[azuresky49]

Can hard talk about it, even to type it out. I am ripped to the core. I cry just to type this far. I am a 66 yo woman, married 26 yrs, togethor 28 yrs. My husband and I are raising four grandchildren, 2, 12 and 10, adopted because 1 son is paranoid schizophrenic, took him a long time to stay on his meds. He lives in an assisted living home in another county from us. Their birthmom is heavily drug addicted with who made no effort to get her kids back,but is still 12 yrs later, addicted. The other 2 children are also grandbabies, 5 and 2 yrs old, who we've had since birth also.

My idiot husband had an affair. From May 2015 to Feb or March of 2016.. that's IF I can even believe him. Trust is destroyed. I am reeling. She tried to get him to leave me...and I'm pretty sure, STILL waiting for his next move. He says its over & that he never loved her. The emotional connection is my greatest pain. I don't know how much he invested emotionally and feel he is not being honest at all. SHE, otoh, expressed a desire for more and more of him.

See, my 23 yo son found a cell phone, last August, 2015... tried to tell me something was going on after reading texts. I refused to listen, but finally after a month or so, did read them too. One of those texts has her asking him if he "knows how to use a straight razor" I confronted him, quietly.. calmly and he told me then, it was over, ended in June and all they ever did was talk. He's denied remembering the part about the "{straight razo".

He gets the phone back, destroys it.

Fast forward to just two weeks ago. I find another celle phone.. with texts.. again and this time... oh, how they complimented each other on how great the sex was, how she wanted more...ect sordid outrageous crap. I can NOT wrap my mind around any of it because WE were having a regular sex life too. But he tells me now that .. he's abandoned her because he doesn't want to lose me and the children and "wants his wife back". I NEVER LEFT.

So I am now married to a stranger. We've talked a lot but get nowhere because I strongly feel he is lying about the level of his emotional investment with that woman. NO way we will be able to have sex again after this... SHE stands between us now. I only see HER and his hands and mouth on HER. I cannot get those texts out of my head..and I cannot bear to even look at him.

I am trapped, can't divorce at my age. How can I? I have goo income, that isn't the problem. Its that I have 4 grandkids I and he, are responsible for and don't know how to start over anymore. I don't want to be alone, but have lost all trust and respect for him now.

Sorry this was longer than I intended. I just didn't know where to begin or if it's even possible to get help from somewhere. I am supposed to beging an antidepressant soon.

[Skeezyks]

Hello azuresky49: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral... from the Skeezyks! I'm sorry you find yourself in this sad & difficult situation. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here on PC. So I believe you will be able to find the support you seek. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more connected to the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join as well as chat rooms (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! I wish you well...

[TishaBuv]

Hello and welcome to PC! It's good just to vent and I hope you find support here to help you figure out what to do in your situation.

[HowDoYouFeelMeow?]

So very sorry for the pain he caused. It sounds like you are such a blessing as a grandma.

[azuresky49]

Thanks for the reply's. It did help some to vent. I began taking 25 mg Zoloft last night & see my doctor in 2 weeks. I have fallen apart and do not know the man I've been married to for so many years. But I feel I am too old to start over, so I feel now that I must find a way to forgive, but I've made it clear to him, that trust will come hard and take time. This as close as I can tell to the kind of grief I had when my Dad died. I don't mean to be overly melodramatic, but seeing my doctor about this helped a lot too.

Anyway at this point, I want to mainly read and see how others have coped with similar circumstances, especially seniors. I really never gave much thought to senior married couple dealt with infidelity, when I was younger. At 25 or 35 yo, I pretty much would be very inclined to pack up and leave. Not now. We have so much togethor, especially children and grandchildren. But I have to admit, right now, I HAVE briefly fantasized about suicide or murder. Both seemed tempting remedies, but scared me so much I figured I better get some help.

Again, thanks and I will be around some to read and occasionally post.

[healingme4me]

My dad is your age, left my stepmom and is now living with someone else 3,000 miles away.
My stepmom, I've stayed in touch with, my dad, meh, we've had a strained relationship dating back to my teens.

Of course my stepmom feels burned and betrayed, yet, starting her life over has brought about an energy about her that I'm in awe of watching. She's spending time with her girlfriends, remodeling her new home. Had even met someone, although I'm unsure how that stands now.

It's possible. Just work on yourself right now is my advice. Decisions don't occur overnight anyways.

