My thoughts are my worst enemy, Please help me

I am not even sure if this is the correct forum in which I should post but here it goes.

I had a T appointment this morning. All went well for the most part. We discussed my move to Texas, the fears, the positives and my overall feelings as of late.

I have been having some heavy worry hanging over my head. Stupid OCD thoughts and stuff, but nothing that I havent been up against before and couldnt handle with medication and therapy.

5 minutes before our therapy session was to end I had a full blown panic attack. In addition to the physical symptoms my T kept asking my to go to my safe place and I couldnt. I coulnt go to my safe place because I didnt have a safe place. I got even more afraid and I got extremely paranoid. Paranoid to the point of near hysteria. I was crying uncontrollably. In my mind, at that instant, I was afraid. Afraid of not having a safe zone. Afraid of losing control for good. For the first time since December, I felt like I needed to go to the Psych Hospital. WHY? I dont know why. Because I was paranoid. Paranoid of losing touch with everyone, not connecting with me, my family, my T and life as a whole. I am afraid of feeling like I have to go the the hospital because I am afraid that no one with ever be able to help me. I am afraid of being paranoid.

I suppose this post could have gone in the anxiety forum but I rarely come across people with Panic Disorder who experience the fear of paranoia like I do. I just need to know that I am going to be OK. I cant trust anyone to give me that answer, even my T. I feel out of touch in ways. I want to connect, I want to feel in control of my thoughts and feelings but sometimes I dont and I am afraid.

What does this mean? Why am I afraid of being paranoid? I know the fear of what might happen scares me. It hasnt happened but I still feel like it could. I get afraid when I feel like I cant trust anyone. I feel alone. I feel lonley and that makes me so sad and empty inside. It makes me afraid to feel that way. I dont want to do this anymore. I want to be "normal" what ever that it. I want to feel connected. I want to not be afraid. I think my medication has made me worse in alot if ways. I do not remembering being paranoid prior to taking the medication and I have been on this medication for several months. It has helped in so many ways but this fear of feeling paranoid has got me very afraid.

I hope I am making sense. Sometimes I feel like I do not make sense to myself. My mind feels full. And that scares me.

Well, I am gonna go for now because I just do not know what else to say. I am drained, my body feels tired, my eyes feel tired.

(((((((((((((Jen)))))))))))

((((((((((((((((((((((Jen))))))))))))))))))))))

Safe bearhugs,
Fuzzy

Medication CAN increase feelings of paranoia. . . and anxiety too (even meds FOR anxiety can do this!) Talk to your T or pdoc or MD or whomever about this, you don't need to be trying to deal with these intense feelings! (((hugs))) you're safe at PC

(((((((((((((((((((((Sky)))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you. I pm'd you with some info

((((((((((((((Shirley)))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((Fuzzy))))))))))))))))


Your support means the world to me right now. Thank you so much.

Generalize panic can feel overwhelming partially because you can find "no reason" for it. Maybe your feelings of paranoia are not "coupled" with the anxiety in the way you are thinking? PTSD can carry some feelings of persecution, paranoia. Did your T use the term PARANOIA? Also, please don't worry more about this. as being Paranoid and having feelings of paranoia are two different dx's, ok? I think this thread really does belong in anxiety, ok?

(((jmo))) you need to find or create a safe spot/place for you to go and feel calm. Have you done any type of meditation at all? I would also work with the T on making a really good one for you...

I can sit back and visualize a calm zone a place where I feel peace. But, for the life of me, I can not find a safe place. Good advice Sky. Thank you. I thought this may belong in Anxiety also, but with my paranoia, I wasnt exactly sure.

Prayers to you (((((jmo)))) I have been in your place before, believe me, as many others here have. And my panic disorder sounds exactly as what you are going through now. Please keep that in mind, that others have survived, and you will too. We are on your side!
peace,

Dan

Gosh! can so relate to you (((((((((((jmo)))))))))))))
Hang in there!
lrks

I am sorry Songbird and Lrks that you can relate because it is so scary and lonley and I am sorry that others have to feel that pain and sorrow. I thank you for taking the time to respond to my post and to tell me that you understand what I am going through because it means so much to me. More then you know. Take care both of you. Thank you again.

Jen

JMO I am gonna PM you but sounds to ne ,ore like a major anxiety attack and OCD makes one worry on things like paranoid and so on..I don't wanna trigger anyone SO I will PM YOU on my experinece on this

Thank you Sleeps. Thank you so much. I am very afraid. I dont even know what to say anymore. I just want it to go away.

