First post @ major time of crisis too...

My wife has had a lifelong battle with addiction(opiods post -op/not her fault, meth/her ex's fault?, and still with alcohol) and depression. We both moved to where we currently live 3 1/2 years ago and she has slowly deteriorated psychologically over that time. She drinks too much when she drinks, gets violent, destructive and even delusional. I have a high profile position in our community, am well respected and sought out. She has begun feeling like she lives in my shadow, like she isn't important into her own right. I try to tell her and show her she is, but it is like she cannot hear me. Last night she left here drunk, I still do not have the details, ended up in the local ER, and I found her in a psych ward 80 miles away this morning. My field is not psychiatry or psychology, but I think she has some sort of alcohol induced psychosis as she is like a Jekyll and Hyde when she drinks??? Depression is hard to live with, but raving violence is another. Trying to talk to her about not drinking only incites her. Have tried the,"Alcohol is a depressant, and you are already depressed" thing fell flat even. My wife is no dummy...she is intelligent...creative...articulate...and the love of my life. I was co-dependent to her for too long(making excuses, biting my tongue, letting all of her verbal abuse roll-off). I just tried to love her more and be more understanding. How do I help build her confidence? How do I get her to hear me? How do I best love her? Do I stay sweet and understanding and hope she gets better? Do I get tough and draw the line like "Quit drinking, get in a 12 step, get on meds, and listen to what I am saying" and refuse to back down? I am sure if I get tough or forceful she'll run-away, and I am afraid of what will happen to her then? Of course, she is telling the counselors it is my fault right now, but it isn't my fault it is the profession(small rural town professional where 3/4 of the folks in a 50 mile radius are clients and I am good at what I do and sought out). I get why it makes her feel small, but don't know how to help her. One of the counselors actually asked her why she tries to have a job and just doesn't stay home and be a homemaker! To a woman with confidence and self-esteem issues that feels like she is a shadow! They are following her around with a little clipboard writing down every word she says and staring at her both great things for someone feeling self-conscious. After 24 hours they have done nothing more than give her Ativan and keep her sedated, then try to come in and have a "session". Like she will make good sense then. What do I do? Sorry to be so windy...shoulda made 4 or 5 posts, but the frustration is boiling over...
Thanks...

I have kind of been in your shoes. I think you have to let her know though that she needs help with the drinking. Right now from what I am reading you are enabling her by being "sweet" and understanding. It is very hard to keep doing that. I did that for many years. I went to all the AA meetings with my husband and gave him my full support. After a few years of sobriety for him he returned to the drinking. It killed him 4 yrs ago. This is the path your wife is on and it is so so sad. Maybe you should try al-anon for yourself. still let her know you are there for her but she still needs the help. Good luck and stick around here...we have strong shoulders

You may also want to post this in the Substance Abuse Forum.

There are a lot of wonderfully supportive people who offer all kinds of positive suggestions and empathetic ears.

Welcome to PC. I hope you'll find some help.

Hi, Mister, and welcome.

I would take FULL advantage of the hospital and staff while your wife is there...trusting it's a good facility. If it's not, I would check into others and discuss a move to one that focuses on addiction/abuse and the surrounding issues.

I would, if I could, take this moment and this time to trot full speed ahead in brutal honesty said in love. Right now I would work my hardest on working with her and the staff to try to get her straight into a rehabilitation facility.

I can only imagine what you're going through. Please know that many of us understand, and care.

Please keep us posted.

KD

I completely agree with kimmy on this!!! please take her advise on this!

I have checked...no Al-Anon chapters in our area(very rural), but lots of AA chapters! She won't go to AA as she says it will"ruin my reputation" professionally and she will end up leaving me if she does. Sounds like alcoholic excuses, eh? Losing her is a chance I would gladly take if it saved her...

The hospital is one of the best here(I sent her there when she had a hysterectomy last year...another factor that deepened her depression), but I don't know about the psych ward. It is scarey...little basement rooms, noisy, dark...she needs her animals and sunshine and fresh air... After I finally snapped out of my denial I suggested/asked/begged her to get on meds two and a half weeks ago... She drug her feet, but actually had an appointment with our family Dr. this am...scheduled 14 hours after she imploded/exploded/whatever...being locked up will only worsen her...I know her that well...she needs meds of some sort(but not an SSRI for sure...been there,done that, bought the t-shirt...backfired), Bupropion HCL worked on her before other than the headaches. She feels like she is under a microscope with me when she is on meds. Maybe she is...hard to leave being a Doc at the door...the meds have so many side-effects to watch for...

