eating disorder's daily check in spot

This is turning into an important milestone week for me. I'm not going to make any apologies, I'm just going to let myself be happy. I know i will have to be sorry later, i know i might find reasons to be sorry now if i cared to look, but right now to heck with that.

I really love all my new negative gadgets. I was actually worried they might save me too much time at first, but now i am working them out to be just the right amount of time consuming.

Why do all social activities have to revolve around food?!? I don't know if I'm rejecting the social situation or just the food.

Not today, ED ... I got other things to contend with!

I am really tired of people who don't know what they're talking about talking about eds. Please note: you just make yourself sound like a complete idiot. (*not directed towards anyone here, just venting)

I've decided to get healthy.
I had worked hard before and was doing reasonably well.
But I slipped up.
I started going days without eating again.
...and I know I need to stop doing this.
Over the weekend I'm going to the store and getting a little notebook to carry with me.
I'm going to have a check list in there for each day.
I'm going to set goals for myself.
Starting with making sure I get up to two meals a day.
Hoping to get up to the desired three with a couple snacks in between.
Going to start taking my vitamins again.
And exercise to make up for muscle loss.
It's going to be really hard.
And just thinking about it has made me feel a little ill.
But I'm going to try.
I found out about a physical illness recently that's causing heart problems
and I know what I'm doing to my body isn't helping that.
I need to do this.
I'm terrified, but I need to do this.
I might need a little or even a lot of support some days,
but I want to be healthy again.

So i was super excited to treat myself to a new scale. (Bad, wrong, unhealthy, i know, i don't care right now) I wanted it in part because i suspected the rickety old scale i pulled out of the attic might not be perfectly accurate.
... well its not. It was off. Not by a lot, by most people's standards, i know, but enough to be stressful for me. It BOTHERS me.
The problem is already fixed. I have an accurate scale now. This is one of the reasons i got a new one in the first place. But it still bothers me!
Resetting everything with accurate numbers has been distracting me all morning.

Trying to reset my mind from a place of accuracy.

Had a bad binge day today, which I know is my fault for restricting too badly.

Only ate once earlier today,
was going to have a brownie
[delicious but so bad but I was actually okay with it today, I probably would have regretted it tomorrow, but I was actually okay with it today]
ended up slipping on my stairs and my brownie fell on the floor and ended up covered in cat hair.
So, no brownie, which is probably for the best anyway...
but I also hurt my arm.
So, I'm done.
No more food today.
Ate once.
Good enough for today.

Going to the store tomorrow though to get that notebook and some foods that won't make me feel super guilty when I eat them.
Still going to work toward my goal that I talked about before.
Today was just a bad day.

I am so glad when other people post here. i dont like updating with myself.

My weight has plateaued and it's freaking me out because I haven't been eating, so I'm scared of what will happen when I do eat. I'll gain a LOT.

Had breakfast this morning and can feel myself slipping into binge mode. I'm already feeling guilty just knowing I'm going to eat more today, but I know I will anyway. It's an awful feeling.

I cant even 'do' an ED properly...*sobs*

Don't even care about eating...don't cate about living so why wpuld i care if i eat or not????

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I am sorry to hear so many of you are struggling right now. I can relate so much to the things you are sharing though, thank you for that.

Today i refused to weigh myself because i feared the number would ruin my day. The not knowing has made me frantic though. I've been marching and pacing and twitching all over the building at work. I just keep hoping people will file it under weird versus concerning, or inappropriate.

I am confused about what constitutes a 'good' day and a 'bad' day at the moment.
A good day is now a day in which I eat as little as possible and a bad day is where I eat more than a tiny amount.

So F'd up. A good day should be a healthy day.

I am afraid i will get in trouble for exercising at work. I hate wasting all that time though! As long as i still get all my work done, it should be okay, right? Technically, there is no rule against it.

@HealingTimes - i posted almost that exact thought a couple weeks ago. I'm sorry that's where you are at right now.

Thanks Gr3tta, that's really appreciated.

*************TW*********************

I am so pleased with myself in a twisted sick way. Eating 1 meal a day (only) is not really healthy, but my brain is so F'd up that I really don't care- in fact I am proud of that.


*********** end of TW********************

Having an ED is so ***** sometimes

I'm sorry HT. it is not helpful when the own mind praises self for unhealthy behavior. My head does that too. And it berates for things i remember ought to be right but it gets confusing?

many tummy woes today. I kept rotating which bathroom i used at work today because i was embarrassed so glad am off tomorrow. hope i dont have to avoid eating out. maybe i can blame rotten tummy.

Been doing ok lately. I need to get my sleep schedule on track so I can get my food schedule on track. Been eating at least 2 meals a day, and wanting to eat past 10pm when I do. Need to fix this so I am not so hungry late at night. I CAN do this.

Rough food weekend. It's always a battle to balance doing what has to be done with not hurting feelings, which at this point i do still care about.
I am planning for some easier dodges this coming week.

haven't b/p in 3 days and going into treatment....sad part is I now think I've devloped GERD

major trigger warning

After being around 2 weeks clean, I took laxatives again. And I don't even feel bad about it. After a horribly depressing weekend, it feels good to be sick to my stomach and completely miserable.

Today i am thinking there is nothing wrong with me. I am just some fat person obsessing over food. I've lost all objectivity, or am seeing perfectly clearly.
Floundering.
I'm just going to work on my core, and hope for the best tonight. While fearing the worst. I hope i can get tired enough to sleep.

I am a huge fat horrible failure. I cant stop binging, and have gained weight, I look pregnant and am repulsed by my own body

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