[allabout]

I've only written a few times and I've been hesitant to write in the D&S section, because I was living in denial for so long that this was the best sub-forum for me. I've read a lot of other posts and so many people have gone through things similar to me, but I wonder if anyone has had ALL of them. The Narcissism, possible sociopath, pathological lying, knowing the exact right thing to say to me to make me want to work things out "all I need is you, the other women don't mean anything", the online addiction... eventually admitting that these other people weren't just online, but were in-person dates and partners, getting blood tested, continuing to meet and sleep with new people - all the while going to therapy on his own, couples therapy, and working with me to make things better and back to how they were. It has taken me so long to realize the person I knew and loved for so long is just gone. There is major depression. There is a complete lack of responsibility - financial or otherwise; total inability to keep a job more than a few years because there is no boss in the world that could possibly know more than him. There was the lying, pretending to try to fix things, and still lying - meeting new people and telling them we were divorced and he was a single dad. Telling each woman something different about his job, when in truth, he has no job. He's living the free life on disability so no motivation to get a new job.
He's been out of the house since one day after getting caught again in all the lies, he just didn't come home. A little difficult for our preschooler to understand. Then checked himself in to the psych unit in a hospital and gave someone (who knows who?) our car/house keys. After the week there he's been living with his mom. He said he wanted to fix things but has since decided that actually, his needs just aren't fully met by being married, and he's just not cut out for it. So he's nasty to me, nasty to his mom, still expects to be taken care of and waited on, lays out in the sun all day, goes out late every night and doesn't even stay at his mother's house half the time. He has totally abandoned our child and says he misses him, but doesn't ever call.

I find myself wishing he has a brain tumor or something that could explain how a person could so drastically change. For so many years before and during marriage we were inseparable. We had the relationship that friends said they wished they could find. How does someone go from that to where he is now? It's getting easier and easier for me to forget about the good times and realize it's over. But what for my son? Right now I truly think his life is better with out his father anywhere near him. But in the long run will he resent me for keeping him away? Will he grow up to be bitter because his father wasn't in his life? I'm not saying anything negative about his dad to him now, but I can't imagine co-parenting. I can't imagine letting him spend a weekend with this man who is a completely different person every time I see him.
If it were a brain tumor, maybe they could remove it and he'd be back?! It wouldn't matter for me. I'm done. But maybe I could think about trusting him near my son.
I don't really have any specific questions or advice to ask for at this point. I'm still so much in shock about it all. But I'd be interested to hear others' thoughts or similar experiences and what has worked (or not) for them. Thank you.

[CedarS]

I've been in a similar situation.

I had to grieve the relationship, face facts, and focus on having a good life with my son. My son turned out just fine. My son does not resent me for taking good care of him.

You could probably get sole custody. You can be in counseling now and also work out a safe plan for when and if he sees your son.

When your son is older he can then try to have a relationship with his father or not. His father may never be capable of one.

The safety of you and your son comes first.

I completely understand the wish that the guy would just have something major and understood like a brain tumor.

[allabout]

Thank you, CedarS for your understanding of the situation. It's so hard not to focus on what will happen years from now. Part of me believes that of course my son will be fine and respect my decision to get us away from such a horrible situation, and part of me fears that he will have anger issues of his own maybe at me, maybe at his poor excuse for a father, and maybe both. I know all I can do is raise him with the values that are important to me and hope that he will be healthy and happy.

And it's so true about grieving. I am grieving the loss of a relationship that I had for so long, of the family that I thought I'd have for years and years to come. Right now I'm feeling so much anger. I just feel like the rug was snatched out from under me for no good reason, and there's nothing I can do about it.

[sunrise]

Grieving can take a long time. Let yourself have space and time for it and don't try to push it away. My therapist told me it typically takes about 3 years to grieve the loss of the marriage and spouse, even when you want to split up.

If your son's father is not fit to share custody with you, then perhaps he can have supervised visits and see your son occasionally with a responsible "chaperone" present. You can get this written into your parenting plan and approved by the court. A friend of mine has a mentally ill ex-husband who is only allowed to see their kids with supervision.

My heart goes out to you. I think it is so hard yet it is the best thing for you to "face the facts" that your husband is no longer the person you married. You will grieve for a long time, but in the mean time you have a lot of reality to face--raising a child on your own.

It is good to no longer have the "pipe dream" that your husband will revert to how he was. He has disappointed over & over again. It is not your fault; it may not be his "fault" (perhaps due to an untreated mental illness, but it is his choice). You deserve to find some peace in life & owe it to your son to provide some stability & not to model such a dysfunctional marriage. I grew up witnessing these kinds of behaviors with my parents--the affairs, the blaming, the accusations (my mother was bipolar & my father alcoholic).

I have bipolar disorder myself & have had to go through a lot of therapy to figure out how to have a relationship that does not repeat all that I witnessed & I am 54 years old & still fighting the the seeming "inborn" tendencies to destroy any heathly relationship I have.

Have strength. You are on the right path. I'm with you every step of the way.--Suzy

[allabout]

Thank you all for your kind words of support. Ugh, 3 years of grieving... it's good to have a realistic understanding of what I'm in for, but it just sounds so horrible. I've noticed that when I tell friends what has gone on (now that I'm done "protecting him" by not telling people the whole truth) it feels so surreal that I can tell it without getting upset. But it's when people tell me they're so sorry for how much I'm going through it really hits home that this really truly is happening to me. And to my son...

I'm sure that the "reality" of it has hit since you have tried so hard to repair the relationship & thus think he will "change." You have a lot to mourn--your marriage, your future, your loss of your love of your life...

You need some comforting, some reassurance that you are taking the right way through some really rough waters.

So we are here for you.

For some reason I just feel so deeply for you.--Suzy

[allabout]

Thank you, Suzy. I go back and forth so many times during just one week - feeling angry, feeling sad, feeling strong, feeling destroyed. What kills me is that he seems like he's having the time of his life. Meeting/lying to new women, getting his bills paid, his food and meds paid for, laying out all day, going out all night. I know somewhere within he is suffering, but it sure doesn't look like it. Maybe if he looked or seemed sad it might be easier to take. Thank you for your support.