[Blue_Bird]

It's very frustrating having an eating disorder but to really enjoy cooking and learning new recipes lol. how odd.

I'm doing good. I got a book at the used bookstore called "The Eating Disorder Sourcebook" (3rd Edition) by Carolyn Costin. It seems like it's packed full of useful information.

this week... not as bad as it could be

bearing in mind that things like my fridge and my cupboard have recently been fully stocked again

this week I only really had 1 bad day.. and that day was so bad I couldn't eat my dinner (or not all of it)

[shovelhead]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

I forget, what is your ED? Can't remember. You seem to exercise a lot.

Hiya! Can I PM you? I wanted to ask u a question about exercise. I asked u in a reply here, once. But u must not have seen it in notifications.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by shovelhead

Hiya! Can I PM you? I wanted to ask u a question about exercise. I asked u in a reply here, once. But u must not have seen it in notifications.

Sure, you can PM me. I don't remember the post, or maybe it was just timing (days when I couldn't read all the posts, just didn't have it in me).

I am feeling a great need to burn calories today. Even took a walk after lunch despite running and a little walking this morning. I'm not doing good. I am burning more calories exercising than I can eat, considering I don't binge. I tend to eat normally, maybe a bit healthier than some people, not as healthy as others and don't count the calories anyway. And considering we have no money, now I almost never eat out.

Stupid ED is screaming I should walk AGAIN, but this time I am not. I have been around the block so many times today, it is a wonder I have not been reported to the police. I have no idea what the neighbors think, if I'm hyperactive, training for a marathon (I usually warm up going around the block a bit). The walking, I don't know. I haven't had that compulsion in awhile, and since a lot of the houses down this road are rentals or owned by elderly people moving out, the neighbors change quite a bit.

[katydid777]

I had a haven't eaten yet today, I did have a glass of v-8. I am getting a little hungry, so I guess I will make a some left overs.

[shovelhead]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

Sure, you can PM me. I don't remember the post, or maybe it was just timing (days when I couldn't read all the posts, just didn't have it in me).

I am feeling a great need to burn calories today. Even took a walk after lunch despite running and a little walking this morning. I'm not doing good. I am burning more calories exercising than I can eat, considering I don't binge. I tend to eat normally, maybe a bit healthier than some people, not as healthy as others and don't count the calories anyway. And considering we have no money, now I almost never eat out.

Stupid ED is screaming I should walk AGAIN, but this time I am not. I have been around the block so many times today, it is a wonder I have not been reported to the police. I have no idea what the neighbors think, if I'm hyperactive, training for a marathon (I usually warm up going around the block a bit). The walking, I don't know. I haven't had that compulsion in awhile, and since a lot of the houses down this road are rentals or owned by elderly people moving out, the neighbors change quite a bit.

Thanks, I will PM you! Right now I'm cleaning & cooking. I'm always super distracted & busy doing something. I can't concentrate too long, either. I'm the same way, burn-burn-burn. I never sit down for longer than 10 minutes. I have same thing as u, wondering about neighbors seeing me. I will jumprope outside at midnight. People sometimes drive by Have a great day

[shovelhead]

Originally Posted by katydid777

I had a haven't eaten yet today, I did have a glass of v-8. I am getting a little hungry, so I guess I will make a some left overs.

Thanks for reminding me. I should buy myself some V-8. They have different flavors now, don't they?

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by katydid777

I had a haven't eaten yet today, I did have a glass of v-8. I am getting a little hungry, so I guess I will make a some left overs.

You need to eat. It doesn't help your health issues not to eat, you know.

[SvanThor]

I'm fine for the time being and have eaten normally all week with no binging or purging, but now that finals are coming up like I mentioned before, things are going to get more crazy and I'm hoping I can keep things under control.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by SvanThor

I'm fine for the time being and have eaten normally all week with no binging or purging, but now that finals are coming up like I mentioned before, things are going to get more crazy and I'm hoping I can keep things under control.

Ugh. Finals were always hard for me in college. I don't know if you are a perfectionist or not but I was, at least when it came to grades, which made the finals even more stressful, and when I got in the higher level courses for my major, where you had more one-on-one time with the professor, I be freaked because these were the people I'd need to give me letters of recommendations to graduate school. A lot of the time, my ED got worse before finals, except the semester I graduated. I had re-gained weight. I am sure I still had the ED thoughts, but I am normal weight in all the pictures I have of my college graduation, so I must have stopped many of the ED rituals then.