Rehab facility? That thought takes my breath away...I feel like I should be able to tell her more often how much I care for her/love her/need her/want her or leave more little "I love you" notes or buy more Hallmark cards or hug her more and fix it. (I am so inherently an enabler!) She has said 10,000 times her dogs are all that keep her sane...I even offered tonight to have her come home...get on meds...I'd stay away for a few weeks or whatever and let her adjust...then we could find her a therapist and would even do couples sessions if she wanted...

I know depression is supposed to be biochemical(though reading the professional lit. tells me they know 1/100th of what they don't know about the brain/neurotransmitters/drugs/behavior/etc), but adding alcohol is just like fighting a forest fire with gasoline! She screamed at me over and over on the phone last night that she didn't love me(of course her blood alcohol was 0.16!), and that hasn't been the first time. But an hour after she is asleep/passed out she will be on my shoulder, arm over my chest, leg thrown across me, and the girl I fell in love with over our morning coffee... She was also yelling at me because I want to talk about "things" too much...

As a confession... I am a pain in the kester to live with...cannot eat dinner in town without someone needing to talk about this or that...crummy hours...continual compassion burn-out...thrive on 3-5 hours of sleep per night...over-achiever...Type "A" personality...worked through my neuroses stemming from child abuse/neglect on my own with reading/meditation/writing...can quit drinking when I am happily buzzed(though alcohol has lost any allure now)...will admit my failures/shortcomings/faults readily...sabotage my own life when things get good(move/break-up/change jobs/etc)... wrestled(though now controlled) with anger as the only emotion(Thanks Dad!)...

I am prattling again...

Need to get some Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... Dealing with a 6 y.o. that watched his Step-Momma unravel last night(beating a can of tuna on the counter, cursing it, and throwing the can opener would be un-ravelled, right?)...any advice there? Though he accepts she is sick and cannot come home until she thinks she is well...
Thanks again...
CIAO...

Sounds also like a hormone deficiency? Tough love isn't easy. I'm sure if you ask these questions to the staff/doctors at the hospital, they can guide you for your specific problems in dealing with her.

BTW Welcome to PC!

Hi again.

I think your child should be involved in individual therapy, then be part of a counseling program as your wife improves in her treatment.

It's ok to shudder at the thought of a treatment facility, as long as you ACT on trying to get her there...shudder while you're acting...it's ok. Deal with the shudders at night crying, writing in a journal, coming here talking/venting, talking with a therapist/friend/family member...whatever it takes.

Please know that I say this with respect and concern. You can feel everything you're feeling, but you need to act and now is the time to do it. Please don't let this opportunity slip away. It will be the hardest thing you've probably done in your life, but she needs help.

Addiction affects the entire family, not just the person. I hope you all can get into therapy as she's in treatment and begin healing.

Best,

KD

man, oh , man......i'm a substance abuse counselor and if i ever saw someone who needs to be in a re-hab center.....your wife does. let me tell you why i feel so strongly about this.

1. she is going to either hurt herself or someone.

2. you're an enabler.

3. using your profession and your "a" type personality as an excuse of being hard to live with is a cop-out on getting her some help.

4. it won't hurt for her to be madder than an old wet hen if she goes to treatment.

5. tiptoeing around a drunk makes about as much sense as tiptoeing in front of a freight train.

6. get therapy for yourself and be damned with your reputation. do you think all those people that seek you out are perfect. when pigs fly!

7. stop making excuses for her. that comes under enabling and facilitating.

8. let a Pdoc decide what meds she needs.

9. get into Al-anon. it shouldn't make you one iota's difference where you have to go to get to a meeting, if you want recovery for yourself and your wife.

10. get mad at me...i've been married to an alcoholic and i understand where you're at. back then, all that was available was lying for him and being miserable. i finally wised up and got out.
i wish you tons of luck and love. but YOU have to step up to the plate and do it asap. and when her counselors confront you about getting help for yourself, do it. if you want the marriage to work, you are going to have to work very hard on yourself also. xoxoxo pat

i hope that you're still reading here and will post again. i know that my advice was blunt. if i had not seen so much pain in your post, i would have gone on and not replied to you.

please understand that your wife really does need to go to a treatment center. she's gonna be mad at you but if she gets into treatment and does a turnaround, you'll have her back. it's hard work. very hard. i put one of my children in treatment once. she was furious with the family. but was grateful afterwards.

i understand your feelings of trying to stay under the radar, but unfortunately the disease of addiction doesn't allow us that luxury. trust me, you'll be shocked when you find out how many people that you know are in the same boat. i wish you the best of luck and please do post again if you feel the need. i'm not "cranky", just really concerned for your family. xoxox pat

IMO - the best way to help your wife right now is to see that she gets the professional help she needs.... for she must work on the wounds that lie deep within her.... the ones that she is using the alcohol to mask.

