eating disorder's daily check in spot

Home alone.....I tried to fight it. It won. I am weak. No excuse. It is as addicting as any drug. I needed it. I felt euphoric.....but it does not last long. Now I am looking at my body and how I am ruining it. My throat hurts. I hate that. I so wish I had a counselor to call right at the moment I am going to give in.

Pfft.....she asked if I had done inpatient. I said no and she said why? Why do I need inpatient? I am not binging/purging daily. 4x a week tops. That does not warrant inpatient. I do not think she wants me in her group. My T said he will chat with her.

what about calling a crisis line when you're at that point? they are there to help you through all kinds of crises, and these are crises because your health and life are at risk by continuing the behaviors.

Not wasting their time for a bulimic. Please. Save that for people who are in a real crisis.

not doing so great...restriction has been really bad...even through my IP stay a few days (for depression/suicidal ideation)...bleh. feeling very ambivalent about all of this

Making grilled cheese with turkey right now...today was okay. Could've been better, could've been worse. At least I have 3 meals, even though the spacing was crap.

Thanks everyone for your updates. I hope no one minds the lurking. I do get good insights and ideas from you guys.

I have been trying to hit a reset button and rid my body of all it's toxins: cigarettes, sugar- yuck. I have not actually p since Thursday and then two days not eating, followed by today where I did take in a small amount of calories....anything I do around the food is just to try and avoid the p. if I starve myself I won't have to purge so I guess this is where I am at.

((((After Re-reading this I can hear my therapist cringing and telling me why all of the above is so screwed up. I get that this up and sets the stage for more up and down, I am just really, really, really needing to stop purging ASAP and starvation is the only way I know how.))))

Ate today...mostly things I shouldn't (like actually, medically shouldn't -- lots of gluten because that's what there was at work and I was at a training out of town all day)...so I'm feeling bad (physically) because of that...but I'm going out to dinner with my mom in a bit so I'll get something that works with my body better. Also today discovered I've lost weight in the past month or so...I put on a skirt for work this morning which when I bought it about a month ago was perfectly snug without a belt, and I had to dig up the belt that goes with it in order to keep it up! All I've been told about eating not making you fat is true...I've been eating way more than I was before, and I'm not gaining at all! So weird to me!!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!! I did so good yesterday. Totally just lost it. I tried to eat some left over corned beef and cabbage and then everything else around me also went in my mouth and then out.

I totally understand that -- I feel like when I do eat I HAVE to purge...whenever I tell my T that I haven't purged, she's like "so you're restricting" - not even a question. She just knows that's how it goes for me.

Spacing today was horrid (ate at 7, 12 and 8), but I had a good variety...fruits, proteins, veggies, starches...but I also ate when I could since I was at a work workshop from 9-6:30 and didn't get home til 7:45pm after leaving at 7:30am...

Took food for dinner and didn't eat it. Just threw it out. Eh.

Saw my N today...she's upping my eating plan...not sure how I feel about that...why can't it be enough that I eat multiple times a day?? But I have been doing a lot better since I started seeing her. I went from eating once, maybe twice a day to eating 3-5 times a day. Still technically restricting, but I feel like I'm eating a ton! But a win is that my N said she's noticing that I'm a lot less judgmental about my food choices than I used to be. There was only 1 day in the past week that I really said was a bad day because I ate almost nothing but candy. I said 1 other thing was a mistake to eat, but that was only because it was pasta and I'm gluten intolerant, so I wasn't being judgmental about that, just stating the facts.

Did pretty good today. Was missing a few things on my meal plan check off, but only 1 or two.

No recovery in sight. It just feels to good to stop. I tried so now I give in. You win Bulimia.

Binged. Depressed.

Not restricting, but so busy at work that I'm not given time to eat.

My clothes are getting too big, but the worst part is I'm sorta enjoying that.

I need to get my head on straight & get back on a schedule eating real food at real times.

I feel like I am never going to be small enough, and I didn't even work out today I just slept.

Not doing super great today...but it could be worse. Feel like I have to either have pasta or rice with dinner to get in my grains...don't really feel like taking the effort to cook either one...but I guess I'll make some of one anyway.

Restricted all day. Which caused more lies. Agh.

Did really good eating 3 meals a day during the week. Today I had breakfast, a snack, and dinner. Tomorrow is a new day!

eating so much...too much...feeling disgusting...horrible. so much self-hatred.

I haven't really stopped crying since I had a therapy appointment last week. I don't know how to pull myself out of this anymore.

What happened in Therapy?!