Sorry, I don't remember exactly. that was 20 years ago. I graduated Dec. 2000 and am 40 years old now.

[Blueberrybook]

Too much exercise today.

ED jumping with joy.

[shovelhead]

Blueberry book, I just sent you PM to ask u about running, etc. So I'm a tad hungry but don't want to eat. What else is new? And I gotta start cooking again now, for someone else. I have to cook ALOT & I pretty much hate it. I don't like entering the stupid kitchen, at all.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by shovelhead

Blueberry book, I just sent you PM to ask u about running, etc. So I'm a tad hungry but don't want to eat. What else is new? And I gotta start cooking again now, for someone else. I have to cook ALOT & I pretty much hate it. I don't like entering the stupid kitchen, at all.

I hate cooking too. Loathe it. Some people with anorexia seem to like it, if they cook for others. Never me. I love my family, but when they are at work and school, lunch is one less meal I have to cook. It seems like mealtime is always coming around. I get so sick of it.

[shovelhead]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

I hate cooking too. Loathe it. Some people with anorexia seem to like it, if they cook for others. Never me. I love my family, but when they are at work and school, lunch is one less meal I have to cook. It seems like mealtime is always coming around. I get so sick of it.

I really did spend hours in the kitchen today. I loathe it, too. Absolute drudgery. It makes me hate food even more..

I had breakfast which was okay (bacon sandwich), then I had 2 chocolate bars and some potato chips- only 1 bag, which I suppose isn't too bad

but then at dinner I really let myself down- in sted of eating 8 yorkshire puddings like I usually do I had 14, which is almost double what I have- almost

[Blue_Bird]

I was restricting for awhile but I think I'm finally realizing I have to give up the ED. Every aspect of it. I can't hold onto certain parts that I feel like I can "keep under control"

[shovelhead]

Doing an extra set of jumprope cuz I ate extra food. I do not like high-restriction. Why am I doing it lately then? I don't know. I wish I knew exact calories of all my bites, here & there. I don't like eating a "meal". A large plate of food. No. Low calorie is easier. I still hate food it annoys me!

[shovelhead]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I was restricting for awhile but I think I'm finally realizing I have to give up the ED. Every aspect of it. I can't hold onto certain parts that I feel like I can "keep under control"

Blue_Bird, good luck to u in all your endeavors! Thank u so much for that word of wisdom, u wrote. In gonna use that, for my alcohol cravings. About control, u wrote

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I was restricting for awhile but I think I'm finally realizing I have to give up the ED. Every aspect of it. I can't hold onto certain parts that I feel like I can "keep under control"

That is awesome! You can do it!

[Blueberrybook]

Having trouble eating today, not sure why. Yesterday was the anniversary of a painful event, maybe stress, anxiety? I ran so much today. OMG, I'm exhausted. Then, I had to run a lot of errands - drugstore (daughter's OTC allergy medication), bank, animal clinic (cats needed more flea medication, that stuff is over $100 a box, and you only get 6 doses, but we have 3 cats, ugh!), grocery shopping, gas, pharmacy to pick up medication for H & me as they do not take our insurance at the drugstore with the only generic allergy medication my daughter will take.

Unloaded groceries, cats all wanted fed, ate half a fancy chocolate bar with nuts putting away groceries, a handful of grapes as I washed them, then chores, finally a shower. I felt gross. It got in the mid-60s here today, and I'd been going, going, going. Struggled eating soup at lunch, couldn't finish it. Guess on the positive side, I was able to skip my prn anxiety meds today - 2 mg clonazepam, 1 tablet of propranolol, low dose Seroquel, just take the gabapentin (that one is prescribed by the rheumatologist).

Worried I'm a bit manicky. Well, I've been mixed for ages (since late March at least), could finally be coming out of that. Hypomania I like, but the full-blown stuff, I hate.

IDK, some days I think I have a normal appetite (though normal, what is that exactly?), others I'm starving, and other days are like today. Try to eat, just not hungry. I'm exhausted too, but I have to pick up my daughter in an hour. She has practice for a math competition until 5:30 today. Then, it's homework & dinner & bath, all delayed because of her practice. I already feel ready for bed. Am drinking some coffee to perk up.

[Blueberrybook]

I ran less today, and the stupid ED thoughts won't shut up.

