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  #751  
Old Apr 10, 2015, 08:33 PM
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Gr3tta Gr3tta is offline
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I am doing well remembering to drink, but my exercise demon is realy after me.
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  #752  
Old Apr 11, 2015, 06:31 AM
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Iguanadon Iguanadon is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by buttrfli42481 View Post
My dietician suggested that I use an app to remind me to drink (water or juice preferably). I found an app that is for folks who have eating disorders and are trying to recover. I need to figure out if I can make some adjustments on how many meals/snacks are in a day. Right now it has 4 meals and 3 snacks. I also don't know how it is going to work for me when I am working. As for my weight, it has stayed about the same which is a good thing.

Haven't done too well today food wise. Had a protein bar for breakfast and some crackers and a banana for lunch. Just not hungry today. Tonight we are having spaghetti and meatballs. Need to remember portion sizes.
Recovery Record is a great app. The dinking water ones are helpful, too.
Thanks for this!
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  #753  
Old Apr 11, 2015, 06:37 AM
Anonymous37842
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I get so angry and disappointed in myself sometimes
because of my inability to get a handle on me when it
comes to my disordered eating and food issues!

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  #754  
Old Apr 11, 2015, 05:15 PM
Splish Splash Splish Splash is offline
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Please, let tomorrow be a good day.
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  #755  
Old Apr 11, 2015, 05:53 PM
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buttrfli42481 buttrfli42481 is offline
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Not doing good at all. Really need to talk to someone who understands EDs, unfortunately the helplines are all closed for the weekend. My t and dietician don't have after hours either. I don't even see my dietician for a whole month, I see my t on Tuesday. Just have to remember to be honest with her.
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  #756  
Old Apr 12, 2015, 06:02 PM
Splish Splash Splish Splash is offline
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Today WAS a better day. Thank you, myself. :-)
I'm gonna make tomorrow even better.
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  #757  
Old Apr 13, 2015, 12:10 AM
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Bad day today. Have a better day planned for tomorrow. Will try.
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  #758  
Old Apr 13, 2015, 09:30 PM
breakmystride breakmystride is offline
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Today's been an awful day and I'm feeling really panicky. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry for days.
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  #759  
Old Apr 13, 2015, 10:28 PM
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Tomorrow pdoc is going to weigh me. Lie with clothes or let the loss show? So torn.
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  #760  
Old Apr 14, 2015, 01:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gr3tta View Post
Tomorrow pdoc is going to weigh me. Lie with clothes or let the loss show? So torn.
Im always so tempted to falsely elevate my weight, but eventually I hit a point where I can't hide it anymore and end up worse off than I would have been had I been honest from the get go. I say let him or her see the weight loss and address it now.
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  #761  
Old Apr 14, 2015, 09:24 PM
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buttrfli42481 buttrfli42481 is offline
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Still struggling. Ate more today than I have in the past 4 days, and that wasn't much. I saw my t today and we talked about what might have played into this relapse. Didn't have the chance to talk about other treatment options. I have looked into the McCallum Place in St. Louis and my insurance covers 80% at all levels of care. In some ways I wish this relapse would have come when I first went on medical leave. I could be almost done with treatment if it was an IOP. Now that I am going back to work, I am going to have to wait and see how my wrist handles things and whether or not I will be able to stay at this job. I don't know if I am going to be able to overpower ED mind tomorrow and eat breakfast and lunch and a snack. I could use good vibes for that.
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  #762  
Old Apr 14, 2015, 10:38 PM
breakmystride breakmystride is offline
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Made the mistake of stepping on the scale right after eating this evening. I had a huge panic attack and still feeling shaky.
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  #763  
Old Apr 16, 2015, 10:45 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by buttrfli42481 View Post
Still struggling. Ate more today than I have in the past 4 days, and that wasn't much. I saw my t today and we talked about what might have played into this relapse. Didn't have the chance to talk about other treatment options. I have looked into the McCallum Place in St. Louis and my insurance covers 80% at all levels of care. In some ways I wish this relapse would have come when I first went on medical leave. I could be almost done with treatment if it was an IOP. Now that I am going back to work, I am going to have to wait and see how my wrist handles things and whether or not I will be able to stay at this job. I don't know if I am going to be able to overpower ED mind tomorrow and eat breakfast and lunch and a snack. I could use good vibes for that.
McCallum Place sounds like a great place. I looked at it, talked to the medical director etc. I hear great things about it. I'd love to go there, but they rejected me on grounds of medical stability.
I'll be sending good vibes for overcoming your ED mindset tomorrow (or I guess that'd be today?). When I was in residency and really struggling and working 16 hr days and super stressed, my therapist at the time used to tell me, "all you need to do is eat three meals and two snacks". Obviously it wasn't that easy and obviously I had to do a hell of a lot more than sit around and eat all day, but for some reason it helped me to think all I have to do is get through today and eat three meals and two snacks. Seemed to simplify things maybe? I don't know if that helps you any..., but good luck with your decision, I hope you figure out what's right for you
.
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  #764  
Old Apr 16, 2015, 10:56 AM
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Finally leaving the medical hospital next Monday or Tuesday after almost 6 wks for issues from my ED and dreading the thought of the next step. Theoretically, am going to go to Johns Hopkins inpatient program within the next week or so, but I'm dreading the idea so much. I don't even know if I can handle the idea of being back in the hospital AGAIN, this time, likely for longer.
Has anyone else done inpatient or residential treatment when they really didn't want to? How did it turn out? Was it still helpful?
I feel like all I'd get out of it right now is some weight gain and I wouldn't purge or overexercise for however long I was there. I just don't know if I'm ready to give all those behaviors up and I feel like I might just go right back to where I started....If I don't do something, I'm going to die. I get told that on a daily basis, multiple times a day, but I'm just so tired of it all and I just don't know if I have the strength I'll need to do this whole treatment thing right now.
Can anyone else relate?
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  #765  
Old Apr 17, 2015, 12:58 AM
breakmystride breakmystride is offline
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Today was a horrible day. Really wish I had someone I could talk to in person.
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  #766  
Old Apr 17, 2015, 12:03 PM
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In the 2 days that I worked, I managed to eat 2 protein bars, a pb&j, an apple, and a slice of pizza. I drank 2 bottles of water and a Naked Smoothie. Not good in my opinion. I know that I will have to eat dinner tonight, because my folks are home and they sort of get on my case if I don't eat with them. It rather sucks.
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  #767  
Old Apr 20, 2015, 09:33 AM
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My mood has been awesome lately. I think its partially the nice weather and partially that things have just been going good in my life for a while. However, I think believing everything is grand is a little bit of magical thinking. I've been counting my daily cals and they've been low, and I'm not willing to add more. Two weeks ago I was weighed at my docs and there was no loss, but I think there were some other factors contributing to my weight that morning. I'm so scared to gain, but I know, I KNOW if I loose more, there's a big chance I'll be hospitalized. Again. For the 6th time in 5 years. I don't want that to be the end result of all of this.
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  #768  
Old Apr 20, 2015, 09:35 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by breakmystride View Post
Today was a horrible day. Really wish I had someone I could talk to in person.
How are you doing today? We're here for support!!!
  #769  
Old Apr 20, 2015, 01:49 PM
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I don't think I'm gonna eat again for a while...I'm fed up with feeling sick and bloated.
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  #770  
Old Apr 21, 2015, 03:11 PM
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buttrfli42481 buttrfli42481 is offline
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I wish I didn't have my hunger cues when I wake up. I don't like eating first thing in the morning. Yesterday was a work day. I had a protein bar and a pb&j. I was hungry when I got home around 9pm and couldn't eat because "it was too late" in my mind. I go to bed around 9:30pm. Today I have had nothing of substance to eat and don't plan on eating much more as my stomach doesn't feel well. I called my dietician about 3minutes too late for her to call me back today. I don't know what to do. My job is not conducive to eating proper meals as I get 2 30min breaks a day and am lucky if I get both of those. I am afraid of losing my job because then I will lose my insurance and won't be able to get any type of treatment other than my t and dietician. I am at a loss.
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  #771  
Old Apr 21, 2015, 10:40 PM
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I pretty much hate myself. I'm a horrible person. I don't deserve to do something positive like eat, I wish I could just starve myself or exercise myself away to absolutely nothing. Because that's what I feel I am, worthless and consistent of nothing but crap. All I do is screw everything up, I really don't even want to try anymore. Life is pointless, what's the point of even existing? I wish someone would have told me this a long time ago.
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  #772  
Old Apr 21, 2015, 10:51 PM
breakmystride breakmystride is offline
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Does anyone ever feel like you have to choose between restricting or binging and purging, like there's no middle ground?