[azuresky49]

I'm trying to find... a new way to BE. I'm lost right now... feel he is a stranger to me, feel he gave to her all that was supposed to be mine and now know why he was treating me so mean all last year and into this year. How can someone possibly say they love you and do this? I am very confused. What he says does not jive with his actions in my opinion. So I'm just beginning and feeling right now.

I just can't do this. I find it rational to consider eliminating myself, but that just makes me so worried about the children, then I can't take it too far in my head.

[fairydustgirl]

Originally Posted by azuresky49

I'm trying to find... a new way to BE. I'm lost right now... feel he is a stranger to me, feel he gave to her all that was supposed to be mine and now know why he was treating me so mean all last year and into this year. How can someone possibly say they love you and do this? I am very confused. What he says does not jive with his actions in my opinion. So I'm just beginning and feeling right now.

I just can't do this. I find it rational to consider eliminating myself, but that just makes me so worried about the children, then I can't take it too far in my head.

I want to respond to the last part of your message...please please, if you are having thoughts of ending yourself, please, go to the hospital. The first thing you need to be, is safe. Decisions about how to move forward with the future can come after that. Promise??

I really am so sorry you are going through all of this. I know it hurts and is some of the worst kind of hurt around. However, you are a STRONG woman, you have been around 66 yrs, you have been through a lot with your family and I'm sure with your husband too...we don't stay married that long without CRAP happening that we have to work through. You have value, you are loved and you are needed.

My parents have been in the kind of situation you are in, minus the children. There is a LOT of stuff that went on, but basically, my dad became someone else and when my mom eventually reconnected with an old friend, she lived with him for 10 years until his death 6 yrs ago. Afterwards she moved back in with my dad but they live in 2 different parts of the house and have made a relationship close to being brother and sister. They are now 73 and 77. My dad was a serial cheater from the time I was a kid, just wasn't aware of it until I was in my 20s. My mom tried to make my dad leave at that time but he came back saying he couldn't afford to leave so they separated but lived in the same house. A business decision if you will.

I am divorced now, it's only been a few months since it was official, so I want you to know I am not just coming up with things. You can go to counseling with your husband, if he will go, but unless he really wants to make things work, there really is no point. I say that after trying 5 times with my X. He will just say things to keep things smooth but no change happens. I had to finally make up my mind and leave for my own mental health because he was causing me a lot of anxiety which was making me sick.

I do wish you the best, rely on your therapist and friends and family if you have them and of course those of us here are here for you too.

You are going to be ok, just don't be afraid to ask for help, if you need the hospital, that's ok too...it's a safe place to be where you can get away from the situation long enough to stabilize. I've been in that situation as well, and it gave me peace to be away from my X. Because I couldn't think, feel, or be when I was in his presence.

Biggest

[Hairball]

My heart goes out to you hun! Not to add to your worries or anything but it scares me that he was sleeping with both of you. Have u been tested?

[Laurielrocks]

I found out 7 years into it. I had no idea....and he didn't even stick up for me.... She didn't know he was with me for at that point 10 years.... I was devastated... I didn't know who the hell I was sleeping with for all these years... It got worse.....he gave me something......hpv. I had no reason to think anything. Omg looking back it just makes me so pissed that I didn't see.... One of his co workers told me..... Knew me...and knew her.. She was common. I never will give full trust to someone...I was a complete wreck for a year plus. He acted like nothing.... And I can't say I'm fixed. There's a hole in my soul....Doubt is the the worst thing that I've seen people go through. When it leads you to seeing betrayal..I can't think of a more cruel thing for men to do... Is it that hard to just tell me? He didn't come clean for a while...I even called the woman... I say woman.... Much older.....cursed me out..... My first instinct was to drive the two hours and mop the floor with her ***....neither one of them were worth it. My mother said living well was the best revenge. It kills him to know who told me more than the fact he even did it. I deserved better than him. I said he was less than half the man my dad was and I'd be ashamed if my father were alive and saw what I'd settled for. It hurts it sucks yes. I hurt for what seemed like forever.. I cried all night some nights...it does get better. I promise

[Tyler4]

Wow...this is a sad story. I don't even know what advice I would give but I hope you guys work things out. You seem like a very nice person.

My parents separated in their mid 70s and lived apart. Neither sought a new partner. When my father died, my mother came to live with me. It was hard when they split but the right / only? Decision to make at the time. I am an only child so it was difficult being piggy in the middle. But time does heal. Prozac and therapy helps too.