((((((((((((((jen)))))))))))))) i know this feels like paranoia. oh goodness do i...

i can so relate. there were times that anxiety was so high for so long that this kind of thing set in for us. under high anxiety for a long time we panic and have the unrealistic fear of being jailed! that hasn't happened for a long time, but i did happen much more than one. also, one time i had a full fledged panic attack at the hospital e.r. i was hooked up to i.v. one thing led to another and i pulled the i.v. out of my own arm and walked out of the e.r. i'd gone for a migraine. the nurse was putting meds in my arm and said, if you feel this and that call me immediately. straight after, they came and put me in a cat scan machine. everything just snowballed. i pulled out the i.v. in my "paranoid" state adn walked out seemingly calmly. my hand blew up from pulling out the i.v. so, then i panicked from that! it was horrible. afterwards, i thought they were going to send the police because i'd left the hospital. it was horrible. i called the e.r. they wanted to know what happened. said that they understood my reason for panic and assured me that it would be ok, and to come back if my magraine returned.

panic can do horrible things to the mind and body. i so understand. these events for me were few and far between thank goodness and haven't happened for years. however, when anxiety is so high for so long, panic can get so bad i think

((((((((((((((((jen)))))))))))))))))) i understand.

kd

Thank you ((((((((((((Kimmy))))))))))))))

I know that anxiety can do terrible things to the mind and body. I have been dealing with this off and on since I was 19 but it wasnt until late last year that they increased in intensity and frequency. Yesterday was horrible. Couldnt relax enough to eat anything. I took and Ativan before bed and actually slept pretty well so that is a good thing. I know I have so much going on right now but yesterday was very hard and feel that I will be reeling from it for a while.

Thank you for sharing your story. I can totally understand why you panicked. I would have reacted the same way.

Love, peace and hugs to you,


Jen

Jen,

I had a feeling that this was building up for you, but hoped that the storm might pass.

This is panic disorder with generalised anxiety, just the same as I have. I know what this is like.

The thing now is to deal with the immediate symptom. The symptom is 'feeling horrible' and being terrified that it will get worse. That's what we have to deal with.

It doesn't always help to think about safe places. I know you are afraid that your safe place will let you down and the panic will chase you in there as well. I know all the fears that you have.

Jen, this is a job of work. You have to go back to your strategies and work them until the wave passes. Clutching at things doesn't help for me, I know I have to face down the panic on my own, slowly and surely, one breath at a time.

There is one strategy that you can use in a hard time. It works. If you can get someone to breath with you, slow and sure. No talking, just sit quietly and breath together. Let the breathing settle in like you are walking in step with another person. Maybe you could hold hands. I had a person who did this with me, and I'll never forget how well it worked.
Talking is not always the way to deal with the physical symptom of panic, just allowing yourself to feel that your body is not 'all' panic, can help you to come down again.

Believe me, the pit is not bottomless, it's just hard when we are having to deal with it. It won't defeat you.

Slow and sure.

Calm thoughts, M

((((((((((((((((Myzen))))))))))))))))))

My dear friend I am so glad that you responded to this. I know that you can understand what I am going through. My husband and I talked alot about safe places, safe ppl and such and I think he did understand about that a bit. I will take your advice about not talking and just breathing it out. I will talk to hubby about this. I know that he will help me and I think the "no talking" is a great idea. Yesterday having my T asking me stuff like that made it worse and when I just sat there and breathed for a few minutes it did subside. My fears were still there because I am always worried about the next one. My body was complety exhausted too. My body was numb and tingly and my face was so hot. Geeesh.

Thank you so much for your suggestions. I have gone back through some of my work sheets on coping mechanisms and I will also be doing some research on some other things I can do to ease this for me.

I appreciate your post and helping me through this. Much love and peace to you Myzen,

Jen

I too can relate to what you are experiencing. Sad with me tho, for two years, I was going through these attacks, and the counselor I was seeing, never identified it as panic. It wasn't until I saw another T, that PTSD and panic, etc was named.

Aroma therapy is one thing that helped me a lot. Certain aromas are soothing and calming to me.. The aroma of lemons work for me.. I’d put a few drops of lemon juice on a piece of cloth, and carry it with me, and when I’d start feeling uneasy I’d just pull out the cloth and sniff…(I even sometimes carried a lemon in my purse, for security).. lol...I’ve been know to grab the lemon pledge and wax everything in sight.. My house would smell of lemons..