I haven't eaten much in several days and I'm feeling the effects of it, but I can't bring myself to eat a normal-sized meal because I KNOW it would trigger a bulimic episode.
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  #773  
Old Apr 22, 2015, 03:09 PM
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buttrfli42481 buttrfli42481 is offline
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I thought my parents were going to take me out for my birthday tonight, boy was I wrong. They are going out to eat with friends. This makes me feel so loved. It was going to be the first meal I have eaten since Monday at 11am. Instead I am not going to eat. I'm not worthy of eating anything good, so why bother with eating. I hate my life!
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  #774  
Old Apr 23, 2015, 12:58 PM
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spondiferous spondiferous is offline
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I feel like I'm at a crossroads. On the one hand, even though I definitely don't feel like I'm in a place where my ED is 'under control,' I do feel like, in the context of being 'uncontrolled,' it is the best it's ever been. At the same time I have definitely plateaued. I do not feel healthy, vital, energetic. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, as the saying goes.

In four months and a bit my wife and I will be moving out of the city to a different place. I am nervous about what affect a whole new environment (a place I've never lived before) will have on my depression, anxiety, panic, and eating disorders. At the same time, it is a small city that has is an epicentre of health and justice, and so there are many more treatment options for me there that I simply cannot access here due to lack of funds and availability, like herbal and traditional medicine, acupuncture, and an eating disorder program that is not only community based and self-referred (just have to have a GP), but also includes things like art and expressive therapies and energy healing, all of which I respond extremely well to as a creative and empathic person.

So, in a sense, I have hope. I have hope that I can begin to heal on a level that works for me, and not for the various health professionals that really just keep regurgitating the same information to me. I just hope I can get there in one piece.

I wish you all the best today - the most peace, the most safety, the most ease of mind that you can possibly have.
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  #775  
Old Apr 23, 2015, 08:07 PM
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buttrfli42481 buttrfli42481 is offline
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I saw my dietician today and she is very concerned with how much weight I have lost in a month. I get nauseated at the thought of food and eating it is another story. She had me call my GP to see about getting me some anti-nausea meds so I can eat. My GP doesn't see a big weight drop and doesn't think there is a problem. I can't afford to lose anymore weight and can't eat what I need to. I don't know how my body is going to handle working 3 12hr days this weekend on such little intake.
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