Divorce, Did I Make A Wrong Choice?

Hello Everyone - I'm new to this but I needed outside views on my situation. I made the decision to divorce my H.

Together for 7 yrs married 4... My H is a contract pipefitter/boilermaker repairing and building refineries (shutdowns). This type of work requires extensive travel months sometimes years at a time. My H went back to work in 01/08 after being unemployed since 04/07 which caused strain on our financial situation and marriage.

In 04/08, he totaled my 2005 Jeep, stop sending me support to pay the bills, consistently overdrew my bank accounts, and refused to give me an address where he was living.

I always had a feeling he was living with a female but he kept telling me he was renting a room from a friend I didn't know. He reasoning was that the job had cut his hours and he was unable to afford a hotel room in addition to sending money home. (Job paid $490 per wk for rent) Even after the change in living arrangements, support was never sent home. I finally hit a wall, frustrated with my overdrawn checking and saving accounts, overlimit credit cards, and borrowing money from everyone under the sun, I told him I wanted a divorce. I couldn't live this way anymore and I was tired of the multitude of lies. He swears I'm having an affair.

It turns out the friend he is living with was an ex-girlfriend and their 2 children. I feel disrespected on whole different level.

Our relationship has had its difficulties I'm now done and I feel I deserve better. I'm 35 yrs old he's 48, and I married him in prayer that once he had a job things will be better. I have been the stable provider in our relationship since we've been together and I 'm tired of paying for his past problem solving techniques. He has 10 children, I only knew about 3 when we married, no driver's license, no permante job with and no credit. Everything we own I bought. I couldn't afford to buy a house if I wanted because of his issues. It will take me years to recover financially from this marriage.

Not to mention he is very jealous, insecure and possessive, feels sex solves all of our problems. If I don't put out, he assumes I'm giving it to someone else. I'm too tired mentally to even think about having sex with myself yet alone anyone else.

Sorry for such a long post but I need HELP!

Hi TaffyT,

First of all, welcome to PC. I truly hope you find the support you need through all this.

It certainly sounds like you have come up with a fair amount of reasons to divorce your H. They sound like valid reasons. While in any relationship, it takes 2 to tango, it almost sounds like you are dancing alone here.

I could make all kinds of assumptions but I will try hard not to. I believe that if in your heart of hearts, you are at the very end of your rope, you know what needs to be done for you. There is no reason for you to feel guilty for your H's behaviors....thats' all on him. I hear in your post that your gut is telling you it's time to pick up the pieces and move on, but it's hard for the heart to follow. When we marry we always have this vision of how our marriage should be...and when it doesn't stack up, then it's hard to let go of.

Make a pro's and con's list for yourself. What do you get out of this marriage that is positive and supportive? Do you feel your needs are being met? It sounds like his are doesn't it?

You have a right to your happiness....go with your gut feeling. Wishing you well in your decisions.


sabby

Hello Taffy,

I think under the circumstances you did the right thing... He was lying and cheating on so many different levels that it would have been impossible to stay and try to work something out...and 10 kids...please! He has 10 kids because he thinks sex solves everything! Move on, focus on getting your life together... Financially, you've been doing it all anyway... I can relate because I was in a similiar situation ten years ago in regards to husband not working and me handling everything... I divorced him after giving him plenty of chances to change...I was simply tired...

If you need someone to talk to, just message me...

TJ

Sabby,
Thanks for the words of encouragement, I truly needed it. Its been long-time coming... It seems like it took forever for my heart to allow me to do what my head knew was right. I just hate it took thousands of dollars before I realized it.

My lesson learned but now I have to figure out how to get through the hurt and the memories that plague me everyday. It's strange how smells trigger memory of my good thoughts.

Now am I wrong to continue taking his calls? He is currently working in Utah and I made an agreement with him that for a fee I would store his belongings in my garage until Oct. Should I stop communication or should I continue until our agreement has been fulfilled?

Skeeweeaka,

Thanks for the support and encouragement, I know that I'm not the only one but in a sense I'm a little embarrassed that I allowed my heart to make the wrong choices.

I didn't want my H to think that there was someone else in my life so I stayed in the this relationship far too long. I should have called it quits in 2002. I've never felt better and it will be lots better when the divorce is final!

(((((((((( Taffy ))))))))))))

It can take a long time for the heart to follow the head. It was that way in my first marriage as well, so I do understand that.

The way I have made it through, without being bitter is this, I try really hard not to dwell on the years that were "lost". In reality, I don't really believe they are lost, they are years that we learned what hasn't worked and years that we needed to get to the point of fixing what's broken, our lives. If I were to sit and figure out the money I lost because of the ex, it would make me so danged angry. In the grand scheme of things.....it's only money. The fact that I got out of the relationship alive and intact enough to be able to learn and grow and become independent...then that is what was most important to me. The money was secondary. I can't recoup it...so why be angry about it? It would do me no good at all to allow the anger to rule me. It doesn't mean that I didn't file it away for future reference if needed

What you are going through is a process....one of grieving. Time and taking care of yourself through this will help you get past it.

As far as taking his calls and storing his items for a fee goes....I would think long and hard about it. You said that he has withheld money from you...do you really think he will pay for the storage? I would also think about why you would want to continue to take his calls and keep his stuff for him? Is it purely out of being a nice person or is there another reason....such as keeping in contact with him?

What does your gut tell you to do? I would follow your instincts as they are almost always right

Take care Taffy....


sabby