[catgirl]

what the f... is up with my body? i finally reached a halfway mark. since college ended for the sem, my body refused to budge from 110. when i broke the mark, it then refused to reach 105. yesterday, i made that 105pt. i was elated and didn't eat anything all day. then this morning the d...scales said 106. how can that be? no salt, no food, just a lot of sugar free jello, diet coke, and a couple sm. cups of coffee. it's soooooooooo frustrating. this is war! my body will not win. i'm tempted to limit fluids liike i used to just till i conquer this crazy alien that's winning. a little voice inside is scared though. i'm so depressed that i'm living inside this body that refuses to yield to my attempts. the women and girls are so thin on the beach. it terrifies me. they're so pretty, some beautiful, some absolutely, irresistibly gorgeous. life is so unfair. all i want is to lose a few pounds. why is reaching 100 such a brick wall to break through?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
a little voice inside is scared though. i'm so depressed that i'm living inside this body that refuses to yield to my attempts. the women and girls are so thin on the beach. it terrifies me. they're so pretty, some beautiful, some absolutely, irresistibly gorgeous. life is so unfair. all i want is to lose a few pounds. why is reaching 100 such a brick wall to break through?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> catgirl, What will weighing 100 lbs do for you? Really? Can you seriously tell me that you believe the loss of a few more pounds will change things such that life becomes fair?

I hope you are talking with someone about this distorted image of yourself you've written about here to us. Thin DOES NOT EQUAL GORGEOUS!! The masterpieces of the art world are not of twiggy women. We do not have sculptures of bony skin bags of women..........we have sculptures of curvaceous, rounded, REAL woman carrying the weight of life, of childbirth, of a career, of being a daughter, of being a sister, of being a WOMAN in this world.

As someone who has faced distorted eating and body image issues your words are very familiar. Reading about your little voice inside that is scared is heartbreaking.

Please listen to the scared little voice that doesn't want to go through restrictions and limitations and all the other things that go along with disordered eating/distorted body image.

Please nourish that little voice so that you can become the strong woman you are who will be able to do more in life than fight the crazy alien inside.

((catgirl)) please take care and let us know what you're up to.

[CedarS]

(((((catgirl)))))

This thread has been valuable for me to read and think on, thank you.

[wanttoheal]

(((((((((((((Catgirl))))))))))) I am so sorry you are struggling. zh made some good points, especially the one about when you get to 100 pounds. Will it make you happy for real? I so totally understand what you are saying and I struggle so much with the same kind of things. My t asked me once, at what weight would you be happy? And I finally realized that at no weight would I be happy. I just keep thinking thinner is better, but it's not about the weight. Eating disorders are always about something else. I hope you get some help working out things. I wish you only the best. Please take care.

[catgirl]

i know what you're saying. unfortunately, my mind is bad right now. no meds. i will call monday to make an appt. with psychiatrist. my psychologist deals with issues not med. the summer is my worst time for ed. yesterday i "blew it" we had company and ate pizza. i didn't know how to not be rude/weird and not eat. i don't throw up so the food stayed. this morning i was back down to 105lbs. my body is just wacked and does it's own thing. it doesn't make any sense. but at least you know i got food into me yesterday along with caramel popcorn and chocolate. today, i doubt there will be food but do you think i should keep a log of my food intake during this hard season of the year? thanks for caring. so many people just don't understand.

[catgirl]

oh, i just didn't want to leave anyone out. my last post was to all--grand pooh., wanttoheal, and sarahl. thank you ALL! what are your stories? your present state with ed?

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today, i doubt there will be food but do you think i should keep a log of my food intake during this hard season of the year? thanks for caring. so many people just don't understand.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> YES!! Please keep a food diary/food log of EVERYTHING you are eating. While your mind is ill it will probably tell you all sorts of horrible things about the keeping track of your eating habits. Please know that almost everyone who has to start out keeping a food diary/intake log resists doing so and feels like it will just make things worse.

It doesn't. By being able to see what you are offering your body to live on the professionals will be better able to assist you by knowing just what they are working with.

The body is an amazing thing in that the more you restrict and the fewer calories you eat the harder it will fight to keep that weight on. Your metabolism is one of survival.

I don't think your mind is bad catgirl, I think your mind is ill. Just like a person who deals with depression isn't bad, they just have a brain chemistry that isn't "in balance" for what works for that person.

You are very brave to post here and to be honest about this. It took me many years to be able to even speak about my ED behaviours with others. For me I spent many years in therapy and with the help of wonderful friends was able to change the disordered eating habits I had developed. Unfortunately my behaviours went on so long that I do have permanent damage to my body from that time.

I still struggle with body image. I used to be much heavier. Many factor contributed to a sudden unexpected weight loss over the past two years and now being on the flip side of heavier to lighter I can honestly say I FELT BETTER and LOOKED HEALTHIER with more weight on my frame.