I tried to take a new avatar photo, but I am looking so gaunt in the face, it's horrible. I did not re-hydrate properly after running a ton yesterday and then a lot of errands on my feet. Though I didn't really feel like it, I went to the corner grocery store & got some Powerade. I am drinking it now and realizing I am very, very thirsty.

Blue_Bird, how are you doing?

[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

I ran less today, and the stupid ED thoughts won't shut up.


I tried to take a new avatar photo, but I am looking so gaunt in the face, it's horrible. I did not re-hydrate properly after running a ton yesterday and then a lot of errands on my feet. Though I didn't really feel like it, I went to the corner grocery store & got some Powerade. I am drinking it now and realizing I am very, very thirsty.


Blue_Bird, how are you doing?

I hope you're able to fight the ED thoughts

I'm doing okay. I feel like I'm constantly battling myself internally with the restricting thing. It took me hours to decide whether or not to drink a cup of coffee because I wanted to put a little bit of creamer in it and I was scared to do that. Part of me wants to recover, part of me wants to lose, lose, and lose more. I feel like if I give in once I'm "losing control". I did eat today, probably not as much as I should but at least I'm eating somewhat normal. I went grocery shopping and got some healthy stuff. Stopped and looked at the bakery section for maybe 2 seconds then walked on. It would just end up in a binge/purge, so I resisted the temptation

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I hope you're able to fight the ED thoughts

I'm doing okay. I feel like I'm constantly battling myself internally with the restricting thing. It took me hours to decide whether or not to drink a cup of coffee because I wanted to put a little bit of creamer in it and I was scared to do that. Part of me wants to recover, part of me wants to lose, lose, and lose more. I feel like if I give in once I'm "losing control". I did eat today, probably not as much as I should but at least I'm eating somewhat normal. I went grocery shopping and got some healthy stuff. Stopped and looked at the bakery section for maybe 2 seconds then walked on. It would just end up in a binge/purge, so I resisted the temptation

The coffee thing is still major ED thinking. Coffee with creamer is nothing. IDK, it used to be with my ED, I’d set a goal, reach it, set a lower goal, reach it, set an even lower goal, reach it, etc., etc. Nothing was low enough. Now I am trying to maintain, but it is at a low weight for my height.

I can’t remember...In actuality, according to actual BMI or what your doctor says, not what you or your ED think, are you overweight, underweight, or normal weight for your height? Not to pry, and you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.

I don’t know why I don’t want to gain. I’d tell any other person in my situation to stop exercising, eat more, and gain weight. Although I actually do eat pretty normally, I just exercise so much, it is hard to make up the calorie deficit on a normal diet, even eating things like pie or cake or chocolate most days.

I hate losing control too. That is what my life feels like right now, spiraling out of control, especially this past year...stupid EDs

[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

The coffee thing is still major ED thinking. Coffee with creamer is nothing. IDK, it used to be with my ED, I’d set a goal, reach it, set a lower goal, reach it, set an even lower goal, reach it, etc., etc. Nothing was low enough. Now I am trying to maintain, but it is at a low weight for my height.



I can’t remember...In actuality, according to actual BMI or what your doctor says, not what you or your ED think, are you overweight, underweight, or normal weight for your height? Not to pry, and you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.


I don’t know why I don’t want to gain. I’d tell any other person in my situation to stop exercising, eat more, and gain weight. Although I actually do eat pretty normally, I just exercise so much, it is hard to make up the calorie deficit on a normal diet, even eating things like pie or cake or chocolate most days.


I hate losing control too. That is what my life feels like right now, spiraling out of control, especially this past year...stupid EDs

I'm normal weight. I spent a couple years obese. My typical weight before I got on antipsychotics was on the low end or just below the mark of underweight. When I got off the antipsychotic I lost a massive amount of weight, now I'm in the normal bmi range for my height. Although I still feel like it's very high and that I'm huge. I've been trying to get back to my weight from before I got on the APs.

[shovelhead]

Intermittent fasting. On hour 15. I like to go 16 hours. But the more tasks I'm doing around the house really kick starts my appetite. I don't want to enter kitchen anyways. I'm scrubbing pans by hand that dishwasher didn't clean. I hate food, kitchens, anything to do with crap I don't care about. Thank goodness there's leftovers for my OH and I don't have to cook him a giant meal! Yay to that!