[skyrocket123]

I haven't admitted this to anyone before but I want your honest opinions on it please.
I split with my husband last year because I found out he was cheating. I knew something was wrong and had been eating like mad because I felt low.
When we split I decided to lose the weight. I lost 3 and a half stone to now.
Now I weigh 111 pounds and am 5ft6 just so you get an idea of my body size etc.
I am still doing slim fast and for my dinner I eat a stir fry as lean as I can get with brown rice, although it's usually just the veg and meat I eat. I weigh myself every day. If I happen to eat anything fattening I feel massive almost as soon as I have eaten it and the next day I feel huge. I regularly take diuretics to lose excess water or I feel bloated. I have started checking my BMI a lot online and realised today that I felt really dissappointed that it only came up as 18.2. I wanted it to be lower and played around with the figures to see how much more I need to lose. I am having a boob job in 7 weeks time as I have practically no breasts (32a) now that I lost weight. I don't really see myself as looking any different to before I started.
Do you think I have an eating disorder?
The scary thing is that even if I do, I don't feel like I'm ready to stop just yet.
I don't know what to do.
Help!

[Amie2]

Hi Sky,

It sure sounds like to me that you have an eating disorder. Checking your weight all the time and feeling massive after eating. And the fact that you are not ready to stop also says something. If I were you I would go see your doctor. If need be, he or she could refer you to an eating disorder specialist. I am 5'4 and I weigh probably the same as you and my current weight is not considered good just passable I think. Keep posting here and hopefully you will get some support. Try to focus on the healthy changes that you can make as a result, so in other words try not to adopt even worse habits. Eating disorders are not fun.

Amie

if your whole thoughts each day surround losing weight when you are already an average weight. When it becomes a game to get lower, these arent healthy thoughts. Can you reach out to a parent, therapist, or friend for help?

[Perna]

I think you should see a therapist. If you lose too much weight you won't be in good shape to get your boob job in 7 weeks. I think you have issues from your husband leaving you and you should talk to a therapist about that instead of taking it out on your body. Bodies are resilient but trust me, at 57, there comes a time they can't take anymore. The better we treat them the longer they last for us.

[skyrocket123]

The problem for me is I am a therapist.
I know the course of action that should be taken but I don't feel even remotely ready to take that course of action.
Since I started losing weight it was always 'I need to just get down to such and such weight' then when I did I moved the goal post.
I have dealt with what happened with my husband.
He would like to come back, it's me that says no.
Esther - do you think I am an average weight?
My immediate reaction to reading that was one of disgust, and I don't mean that against you, that my weight is average. I thought, 'Right I definitely need to lose more weight then if I am only average now'.

[Perna]

I was 5'6" and weighed 127 no matter what I ate. I had no fat on my body at all (sank doing dead man's float). Others, and other people's thoughts in the aggregate are often a good indication of what the reality is, after I gained weight, told me I had been too skinny.

If you are a therapist and question, feel you know the course of action that needs to be taken but don't wish to take it, etc., then I definately think you should be seeing another therapist before you compromise your physical health?

i apologize. I didnt even know your weight when i commented. I meant in general... (speaking of all people). I'm sorry if that triggered you. Its okay to be a helper who needs help also. (speaking of being a therapist). In fact, I think it makes you a better one if you can be open and find something deeper through the experience.

[skyrocket123]

Hi all
Sorry i wrote a big reply before but it doesnt seem to have appeared!
I binged on rubbish tonight. No idea why I was doing it! Then i tried to make myself sick. I couldnt even get that bit right!
I suppose I feel if I go and see a colleague professionally then I'm only wasting everyones time because I know I don't feel ready to stop this, whatever it is that 'this' is!
I suppose I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
My first post yesterday was the first time I had admitted I think I might have a problem. But I also know I don't feel ready to stop and I know if I get help then that is what they will expect me to do.
Esther, please don't apologise! I know you didnt mean anything by it, I suppose it just shows me how warped my mind is becoming if I get stressed that I am considered of 'normal' weight! It's like 'what is it I actually want?' Do I want to be ok or do I want to be thin?
At the moment I don't know!
I think if I tell people I know in 'real life' it will only drive me further underground with this.
Sorry to go on like this!
You must all be screaming at your screens at me!
I feel really fat and disgusting now I ate all that chocolate!

[DePressMe]

skyrocket, I am not a doctor, but I think many would consider you to be underweight. I have struggled with eating disorders since I was a kid. I understand being obsessed with the numbers, calories and such. I hope that this post is a first step in your healing process...I hope you have decided you need to take action before this gets too much more out of hand. I usually try not to give advice but, therapist or not, I think you really need to see a professional to talk about this.

skyrocket, most professionals wont try to get you to stop. im sure you know, that an ed is not about the food, so its that stuff underneath that you will focus on. My T has never once asked me about my eating habits in several years of working with her.