My body functions poorly when I restrict and my thinking spirals out of control when I fail to nourish my mind. Plus I am tired of being freezing cold all the dang time!

I am glad to hear you are making an appt with your psychiatrist next week. I hope that your psychiatrist and psychologist are willing to be in touch so that your entire treatment team is on the same page.

The goal being a healther catgirl who can enjoy a slice of pizza w/o stressing about the numbers on the scale the next day. And w/o thinking you've blown anything!

[catgirl]

do people with ed, esp. anorexia or bulimia, ever get free? if any of you have had either, i think you'll understand what i'm asking. it just seems like my ed is a separate entity that haunts me constantly. it's been probably twenty plus years (since i was ten) since it entered my life. initially, it began with the awakening to the existence of fat--my first diet being with my mom at ten years old. i hate my body and always see it as fat, no matter how low i get. that's the scary part. will i ever be free from this masochistic state of mind? i've tried various antidepressants and basically given up. nothing seems to work. should i even call my psychiatrist, once again, to try one more time? i've been on paxil, prozac, levlox, lexapro, etc. is there one out there that will work without obnoxiously annoying side effects?

my boys are the reason i fight it. i want to live and continue to fight to survive. i'm doing ok right now. i'm just wondering what's worked for everyone else? is this a lifetime curse?

[(JD)]

I think it takes a lot of retraining of the brain and the way / what we think. That's the focus of cognitive therapy, changing what we think (even though we aren't believing it totally when we tell ourselves) and eventually the brain changes our mind lol It's good that you tell yourself the body will not win, now to find the right thoughts for you to be healthy both emotionally and physically.

Keep trying with the meds if you like. There just might be one out there that works, or soon will be?

Please don't hate your body. Maybe you don't particularly love it right now, but try thinking that it's ok for today. It is, you know? So are you. You're ok today. And can be more ok in the future. TC

[catgirl]

thanks sky. i'm sure my mind would do better on med and cog. therapy. right now my T's focusing on repressed memories--to treat ptsd. we don't work on body image yet. i finally called this morning and left ANOTHER message to make an appoint. with my psychiatrist. i'm really frustrated by that place. they're so busy, it seems like i only get to talk with an answering machine. do you or have you had an ed? if so, are you better?

[eskielover]

catgirl,

I want to give you a few thoughts for contemplation which is something I have just lived through the end of last year &amp; even now.

I had gained much weight &amp; then started losing it slowly with exercise &amp; just being able to get out of bed once my migraines got under control. I had been down to 85 lbs about 5 years before &amp; was struggling to even get up to 90. I had my weight down to 110 last summer when I had an asthma attack &amp; landed in the hospital for 10 days. When I got out....I ended up having a heat stroke &amp; nausea &amp; dehydration was so bad....I had problems eating &amp; the weight just dropped off....down to 104 in less than a month...my GP was somewhat worried so took some blood tests to check my nutritional level...I knew it would be ok because it usually was at that weight....I told him about my anorexia I had experienced several years ago.....&amp; my pdoc knew about it too. I actually leveled out at that weight &amp; was really happy there....I could wear my old cloths that looked really cool on &amp; had enough energy to really get into my horse riding dressage training...without passing out everytime I turned around. All was going well &amp; was stable at this weight even though everyone wanted to keep check on it. Then the trauma hit....I ended up with nausea....the stress I went through with the trauma &amp; my Mothers death just kicked me into exhaustion &amp; just couldn't get any food or liquid down my throat without the nausea making me so sick I couldn't stand it. I went from 104 to 98 in just a couple of days. I ended up in the medical hospital for 2 months.. with a few days out to arrange hospice care for my Mother &amp; then my Mothers funeral. They started a PICC line with nutrition the week before her funeral...&amp; I was hoping it would help...only problem..I was allergic to the anesthetic used to put in the PICC line &amp; they had to pull it....the PDOC of the hospital decided I should be placed on a 72 hr hold if I didn't agree to the central line a couple of days before the funeral...I made an AMA escape with an agreement with my GP to come back after &amp; have the central line put in then. By that time...I was down to 95....&amp; by the end..even with the nutrition...I was down to 93. I am now up to about 96/97. I looked &amp; still look like a walking skeleton. I must admit...I look like my Mother just before she died of the cancer. I am getting stable at this weight....but I realize that at this weight just like before....If anything happens physically or mentally to me....I will really be in trouble with my weight....when you have nothing spare to loose you can really end up in trouble with your weight &amp; you have no reserve to go on when anything happens. It isn't smart to be at this weight &amp; I know it.

You may be struggling to get lower...been there done that....but if something happens....you won't be struggling anymore...but you will probably blow right past any weight you might have aimed for.

Please think before you act,
Debbie