[wishfulmuscle]

i've come to the conclusion that i binge because i hate myself.

i dont like anything about myself when i feel down, and i just want to destroy myself.

when i feel like a gross pig, thats when i decide that i'll kill myself if my stomache doesnt shrink back down-that's when i purge.

honestly, i hate muscle at the moment. i weigh more bc of muscle. my scale says FAT. i hate myself. i hate myself. i hate myself. practically overweight.

shoot me. sorry for the rant. just so upset i dont want to live right now

(((((((((((((((((((((((((( wishfulmuscle ))))))))))))))))))))))))))

As much as it hurts - and I know it hurts a LOT - I really believe that getting to the "why" of our eating disorders is a step towards healing.

It was so weird to read your post, because last week, I was just where you are. I gave up my eating d/o about a month ago. The first 2 or 3 weeks went surprisingly well - I had found a new, healthy way to eat, and was feeling pretty good. But then the feelings started - the self-loathing, the feeling that there is something wrong with me, I'll never be good enough, no one could ever really love me. And there was nothing to do with them, without the eating d/o to fall back on, and I really wasn't sure if I wanted to live or die. It was SUCH a dark, awful place. I ended up relapsing for a few days.

I've seen T twice since then, and I'm trying to look at the relapse as a learning experience instead of a big failure, and starting today, I'm trying again. I know the feelings will come back, but I'm going to try to be ready for them this time, and T promised he will help me through it.

I guess what I'm saying is......I understand exactly how you're feeling. And I'm sorry it's so hard. It's so, SO hard.

Do you have a T??

One thing that helped me was to just let myself feel bad, WITHOUT beating myself up for feeling bad. I hate myself, and then I hate myself for hating myself, and it just gets all piled up and feels worse and worse. So, I just let myself think/feel "I really hate myself right now" and stopped it there. Weirdly, it helped take away the desperate quality of the bad feelings. I still felt bad - just not as totally desperately bad.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((( wishfulmuscle )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Please don't give up.

[marcelodlanod]

Have you heard the song..'big girl you are beautiful ..' You should hear it, become healthy, ...and be above the influence, dont let that anyone tells you what is atractive, how your shape must be...., not even yourself...

[Kiya]

((((((((((((wishful))))))))))))))
i wish i could take words and erace those things about you that you hate. i know words can't =( but if they did i'd tell you that you are a good person, deserve to live, in what ever body you have and that you are a very supportive person that I think highly of.
that's the truth.
kiya

[wishfulmuscle]

thank you for the replies..

yes i have a T, i just started seeing her last week. Im glad because i'm very sick of feeling crappy..

i just want to be thin. Not super muscular..not curvy.. just thin