eating disorder's daily check in spot

I have a friend who just had surgery to correct this problem of pee leaking out at times.....it was from a prolapsed bladder (think that's what they called the problem)....it's actually a medical problem that can be fixed through surgery. I know for me, just getting older & when I end up lifting something really heavy, it will cause pee to leak out & that's even at a weight that is just a little above the lowest ok weight for my size. They say that extra weight causes the problem to be greater when we get older & then when there is an actual medical problem that needs to be corrected surgically, which is something people don't like to really do if they don't HAVE TO.....it does cause that problem of not smelling good even though they don't notice it.

I am so sensitive about smelling, during the summer, even just working around my own yard, I change my cloths every time I come into the house to go to the bathroom.....sometimes the humidity is so great & can't get my cloths back up, so have to put on clean dry cloths which makes me feel better also.

Have been enjoying the fresh fruit I bought at the grocery store yesterday.....blueberries, black berries & raspberries I put together in a bowl & have been enjoying snacking on them all day. They had yellow plums at the grocery yesterday also.....they are the most delicious plums I have ever tasted....wish I had purchased more now than just the 2 I bought.....but I will enjoy the nectarines.....& the little tangerines......could live on fruit. I also bought sweet potato chips....they are healthy to snack on......but I do need to eat REAL meals & sometimes when I have the snack food even though it's good & healthy, I don't bother making meals for myself......too lazy.

I only have 1 mirror up in my house & it's a bathroom wall mirror over the sink.....which is higher than anything that I can use to see anything other than my face. I do have a scale that I was never willing to give up......& I can definitely see when the weight starts to drop, it's something that gives a good feeling & the desire for it to go lower....even though I haven't allowed it to happen because none of my stresses have been bad enough or lasted long enough for that to happen.

I do remember how disgusting I looked after loosing so much weight back in 2004/2005......looking like my 96 year old grandmother with all her wrinkles wasn't anything that looked pretty. My face is still full of those wrinkles as even though I have gained back to a safe weight which took several years.....it's not enough to fill in the wrinkles & I'm not willing to gain enough for them to be filled in.....will just have to live with the wrinkles

Bad day for me...ate a kinda okay breakfast I guess, a decent lunch, and a crap dinner (well, not that bad, just ridiculously late -- about 7 hours after I ate lunch). Merr...

SDRL
Sometimes we are our own worst enemy.....the honest truth & give yourself a lot of credit...it doesn't matter when, it matters that you were able to eat it & it wasn't bad..it doesn't matter how long after in reality.......sometimes it's that hardness on ourselves that's where the ED comes from in the first place.....be proud of yourself rather than hard on yourself.

Yeah...but when you're expected by more than one person (T and nutritionist) to not go more than 4-5 hours without eating...kinda makes you feel bad.

ugh...i dont' know how to make all this chaos stop...i'm caught in a horrible eat/purge cycle. not even binging...just eating and purging. eating and purging. then not eating for a day or two ...then eating and purging. eating and purging. sometimes I don't even realize what I am doing and then there i am - over the toilet purging...again.

I'm here and have been lurking, just been going through a deep depression. I feel like I am just spinning and unable to push through the disgust that comes with eating normally (for me, this means weight gain). My days are caught in this mental tug-of-war of wanting to make peace with food but not knowing how to make it okay....or even just finding the tolerance to sit with the self-hate I have when I eat. I am coming to a point of realizing that I am a chronic case and I will never be free of the mental trappings of this thing because something is broken in me...I am unable to feel love or any sort of compassion for myself, despite working hard on all of these issues in therapy.

i know how you feel...i feel like i am probably a chronic case too...i've been doing this since i was about 12 or 13 -- so it's been 23-25 years...2/3 of my life. i don't think this will ever go away. i have lost all hope in getting over this.

MY therapist keeps telling me I a worth more than a number on the scale and intellectually I get this but I don't feel it. I wish I could sell myself on this idea, even a little. My problem is that it feels like there is a dead zone in me, where nothing can penetrate or spark that real belief in me that it will be okay. I can't buy into these mental tricks anymore.....I just don't accept my body or being and ill take the crap life with the disorder over the self-loathing that comes from seeing my body change.

I get this...about the exact amount of time for me too.

One Day.
One Hour.
One Minute.

Patient.
Gentle.
Kind.

,
Pfrog!

Who gave us those messages anyway that we somehow aren't good enough because of how much we do or don't weigh? Who in the hell are they anyway?

Who died and made them god?

My body has changed too ... Several times.

It's been difficult for me, but I'm learning to love me exactly as I am.

Here & Now!

I'm learning to appreciate every bit of me.

Every stretch mark.
Every scar.
That belly flap.
Those sagging bags underneath my upper arms.
My tired, worn out knees, feets & legs.
The arthritis.
The cane.
All of it.