Another thing is diaphragm breathing exercises. Or I think it is called belly breathing. You do these exercises everyday. It takes practice, and is very helpful.. I will see if I can find the exercises online that I used. It has been a while since I’ve used them..

((((((jmo)))))

(((hugs))))) I hope you are all feeling some better.

Thank you(((((((((((((Radio)))))))))))))))) for your suggestions. Breathing excersizes are cool. I do practice those myself. I am thinking about teaching hubby so that he can breathe through it with me. That is a suggestion I received from Myzen. I like your method of smells for security. That is interesting to me. Sometimes I can smell something and it takes me immediatly back to a certain memory or place.

(((((((((((((((((SKY))))))))))))))))))

Feeling a tad better then yesterday. Still afraid of having another one. My T goes on vacation starting tomorrow and wont be back until the week after next. She gave me her supervisors name so I am supposed to call her next week to check in. I dont know her so I am a little uncomfortable with it but I do see my PDoc next week so thats cool.

My poor mother is so sick. My sister talked to her today and my sister told me that her throat opening is only the size of a straw. I keep calling there but they say she is asleep and it is worrying me more.

I took an ativan last night and slept pretty well. That is a good thing. Thanks for your replies and support. I need them.

Hi again Jen,

Hope things are going well for you since your first post. I wanted to let you know too, that my major panic's have been gone for sometime now, but I still remember what they were like. You never forget the horror.
One thing I can remember is they are like a roller coster ride that never stops. You feel as though you are sitting at the edge of a cliff, waiting for somebody to push you off, but they never do. You feel as though if this is what hell is like, you 'never want to go there.
That is what I meant when I said that I survived, as well as others, and you will too! Continue looking at one step at a time, and try not to look ahead too far.
Again, as I had said, we are all on your side! !

with respect, concern, and prayers,

SongBird, Dan

(((((((((((((Jen)))))))))))))

I know the feeling of not being able to find a safe place. Sometimes, it annoys me when my T pushes the same old strategies and doesn't seem to understand just how scary it is. Sometimes, all I want to do is sit in a corner and hug my pillow and let myself just be. I have to do that before I can help myself in other, more practical ways.

Anyway, I wanted to say that my T is also gone this week and yesterday I had a reaction similar to the one you described. I felt SUCH a horrible sense of doom and felt that I had no way of connecting with anyone... it reminded me of the end of 2001 Space Odyssey, have you seen it?

But then my husband came home and we spent time together and I felt better. I also told myself that I was just reacting to my T's vacation. In a way, it's a child's reaction, this black and white, "she's gone for a week and so I'm all alone and completely unreachable" feeling.

I'm rambling... but I just wanted to tell you to hang in there, and I'll try to do the same. Thinking of you--Lauren.

Thank you for your posts.

(((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))

Your posts mean alot to me. Your support means alot to me.

Jen

(((((((((((((((((( Jen ))))))))))))))))))))

I hope you're feeling a little better by now?

hi jmo,

first off, i'm real sorry of what you are going through. All the fears and such. I can definatly relate to that. it's horrible. I use to have panic attacks about 10 times a day before getting on the right meds.

You said you weren't sure if this was the right place to post, and i was having a bit of trouble understanding what you meant by paranoia. So i guess I'm just curious to know more about what you mean by your fears/paranoias. Generally, when someone with schizophrenia has paranoia, it mostly has to do with fears/mistrust of other people and there motives . For example, i have paranoid schizophrenia, and when im paranoid, i believe such things like, the government spying on me, scanning my brian, people reading my mind, being followed by the spies and cops and killers, people decieving me, that people are wearing disquizes, etc.
I know you stated that you have trouble trusting others, and that can deffinatly be concidered paranoia , because the deffinition of paranoia is: extream, irrational mistrust of others.
....Sorry if i'm sounding really technical, im just trying to do the best to help you .

also, if you feel like your meds are making things worse, your really should tell your doctor about that. How long have you been taking them and what meds are they? you might need an adjustment in the dose, or just a new medication all together.

i hope i didn't confuse you or anything. i really hope that you get better soon. Good luck

-Becka

p.s
i love the snoopy signing your name. My sister would especially love that! she is obsessed over snoopy and collects anything having to do with him.