eating disorder's daily check in spot

Really struggling with the food and water goal. I am forcing myself to eat and that makes me feel sick. Of course Pdoc at IOP (which is for my mental health) thinks it is a side effect of my abilify. I disagree with him 100%. If it was the med I would feel sick all the time not just after/while I am eating. I was ready to tell him off today. I am so over this pdoc thinking he is God's gift to man. I am so tired of fighting this awful disorder.

I had a terrible t appt today. I dont see her for an, but she stated my weight is so low, it is interfering in my ability to comprehend and work on other issues. That made me feel awful.

That's scary (I call it 'cotton brain' because it feels like your head is full of cotton balls) but a real consequence of starvation. can you use that as motivation to get well at least?

I have my monthly doctor's appointment today to get my weight . . . ugh needless to say I don't really want to go . . .

I've been eating a little more and a little healthier. I bought salad mix and veggies and spring roll wraps and have been making yummy salad rolls. Went out to lunch with a friend yesterday. Although it was a Mongolian grill where you can choose to have no oil and just have meat and veggies. It was good though.

Trying to decide if tracking my calories is going to help me make sure I eat enough, or if it's going to trigger me to restrict further.

Lately I've been restricting and exercising, but honestly I feel like the fact I haven't purged in weeks is a huge improvement.

Had 5 crackers and now feel so sick. Was feeling fine before I ate, only a little dizzy. I feel like I am sinking in a pit of sand. I have 10 pages of an assessment to fill out for the EDCenter of KC and can only get 4 pages to print. Just thinking of having to do 8hr days 6 days a week is scaring me. How am I supposed to pay for it if I lose my job?

I couldn't keep my breakfast down even though it was just two salad rolls. (Like spring rolls but with salad ingredients). I'm going to have a yummy chef salad for dinner though and I'm hoping that will stay down. I've lost weight over the past few days but I think in a healthy way up until breakfast today. I'm overweight so that's a good thing to me.

How can i battle demons when i have to battle myself first? Will there be anything left?

I fear that I am literally digging my grave with my teeth ...

Awful day. I went to my parent's house for Mother's Day dinner and they unknowingly served one of my biggest fear foods. I ate too much, stopped at the store on the way home, and had a biggest binge I've had in WEEKS.

I didn't eat at all yesterday. I was working alone and didn't get to eat dinner, and I threw up my breakfast (a fruit cup) in the car on the way to work.

Today I had a fruit cup and a half a small pulled pork sandwich and a little bit of cole slaw. That's an improvement from yesterday I'd say. Though I feel guilty about today and good about yesterday.

I really want to weigh myself today. I don't own a scale, so I would probably drive to my parents' house (which would make me look suspicious) just to use it. This is what happens when I have free time. I get urges to weigh myself/look at pro-ana ****.
But I know weighing myself is BAD and pro-ana is badder!!! Part of me (the bored part I guess, haha) is just really, really curious.

Well I did it. Weighed myself, that is. My estimations were right on the mark. **** me.

Binged for the first time in nine days :/ feeling rubbish but determined to make it longer next time. New start tomorrow...

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Parents made dinner tonight and I haven't ate yet. Not too sure if I will, just not hungry. I've been having serious digestive issues and that doesn't help matters any. I know that the rest of the week I will at least be attempting to eat breakfast, and will be eating lunch. I've been very nauseous in the mornings and there is no way under the sun that I could be pregnant. I'll just have to take Zofran before I eat in the mornings.

I also have an appt. Friday with an ED PHP to see if it is something I would be a candidate for and if they will work with my schedule.

I get morning nausea very frequently, as well. it just makes is that much harder to eat!!! I hope the PHP works out!

Ate a normal amount today, but I'm more stressed than if I had binged. Trying to fight the urge to over-exercise.

Had my assessment at the ED Center of Kansas City today. I meet their criteria and need to have medical clearance to start the program. I also have to make arrangements with work. That in and of itself is super scary. I know my nurse manager is supportive of me, she checks to make sure I have ate something for the day. I just don't know how I can do PHP for 6 days and still have a job. Hopefully I will hear back from EDC-KC early next week about my insurance benefits.

Threw up my dinner last night (I didn't mean to, I think I was food poisoned because my coworker ate the same food and also got sick). But I ate a salad and two salad rolls when i got home. So i at least got some calories for the day. Salad ingredients are the only thing I have in my apartment right now so I didn't really have a lot of high calorie options. I used a lot of salad dressing though. That was the only thing I ate yesterday.

Today I had at least something for breakfast, a handful of roasted edamame. So a little protein.

Threw up after taking my morning meds this morning because I didn't eat first. So i ate some dried banana chips afterward. Planning to go grocery shopping tonight or tomorrow night after work to get some healthy and nutritious foods.

Last night I almost threw up my salad which was the only thing I ate yesterday. Had one beer when i got home after work at midnight. Some carbs at least. Not good ones but still.

Do we have rules about posting triggering content in this thread? I've been massively triggered by this thread lately.

I think the answer is that we need to be supportive of one another... that there will be triggers, and we need to take care of ourselves. But I am often triggered too when it seems like people are happy about or defending their ED behaviors.

Well, I hate my ED and all its stupid behaviors!!!

It's tricky because eating disorders so often involve ambivalence. Feeling both proud of eating properly and feeling guilty. Or the reverse feeling proud of not eating while in the back of your mind knowing that that is disordered and not healthy.