It's me and it's brought me this far.

It has a story to tell.

I will not be ashamed.

If only for today.

I will love and cherish it ALL.

I made it a full week without eating/purging. Why? Well it seems being in a sever suicidal state, packing things up, googling suicide, stops the eating disorder in its tracks. I feel stable today and wonder how I made it through? Now I want to purge. NO R.F. I do not want to talk to those parts and ask them what they hope for me! Thanks for your F'n support when I felt such shame and embarrassment for myself! That had to be the worst work you have done and ruined the therapeutic relationship. I hope you fall off your bike!

I had a really big lunch around 2:30, and since the rest of the family isn't eating anything more, that means I won't either. Although I might have some ice cream later if I think about it then. Not good since I am seeing my dietician on Wednesday and have been having a rough go at it lately. I haven't completely fallen off the track, but am close.

Buttrfli - Sorry to hear you are struggling a bit. It's normal tho - give yourself grace but do the next right thing tomorrow and eat according to your plan!

Doing reeeallllyyy poorly on body image. Tried on about 15 different outfits last night to wear today, and all of them made me feel terrible, except 1 which I still wasn't completely happy with. BUT, my nutritionist was really happy with my progress when I saw her today after going 2 weeks between appts. I told both T and her that I feel like I'm eating so much, but in reality, I'm really not, and they both said that. But it's much more than I'm used to and it makes me uncomfortable, especially because I don't have a scale so I can't gauge my weight really at all and that's a really hard thing for me.

Ugh... Body Image

I actually did one really good meal today.....it was late at night while lightening was flashing all around, but I made a really yummy blueberry sauce & BBQ'ed my Alaskan Halibut. I have a burner next to the BBQ that I cooked the sauce on while I was BBQ'ing the Halibut & on the top rack, I BBQ'ed my fresh corn on the cob thich I used butter & a sauce that I love made of sour cream/mayo, fresh cilantro from my herb garden & lime juice sprinkled with parmesean cheese. I was eating in stages, first the fish, then the corn. Saved 1/2 of the fish for another day because I BBQ'ed way more than I knew I would eat, but wanted to do it all at one time so I could have some left-overs which makes life easier for me.

Snacked on sweet potato chips earlier in the day....not a good idea, but at least it was healthy snacking....which is what I try to allow if I'm going to allow myself to have snacks in the house in the first place.

Heading to bed & trying to get some reasonable amount of sleep tonight. The hospital is having a food presentation at the Library tomorrow at 10:30am.....I'm thinking it would be a good one to go to....another lady in town is doing a free presentation on anti cancer foods on the 15th. I know that when I go grocery shoping, I look at all the labels of the foods I buy & so many things I put back because I know they have unhealthy ingrediants in them.....gets to be at times everything I pick up & put back because of that.....eating healthy takes time to prepare...but it's so much healther & if I'm going to put food in my body....it has to be healthy food!!!! It's no wonder I hate going grocery shopping.....ugh!!!!!

not doing so good...see my T today...

Family coming to visit my peaceful home. Noise, crap all over, emotions, keeping face...........tyring to secretly purge.

Not doing well at all. Purged multiple times already today and really missing my T.

Really bad day. Ate once at 11:45am and then had nothing but a few swigs of Gatorade until 9 when I had a glass of my smoothie. I barely slept last night, work was awful today, and when I'm stressed/anxious, I just don't eat.

Even though I haven't been following my meal plan to a "T", my weight is staying stable, in fact it hadn't changed according to my dietician.

I skipped breakfast today and had a good lunch and a small dinner today. Drank about 16oz of black mango iced tea from quick trip. Tomorrow is a new day.

it's been a couple of days since i managed to eat anything...T was very concerned about everything yesterday...almost didn't let me leave...going to hopefully see psychiatrist today they have walk-in time at 2pm -- first five on the list get to see him. Case manager said to be there by 1:30...I will be there by 1:15.

We always have a lot going on that triggers our not eating.....always that being stress.

I always say...I just want to finish this last little bit of work, then I can relax & eat or sleep.....but somehow, that last little bit to finish seems to take forever.....maybe because I'm so stressed over getting it finished or sometimes I'm so tired I can't even focus any longer & just NEED to stop, eat & sleep & sometimes I can't even figure out what priority needs to come first, eat or sleep. I bought a fresh pineapple last week & want to grill it on my BBQ.....for some reason enjoying my grilled food seems to be more flavorful & enjoyable than just the normal microwave food that I don't enjoy.....grilled eggplant off my eggplant I'm growing sounds good also.....& fresh grilled corn on the cob....just need to figure out some protein in there somehow. I missed the nutrition program at the library yesterday.....it would have been really good.

Not doing so hot today either...so far I've had a protein bar, a few chips and a little spinach. Hopefully I'll be able to eat some more later.