eating disorder's daily check in spot

I showed up a mess there- I'm just so tired of living with this thing and I get scared that I can't make the changes that are so painfully obvious, yet so elusive.

I actually managed to eat today and not feel guilt about it. I am proud of myself.

I was so super close to meeting my meal plan today...just a little shy on bean/meat protein. Everything else was spot on -- in fact, my dairy was even 1 over! #proud

SDRL I think that one over in dairy should count for your protein. You did great!

The nurse at PHP said that I look great this time around and my labs show it. I must be doing something right, though I feel so guilty about missing meals on the weekends.

Thanks. I was missing 2 units for bean/meat protein, so even if you count being over in dairy, I was still a teeny bit short. If I were to eat like a handful of almonds (not that I will both because I'm stuffed, and because I forgot to buy more when I went shopping), then I'd be set. That's how close it is. I'm trying really hard though, and this was my first week with the upped amounts, so I'd say it was overall a success.

Restricting today and I feel so frustrated because yesterday I did so well and I feel like I am letting it fall to pieces again. Ugh.

Today hasn't been so good, but I've been on the move since 10:30 this morning and literally just got home.

But I saw my N today and she is very happy with how I've been doing and how I've taken on the challenges and held up my responsibilities.

It's all gone worse. My mom is forcing me, and guilt tripping me into eating dinner and I can't do it I can't.

I had a GREAT day today! I was exactly where I'm supposed to be! Not a single category was low and I was actually over in a few! Hoping I can stay on this track.

YAY for great days!!!

I've been extremely worried about my brother these last few days and haven't been eating like I should. I had some Greek yogurt, a wrap and chips today. Tomorrow is a new day.

Extremely proud of you, Sing!
Buttr, I hope tomorrow is much easier on you.

As for me, I restricted a lot today. But; that being said, I actually ate dinner. And ate everything on my plate. And I didn't panic like I did yesterday. Small steps.

Thank you all!

Today wasn't very good, mainly because I ended up having ZERO time to eat during my lunch break at work because I went to go get food quickly before an interview and then ran into my friend's mom and talked up until I had to go to the interview which took up the rest of my break...I did eat breakfast, dinner and some on a date after that though.

Today I just feel... gross. I ate what was recommended to me. And my mom sat with me and told me that treating myself to a non-diet drink would be okay (it's one of my fear foods). I did drink it. And then ate a fun sized candy bar. I feel gross, but I did it.

Good job Grey! The more regularly you eat and do things like treating yourself the less bad you'll start feeling about it. Two months ago, I would literally cry if/when I tried to eat a meal, and now I eat 3 meals almost every single day without too much thought of it. It's all about baby steps.

Thank you, dear. ((((sing)))). I'm glad I did it, despite how my brain is telling me to feel. I need to put weight on, and I know I do. I hate the way I look and feel, and with my illnesses I need to put weight on and weigh the right amount for my height. I am trying so hard, I just hope it gets easier.

With all the stress I've been dealing with & now stbxh is being a jerk & finally just told him to get himself a lawyer & they could sort it out because I wasn't going to give into his warped sense of values.......got a new smart phone & trying to get all the numbers set up & try to get my friends my new number..........find myself up for days & forgetting to even eat because I'm focused on all the high priority things my brain needs to focus on.......I was so shocked at how much I had lost this morning when I weighed myself after no weighing for several weeks......& of course, the food that I ate last night went through so fast,......even laxitives never worked that fast on me years ago when I was into that.......

I have been feeling that spacy depersonalization feeling where I am sort of just here doing the things I have to do but loose complete track of time & days......like I thought wednesday morning was only Tuesday & couldn't figure out where Tuesday went & yet I know because I was here sitting at my computer desk all day......she said it's a combination of not eating well, not sleeping well & all the anxiety I'm dealing with.....all together, my body reacts with that sort of feeling when I end up watching myself functioning.....I feel not there & yet my mind is there....it's this very spacey feeling that's hard to describe......other than I hate it when it happens because I feel so out of control of myself.....end up having so many things that I have to do that many don't even get touched because I end up stuck in the one thing I am fucusing on.....have even missed appointments......totally not being able to get the body to function beyond just sitting there & doing what it's been doing.

Just hope that this level of anxiety will not be too long lasting because I don't have enough weight to spare at this point in time

Right now my head's doing this whiring sort of thing that is part of that spacey feeling......need to get to bed.....but the other night when I went to bed early, I ended up waking up in a few hours & that was a wasted night because I couldn't get back to sleep......grrrrrm

Today was a good day. I had breakfast, lunch, dinner and a snack. I might even have another snack later.

Another not so good day, but it was also super crazy. Wasn't feeling well this morning so I skipped breakfast and then didn't end up eating anything until 3pm when I went on my lunch break, and then I didn't eat anything again until a little after 9pm...so in all, I ate twice today. Tomorrow is another day. I'll at least get breakfast in since I don't work til noon, and dinner since I'm closing at work and will get a break around 4 or 5. Maybe I'll take a 15 before that and get something to eat. That's probably a good idea.

So proud of you, Sing. You're doing so well.

I had some bad things happen to me so I didn't eat all day. I also haven't had anything to drink. It's just been a bad day. I'll try harder tomorrow.

Today was okay food-wise. Didn't make plan, but I did eat some foods that were previously on my "bad" list (curly fries and a milkshake from Arby's), so I count that as a win. Body image wise though, it was GREAT! I wore an outfit that made me feel awesome and every single time I looked in the mirror (which tbh was fairly often because I liked what I saw), I was like damn I look good today! AND, to make things even better, I went to Victoria's Secret and got measured and got 2 new bras that make me look AMAZING!!

Great work SDRL!

I feel gross and fat and if i can restrict i will feel bettter.

No you won't. You'll just get caught up in the restrict/binge cycle and then hate yourself for that.

Sometimes when I hate my body that much, I decide to just ignore it. I wont look in any mirrors, wont wear clothing that lets me see or feel my perceived blubber and don't even move around very much, lest I feel anything jiggle. I'm not saying this is healthy, but it's better than starving myself. I already know that leads to bad things.

Tried. Failed.

constantly distracted & food is hard to make one of my priorities. When living alone & trying to eat all the meals that are supposed to be normal, it feels like all I'm doing is constantly cooking & eating for a few minutes, then cleaning dishes & when do I have time for all the other higher priority things in my life.....somehow, eating & food just seems to get in the way of life.....wish there was an easier way to get nutrition then by eating....but I hate those shake things after being in an ED treatment center where if you didn't finish your meal even if you only left a few bites, they forced you to drink a sustical......it's not even on my consider list.

LOL...yesterday, our electricity went out while I was on the phone & just before I was planning on going down to the kitchen to make something to eat......we had a huge storm go through & the electricity was out until almost 5am in the morning......lol...what an excuse to not be able to fix food to eat considering my home is all electric.....ice cream wasn't a bad choice actually it tasted pretty good.....but it's not something that really sticks to the ribs & keeps the hunger away.

Got a steak out to defrost today, but didn't feel like doing the BBQ thing.....will save that for tomorrow......I really hate eating & food even when I know it's what is so necessary to help me function & to even feel ok.