[sujunew]

Grrrrr, I am SOOOO mad! My ex and I split up 2 years ago next month. He got engaged soon after that, and is to get married in June this year. My problem is the way he treats his girls. He and his fiancee love our 3yo but have almost no relationship with our 8yo. Alot of this comes from the fact that 8yo has a brain injury and subsequent major bahavioural issues. She is not allowed to stay overnight at their house, and several times he has stopped all contact with her. He even forgot her birthday last year. Now, they informed me this morning that the girls' dresses for the wedding are nearly ready. I was being given descriptions of the 3 dresses (fiancee has 7yo daughter) and turns out that I had not been given full details of the girls' parts in the wedding. I knew that 7yo was to be bridesmaid, and that my 2 were to be flower girls or something like that. Today I find out that 7yo and 3yo are having matching dresses and are both bridesmaids, 8yo has a different dress (a fairy dress or something, not a beautiful bridesmaids dress made esp for her...). As fiancee was telling me this my ex told her to hush, to watch what she was saying. She said that she had already told me that 8yo had 'special job' in the ceremony... Once again 8yo is being singled out, and made to be doing something different. I am SOOOO mad, on behalf of her. (Btw, brain injury only really affects her education and behaviour; ppl often don't even realise anything is amiss). I am dreading the cries of rejection and unhappiness as this wedding comes to be; it is SOOO not fair on her.
nb: ex and I have been on fairly good terms for about 6mths now. I am learning to stand back and not make waves about things; he agreed- after saying straight out no- to things being amicable. But after I got sole guardianship of 3yo in december coz he cut all contact with both girls until he calmed down; i just discovered recently he has never paid child support AND was even bragging about this to his work mate (here child support is not backpaid, they will only take it from date they receive forms, and altho I filled in forms at the start with our gvmt agency that pays all benefit-incomes, they did not send them on- or the forms got lost enroute. I would never have received any payments anyway coz I am on a benefit, that is why I thought I had not been contacted).
He gets away with everything and comes out of all of this smelling like roses. I have to deal with the utter rejection and sadness he causes 8yo (and sometimes 3yo too).

[sunrise]

sujunew, that situation sounds so hard, yet so often happens in divorces when there are kids. Can you have a heart to heart talk with Dad and tell him plainly how hurtful this will be for your 8 y.o. daughter? Just let him know you want to put the girls' interests first, and it would be so important to your older daughter to be an "equal" in the ceremony. Maybe it is not too late to change her role and/or her dress.

If that doesn't work, I would try to pitch this to your 8 y.o. as diplomatically as possible. Perhaps tell her the "little girls" have one role, whereas since she is the oldest, she has a different role and dress. (Perhaps the fairy dress is very beautiful too.) Maybe she could still be a bridesmaid and stand with the other girls during the ceremony but wear the fairy dress--a compromise?

[sujunew]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sunrise said:
Perhaps tell her the "little girls" have one role, whereas since she is the oldest, she has a different role and dress.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
thanks sunrise. This is a great idea, and one that I know for sure will appeal to her. I have had a hellish evening with her- she had been in her room since lunchtime, and completely trashed it- everything emptied out of her drawers, wardrobe and shelves onto the floor. After tantrums and refusal to clean it up she went into time out while I tidied up. After it was all done we had a talk. Turns out the only reason she did all of this was so her father could come here and see her (she thought if she was naughty enough I would cave in and ask him for help, which didn't happen!!). He wouldn't care anyway. He has stated in the past that he has his new family and that they come 1st. One night she was very violent towards her little sister. (She was put into CPS care after ex and I split coz she was so violent she could easily have killed 3yo). I asked for litlle sis to go to his place for the night (he had given his assurance to CPS in the past that should this be necessary then it would be fine). Turns out it didn't suit this time (about the 2nd time I ever asked him)...he wanted to start work early in the morning. When he was challenged about his responsibilities as a father his excuse was that if his step daughter was sick he would take the day off to care for her; but coz HIS 3yo doesn't live with him then he was not prepared to start work 1/2-1hr later. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. So yeah, no heart-to-hearts with him about any of this...