And as always..... your support, love, affection and time can do wonders for her soul / heart..... hence an improved self confidence.


LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( hugs )))

If you really love her like you say you do, you'll get her the help she needs regardless of how much she's going to hate it or what other people are going to think. If you're worried about what people are going to think about you, not her, that comes across as being really selfish on your part.

I was in a situation where I needed pharmaceutical intervention and counseling and my husband refused to let it happen because "those kinds of things don't happen in MY family. WE don't have problems." Well, yes, they do and we did, and now we're divorced for 6+ years.

You say you're telling her that's she's important in your eyes, but are you showing her? If your words and deeds aren't meshing, she's most likely going to believe what you're doing, not what you're saying.

I really don't want to be harsh here, but the part really strikes a chord where you say 3/4 of the population within a 50 mile radius are clients. Are you really so arrogant to think that all of those people are going to give a crap what's going on in your life? They have lives and problems of their own, and if you're so in demand and they have no other place conviently to go, you aren't going to lose much if any business. Our local dentist has a stash or porn in his office closet and was cheating on his wife with one of his young assistants. He's a horrible dentist and yet he managed to update his clinic recently, so obviously not enough people care what he does if it doesn't affect them.

My ex-H pulled that same line on me. "How dare you have a friendship with that freak of a hair stylist. I have sales clients in that town. Do you have any idea what it's going to do to MY reputation for them to know my wife is having an affair." One, I wasn't having an affair. We were simply friends at that point. Two, the guy wasn't the freak my ex thought he was. He was straight, had a son, and was pulling his life together. Three, his reputation and clientele didn't change one iota.

I'd better shut up before I get myself in more trouble.

Thank you all for the replies. All the advice and support is much appreciated. Please everyone re-read my posts. Perhaps I was not clear, but it is my wife that is concerned about the possible ramifications her illness will have upon my professional reputation not me. I could care less about it, and I don't think anyone would think any less of me/her anyway.

As for right now she is back home. The psych ward was a joke. She was there for about 40 hours. They sedated her with Ativan and Haldol, had her listen to audiotapes about going to your "Happy Place", and sent her home with no meds or anything Thursday pm. She has admitted she is a "problem drinker" though won't say "alcoholic"...semantics, becomes psychotic/delusional/violent/aggressive when she drinks, cannot just cut-back but rather needs to quit, and that I have been supportive and helpful. She has an appointment with our family doctor whom she trusts for recommendations and referrals the first of the week.

All is well right now. Being "locked-up" made a big imression upon her. That along with me recognizing my enabling/co-dependency has kicked her into admitting she needs help. One day at a time now...

Thanks again all...

Mr.Utopia, sorry I misunderstood the part about her getting help impacting your reputation.

Would she be willing to go on medication that either removes the alcohol cravings or makes her physically ill if she drinks? I can't remember the name of the new medication that came out last year. Check out www.CenterWatch.com and look up the newly approved drugs listings. It's the one that combats cravings, unlike Antabuse that makes you violently ill.

My ex husband was a binge drinker. He could go months without having more than his usual 4-6 beers a night, but every so often he'd think he was invincible and could handle a case at a time. I'm honestly surprised he didn't kill himself or anyone else in that condition since he'd drive while he was blacked out. He'd cry and beg forgiveness that it would never happen again, and then the cycle would start all over again. He really didn't think he had a problem and wasn't hurting anyone. Even getting a $1000 DUI fine, spending a night in jail, and having his license suspended for 9 months didn't impact him.

Maybe you can check out the substance abuse forum and get some more insight. From what I understand, no one gets better until they want to get better. I'm sorry that as far down as she's gone she still hasn't hit rock bottom. I can only imagine you're wondering how much worse it can get.

Maybe this is drastic and out of line, but could you possibly tape record, audio or video, her when she's like this so you could show her and/or a healthcare provider? If it's obvious she's a danger to self or others and you have proof, you might be able to get her admitted involuntarily.

i misunderstood some of your post also. but my advice still stands about her hurting herself or someone and yes, you're an enabler..but you know it. so get both of you some help. love, pat