I hate my body

I don't like to throw around numbers because that is how I slipped into my disorder for the second time, but I get caught up in them so easily. I cound calories (not as much as I used to) and weigh myself in the mornings. I know that my weight is "healthy," but I just feel FAT all of the time. I am a soccer player and my legs are supposed to me muscular and I am supposed to be a few pounds heavier than the "normal" person because of the muscle. I can say that easily, but I just can't believe it. I am 125 and 5'3. I am eating healthy so I figure the weight that I am gaining is just muscle, but I just feel enormous! I wish my body image wouldn't be so bad. I just hate having to struggle all of the time. It makes my life so frustrating!!!!

You might check out a book called The Body Image Workbook, which I think is by Cash. It's been pretty helpful for me, although there's too much going on in my life right now for me to be able to say it's fixed me...

It's made up of exercises to help you learn to accept your body, and recognize how much of your body image issues are tied up in other things altogether. It is helpful, though, for me.

Another thing to check out is eating disorder groups, like those run by ANAD. They can be very helpful, just to know that other people feel similar things.

And is that a saddlebred?

All of us horsey people going through similar issues with weight even though they have a slightly different focus.

My weight losses are usually started by a reaction to something....like the first time, it started as my bodies reaction to Prozac & wellbutrin......was almost 20 lbs under my minimum healthy level. This time, it was started when I was sick with asthma & plumited when I ended up dealing with the trauma around the home care RN for my Mother who stole her ID & other things & threatened me along with OD'ing my Mother on morphine...& then my Mothers death. I was at the point where I couldn't get any food or liquid down for the nausea that was constantly there.

After 2 months of being in the medical hospital for malnutrition, I have worked my way back to training & working out with my horses several hours a day.....& showing dressage. I agree, the muscles are really showing & am sure that some of the weight I have gained is purely muscle. For some reason, these few extra lbs are now starting to bother me....I thought they wouldn't but after putting on my show riding pants & finding them a little tighter than last month, I am not really happy with that. It's not that I am so much healthier now either.....still winding up in the ER from passing out from dehydration.

I am now feeling fatter.....and am not feeling happy about that. I am not seeing the walking skeleton that I was, but I am now starting to feel that just a few lbs less won't hurt either. My problem is also when a few lbs come off, more just start falling off than I originally plan for.

Debbie