 3 years ago my husband cheated on me with a someone he tried to get me to be friends with while on a family vacation. He informed me of the affair after they came to our house to visit and bought the empty lot down the street to build a house. He told me while they were at our house and he and I were having sex. What I should have done was punched the lady and kick them out, but I didn't want to destroy her family. I never did put myself first. Trying to maintain a friendship. Mistake #1. I didn't confide in anyone for 6 months, then I told a friend. 6 months after the affair I called an ex boyfriend. We developed a relationship, and started an affair. I continued my affair till we got caught by his wife, which was over a year. I know what I did was terrible and I truly don't think he can forgive me even though he says he can. His actions say otherwise.

My husband forgave me, and I think only because I forgave him years before. Well sine my affair my husband has treated me very poorly on many occasions. If I refuse to discuss something, (usually stuff we have already talked to death 100 times) He will hold me down and yell at me, even to go as far as punch the ground next to my face. A week after Valentines, he mentioned the name of the guy I had affair with while we were having sex, I got upset and went to sleep in my kids room. He got mad because he wanted to talk about it, I told him I would talk to him in the morning. He left the house, took all the money we had, threaten suicide and said I would never see hime again. At least once a month he is asking if I want to leave or if I want him to leave. The day that finally broke me was mothers day. He wanted to go for a walk, I though it sounded nice. He wanted to discuss our relation ship I didn't cause I didn't want to fight on Mothers day. Well we did more than fight, he grabbed my arm and got in my face because I refused to talk about it. He told me to quit playing the victim which really hurt. I'm not playing the victim I just didn't wan't to fight on Mothers Day. His exact words were "fine don't fight but when we get home you need to pack a bag and get out and don't ever expect to see the kids again" I told him I'm not leaving he needs to, I was informed I don't pay the bills and my name is not on the house, its all his and I need to get out. We continued our walk and by the end there was no talking. I'm not sure who talked first after that but I can't get over it. I have NEVER threaten to leave, or take the kids.

As for friends, any time I spend time with friends he makes me feel guilty about it. I have a hard time keeping friends because I never can do anything with them without him texting me all the time.

I am so sick of it all. He knows I'm on the verge of leaving and is constantly following me around apologizing and I feel bad for him but I have no affection left for him at this point. No butterflies. I just feel pity. He was gone last week on a work trip. Best week in over 6 months, I felt like I could breath. Can this be fixed?

Hey..I'm so sorry that you are stuggling with your marriage. I guess it's time to ask yourself some hard questions. How do you want to be treated in the future by the peon who is supposed to be your partner and friend in life? It sounds like he likes to bully and manipulate you. Do you think either of you can get past the cheating? Some people honestly can't move forward into a place of trust and honesty again. And maybe the hardest question of all...why are you staying? What is left to stay for? I'm getting ready to leave my marriage...I stayed 8 years for my kids. But know I am leaving because of them. What really changed my mind was this...what am I teaching my kids by staying? That if you are unhappy in life then you can't ever change your situation? What am I teaching them about marriage? Do I want my daughter in a bad marriage because she thinks that's normal? If my daughter was in my situation....would I tell her to stay? Why would u want less for urself then u want for your kids?
These are some of the questions I asked myself. I hope it helps you.
Good luck in your journey.

I wonder if marriage counseling would be an option to consider.

The only one of my kids that I know, knows we are having problems in my son who is 15. We don't fight in front of the kids but i'm sure they feel the tension. I feel if my daughters were in my situation I would be sad for them and would want better for them. Thanks for giving some things to think about. I would never want my daughters to be in a marriage like mine. No passion, no lust, no trust. However we have a great parenting relationship. When it comes to the kids we are great together and we have great kids. We have kids who are kind, compassionate, athletic, smart and considerate, I fear that if I divorce their dad I will get them off the amazing path they are on Its hard to get 5 active kids to all their activities as a couple let alone as a single parent. I want to keep the parenting part of our relationship but let go of the marriage part of the relationship.

Thanks for giving me something to think about. I would not want my daughters in a marriage like mine. We don't fight in front of the kids but they can feel the tension. My son who is the oldest did come out of his room one night so see his dad pinning me down on the couch yelling at me while I was screaming and crying for him to get off of me. It the whole fight or flight, he wants to fight and I just want to get the hell out of there so he hold me down so I cant leave. Im worried about what will happen to my kids. They are all so amazing, smart, caring, compassionate, considerate kids. Truly the best kids anyone could ask for. They are this way because of the both of us. Im afraid of how a divorce will affect them. I don't want to uproot their life because I'm not happy. At the same time your points are all valid as well. I would be mortified if my daughters stayed in the marriage I have.... food for thought for sure!

He asked if I would be willing and I would but no one has made any steps to set it up.

How would you feel about taking steps to set it up?

well the appointment was set for next week, however I caught him snooping my phone and found out he snooped my computer since then as well. How is there supposed to be trust when he does stuff like this.

That certainly would be something to discuss during the counseling session. I hope that the session is still on or could be rescheduled.

The counseling session is still on.

It so hard cause I care for him, but so many broken things. He said the last time he was caught snooping my phone he would never do it again and then he does it again. Its the story of our entire marriage, we say something is going to change and it lasts a week then is back to the old ways. I have very little faith that things can change.

We are great together when we are with the kids or other people or talking about everyday random crap. But when it comes to us, its always hard and stressful. I slept on the couch last night and was able to relax and sleep for the first time in a long time. Most nights I wake up with tension throughout my shoulders and spine. I didn't wakeup once last night and you can't tell me its because my mom's 20 year old couch is more comfortable then my bed.

I wonder if in marriage counseling he'll explore why he has such levels of distrust in snooping?

Sounds like a wall has grown between the two of you. Which sometimes happens over time and the mundane day to day of living and parenting. At the same time, it's not uncommon if there's been a history of ups and downs during the early years, setting themselves up to repeat patterns that push away instead of bring together. Takes an enormous amount of vulnerability and trust on their side.

Keep us posted.