[eskielover]

If you are financially stable enough on your own or after the divorce, you are NEVER too old to get divorced & start your life over even with grandchildren though it would be a lot more difficult caring for them all by yourself, but then it sounds like in the circumstances you are in, you have been pretty much caring for them yourself anyway if he's finding time for this other woman.

I am 63. Left my H 9 years ago. There was no infidelity in the marriage on either part but there were behaviors that had been serious problems from the beginning of the marriage that I only tolerated because I was busy getting my degree & working at my computer design engineering career & when I was around him it was fighting but I was away more than around him so it was much easier to tolerate.....something he actually said he thought I would do for the rest of our lives. After my career fell apart when aerospace crashed in California & I couldn't get hired by any other company & I was dealing with burn out at that point in time also I ended up at home & there was no place to escape. I actually lived under the same roof but separated for 13 years before I finally was financially able to leave.

Best thing I ever did in my life & I have finally been able to learn who I really am. I understand it's easier without having grandchildren but not being able to trust your H & then basically just having him as nothing more than a room mate, I know is not good living conditions for anyone.....& it's definitely NOT a good example for your grandchildren.

[Grandessa]

Originally Posted by azuresky49

Thanks for the reply's. It did help some to vent. I began taking 25 mg Zoloft last night & see my doctor in 2 weeks. I have fallen apart and do not know the man I've been married to for so many years. But I feel I am too old to start over, so I feel now that I must find a way to forgive, but I've made it clear to him, that trust will come hard and take time. This as close as I can tell to the kind of grief I had when my Dad died. I don't mean to be overly melodramatic, but seeing my doctor about this helped a lot too.

Anyway at this point, I want to mainly read and see how others have coped with similar circumstances, especially seniors. I really never gave much thought to senior married couple dealt with infidelity, when I was younger. At 25 or 35 yo, I pretty much would be very inclined to pack up and leave. Not now. We have so much togethor, especially children and grandchildren. But I have to admit, right now, I HAVE briefly fantasized about suicide or murder. Both seemed tempting remedies, but scared me so much I figured I better get some help.

Again, thanks and I will be around some to read and occasionally post.

I am 63 years old and my husband gave me divorce papers and left 3 months ago. It's not what I expected but I have to move on. Looking at a move to a new city and the chance to makes new friends and a new life. I am committed to taking what happens in life and running with it. No worries about my age; not sure younger would have been any better. Take care.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

((((HUGS&TEARS))))
I came across this article the other day...about the process of trying to repair a marriage after infidelity...I hope it offers some touchstone for you to figure out if both of you realistically may or may not be able to move forward together
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...r-betrayed-you

There are lots of articles in this section that I think you might find helpful as well..
I really hope that whatever happens,
you are not alone!

~Scarlett

[continuosly blue]

I just want to say that I feel NO ONE should ever totally invest their own SELF into another. Love is blind. It also does not mean ownership of someone else. I found that out the hard way. It's amazing how easily love can turn into something very much different. You never REALLY know the person next to you even if you've been married 50 years.
People also change over time. Sometimes two people can't live on the same page.
It's difficult to try and understand why someone who you believed loved you would betray you. The fact is people are people first. Individualistically. Always put your well being first and before even your greatest loved one because if you are let down you will be destroyed and not know what to do or how to go on. You've turned your autonomy
and self reliance over to another. Sure it hurts to be betrayed. Of course it sickens you.
But why be surprised ?
In closing , it's unfortunate that true trust and true love is more valuable than gold.
Please take care of yourself. Get help. Put everything else second , including your grandchildren if need be.

I hope you get thru this and come out stronger.

[Grandessa]

I'm 63 and was married 41 years when my husband walked out last September. I was a complete wreck the first two months. My grown daughter moved in with me to make sure I didn't do anything impulsively self-injurious. I prayed a lot, relied on my 5 brothers and sisters, and began managing the divorce process. There was a day when the pain just lifted measurably, and I began to know that I would be a happy, functional human being again.

I'm a very vigorous, young 63, and I do not consider this "starting over" at all. It's just a change, very much like the death of someone you love. I'm looking forward to the final divorce and moving to a new thriving community.

[Nevernomore]

You must be a wonderful person to take care of your grandchildren .Do you have help with them . Maybe a friend or reletive that comes in and helps with there care? Right now your going through a lot and perhaps some time each day for a break would help. Your not alone in being a senior and going through a divorce. It just makes it harder to accept after so many years. I kept wanting to ask why and I finally realized it doesnt really matter. It is over . Keep seeing your doc and keep posting .