Set back

It's discouraging. Last week, I thought I was finally ready to start working more seriously on this, but now I know that I"m just not ready. Not nearly ready. All I feel is fat, and all I want is to see the needle on the scale go down until I finally know where it has to be for me to stop feeling this way.

Yes, I know. It's not real. It's just the sickness. It is so hard. I see the doctor in a few days. I haven't lost much since my last visit, but I know that he's planning to talk about it at this one. I wish there were some way to work on this without having to think about gaining weight -- let alone gaining it for real. I'm afraid he's going to prescribe a drug to make me gain, but I'm also afraid he's not going to think that it's serious enough to make it a priority.

The worst part of it is that the trigger is something that I don't understand. I found out I was right about something, after a long time being told I was wrong. Why would that upset me so much that I feel as if I have to eat less? Why doesn't that make me feel as if I can finally relax?

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling like things are slipping back.

One of the things that I have found really helps me is to realize that it's not about the food, and it's not about what you weigh. There is some other emotion hiding behind the food and weight stuff. It's been useful for me to keep asking myself, "what am I really feeling?" Although I will admit, sometimes it's pretty painful, too. So be ready for all kinds of emotions to come out...they've been hiding inside for a long time. But I have found that once those emotions see the light of day, the ED behavior becomes less compelling.

I read what you said about what had triggered this behavior showing up again. And I wonder if maybe finding out you were right about that one thing has given power to some of the distorted thoughts that the ED produces. Like, "I was right about that thing, so maybe I really *am* fat." I don't know...that's just a guess. You didn't say what it was you had been proven right about. But if it is something traumatic, then it's also possible that just knowing that it is true has triggered the ED as a way of coping with the trauma.

*hugs*
mj

Thank you, MJ. It is a traumatic situation, and when I feel a bit more communicative, I'd like to PM you about the general outline, since it's related to all this in a very integral way. Your comments have helped a lot, and I can sense what's behind it -- you're right about that -- but it's just out of reach.

And the scale said I was two pounds heavier today, which has made it so much worse. Now I find myself thinking about what I'll be able to cut out of my meals today, to get back down. I know that's WRONG, but it's so deeply THERE for me right now.

Ugh. Thank you for your support. If you don't want a PM, let me know and I won't send one.

Genevieve,

I am more than happy to PM with you. And I know it doesn't feel this way right now, so I will remind you...those two pounds are good things. They put you two pounds closer to a healthy weight. Don't beat yourself up that you can't feel that right now...that's what all these disorders, ED, depression, personality disorders, do to us. They make us see things through distorted glasses. And that's what is great about places like this. We all can understand, so we'll just keep reminding you as long as we need to until it sinks in.

*hugs*
mj