[LucyD]

[stormyisland]

I'm battling today between wanting to fast/restrict and wanting to get better. After my last therapy session I've started wondering whether it could be possible that I'm fine as I am and now just trying to pluck up the courage to attempt recovery. My problem is I'm still not 100% convinced I definitely have an eating disorder. At times I wonder if it could just be slightly disordered eating/dieting that's pretty normal for our culture. I feel like I need my therapist to validate it and say she definitely thinks I have an ed and then I can start fighting or almost like it is an external force.

[Blue_Bird]

I don't know how I'm doing. I stopped purging the past week but I have been eating...I guess probably more than I should....and now I want to restrict... I looked at myself in a full length mirror today and I'm at a completely normal weight now...I'm just scared to gain weight back after losing all that I did (in a healthy way of a time period of 2 years)

[eskielover]

Pick healthy foods to eat now & monitor. Weight during the summer ezpecially can fluctuate 5 lbs in a very short time drinkinking to rehydrate or outside working & sweating off the water....just remember it is not weight but fluids

[stormyisland]

I'm struggling to get the healthy voice to sound a bit louder when the ed voice is so loud at the moment. Only a couple of pounds more to go it says. I've reached my original goal weight but it's never enough is it. Ive forgotten how suttle it can be. From my previous battle with ed I remembered always feeling fat. It's not like that this time. I know I'm not fat but just feel like I could love my body if I could drop just a tiny bit. Just a tiny bit more and then I'll stop. Yeah, right. I'm really hoping my therapy will have some good tools for dealing with this. Sorry all of you have to struggle with this horrible illness too. Hate our looks obsessed culture and hate ed!!

[LucyD]

Yes, our culture is obsessed with looks. I am old now and fading away. I am quite a bit overweight. Probably enough for a gastric bypass but can't afford it and my body probably couldn't take it either. I'm stuck trying to lose but keep going up and down a little bit in weight. Can't seem to lose now. I think I may stop using the scale so much-it's depressing!

[88Butterfly88]

A pretty good day so far. I did have two oversize snacks once instead of one but that's still progress.

[LucyD]

I hope everyone will have a good week ahead...

it is a new week.

I have written the menu up for the week, made sure I have everything in for the week (I do, which is good)- and I have very few snacks left in my room to munch on (just a few bags of crisps), so that might give me an insentive to eat well

plus I don't have much money this week so It's not like I'll be buying huge boxes of candy

[stormyisland]

Anyone else that's experienced therapy making your ed worse? My t really worried about me when I restrict. She doesn't seem to worry at all of I self-harm or do anything else stupid but the restricting gets her really worried. So now I find myself addicted to her worrying about me. I feel like I'd be able to start working to stop restricting but because that would mean I'd lose her worrying about me I'm actually restricting more and more and losing weight quite fast. So frustrated!!

[Blue_Bird]

@stormyisland, yes. I can actually understand that. I have felt the same way at times and it's fueled my desire to get thinner at some points in my life, it's definitely frustrating

It's day 2 of my eating disorder recovery. I'm optimistic, it is hard but worth it.

I made a grocery list with a lot of good healthy foods to have around so I'm excited about that. I also tried a recipe from my Weight Watchers cookbook last night which turned out amazing!

I hope everyone is doing okay, keep on fighting

[LucyD]

This is one of those days when I feel like giving up, what's the use, I'm too old to keep fighting any more...diabetic diet is too hard!!

Originally Posted by LucyD

This is one of those days when I feel like giving up, what's the use, I'm too old to keep fighting any more...diabetic diet is too hard!!

hey lucy... keep going.

I'm sure you're doing just fine!

I have been doing okay this week.

I've had the odd snack (of course I have), I can not not have snacks- I'd really miss them

but mostly been okay

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by stormyisland

Anyone else that's experienced therapy making your ed worse? My t really worried about me when I restrict. She doesn't seem to worry at all of I self-harm or do anything else stupid but the restricting gets her really worried. So now I find myself addicted to her worrying about me. I feel like I'd be able to start working to stop restricting but because that would mean I'd lose her worrying about me I'm actually restricting more and more and losing weight quite fast. So frustrated!!

That was actually part of what I waz dealing with both times my anorexia landed me in the hospital....but I didn't realize it at the time. Looking back I can see it clearly.

Sad part looking back, it us sad to think that psych hospitals were better than living in my marriage. Anorexia the first time was passive suicide attempt too. Just wanting to disappear into NOTHING.

There is so much more underlying ED'S even anorexia than JUST wanting to be thin.

[Blue_Bird]

Yesterday was very bad. Today will be better

[eskielover]

Stress is building. Spending time getting ready for a stressful trip. Mind is on everything but food & too tired, hot by the time I crash to even want to fix food or eat. Trying to eat healthy when I eat.

made myself sick yesterday.

nothing to do with overeating, just really horrible chicken pie

and I don't feel like eating anything today

well, I do, I'm starving

but still feel a bit sick

[LucyD]

Can't get my blood sugar numbers down to where they belong. Eating wrong things and too much again. I was doing okay for a short time. I'm tired of getting disgusted with myself. I hate myself!

[eskielover]

My PA friend says diabetes is the silent killer. Had a friend who ended up in dialisis, then a kidney transplant, then heart valve replacement because of the damage done to her heart from the diabetis. It was sad to see her go through so much at the same age I was & end up suffering a fatal stroke in the end.

I hope you are able to get your blood sugar under control I sure understand from others how difficult it is even when trying to eat right.

managed to eat some burgers and chips

proud of myself for eating a proper meal too- not just junk

[Blue_Bird]

Day 4, so far so good!

[LucyD]

Originally Posted by eskielover

My PA friend says diabetes is the silent killer. Had a friend who ended up in dialisis, then a kidney transplant, then heart valve replacement because of the damage done to her heart from the diabetis. It was sad to see her go through so much at the same age I was & end up suffering a fatal stroke in the end.

I hope you are able to get your blood sugar under control I sure understand from others how difficult it is even when trying to eat right.

Yes, I keep hearing more and more of the terrible things it can do. Blindness, amputations are some more things I don't want to get. My blood sugar was better today but it should be lower. It was low enough for where they want me at now but then I will have to go lower. For me it's hard to get used to eating salad type/veggies more. Maybe if I put lemon on them it will taste better. Had a yummy dinner tonight of pierogis--could have 3 of them. Had a sauce over them that was good. I still want to eat more and I've had enough for the day. I might be able to have a small snack of fruit later. Thank you for your post. Yesterday I was just a mess, feel like that a lot lately. Best to you.

[eskielover]

Your dinner of pierogis sounds wonderful. Glad your blood sugar is lower. I understand the battle of having to determine what foods will or won't effect it.

I have known some people who have lost weight & their diabetis went away but that depends on the type ofbdiabetis you have. Have akso heard if psych meds causing it too. Hope you can find what works

I sort of scared myself yesterday.

I'm back on the candy and well.. I'm eating it too quickly

yesterday I was worried that something was stuck (eating it way too fast), but a drink helped thank god- nothing worse than choking

I did manage a meal yesterday too (pizza and garlic bread), but in the last 24 hours, I've got through candy in a remarkable rate