Realization

I hate myself.
I hate who i am, what i've become, and the future doesn't look much different.
People think i'm all these nice things, but i'm not.
I should be happy
I shouldn't be this miserable
I have awesome friends ... but i don't deserve them.
I have no sweet clue who i am.
I miss people that i've probably scared off.
I don't believe when they say that they think of me or miss me.
What kind of person doesn't believe them when their the most important people to you?
I think about things far too much.
I'm incompetent.
I am a LIAR. I lie to myself.
Idiot
horrible person
Failure
Pure hatred toways myself.



Im sorry. This doesn't make any sense. Although i guess i wasn't expecting it to.

(((((((((((((Jacq)))))))))))))))

As your friend, even if it's only online -

* Don't hate yourself. Try, very hard. You are only good things, trust an outsider's perspective on this.
* You are plenty of nice things, you've told me I am countless times, it only makes sense that it also is the same for you.
* Don't should yourself. You are what you are, you might not like it but take it from a friend, shoulding yourself only makes things worse (remind me of that when I whine and complain, okay?)
* I'm sorry you're miserable, if I can help at all, let me know. I mean that.
* You have awesome friends because you are a FANTABULOUS friend. (BTW, that is a a billion times better than awesome) You attract good people as friends because you give us so much
* I don't know who I am either, if thats any consolation. I know it isn't, but I'll help you in any way if it helps you find out who you are
* I don't believe the nice things people say about me either ... it's hard, really hard. Who believes something that goes against what we feel/think about ourselves? Its hard, but when someone says something nice - try to not deny it outright. I'll try too.
* You think things through, thats something I like about you, you're very thoughtful.
* How are you incompetent?
* What do you lie to yourself about? I think everyone lies to themselves ... I know I do a lot, it can help sometimes.
* Are not an idiot. You're a smart cookie.
* How are you horrible? I can honestly say you are one of the most wonderful, thoughtful, funny, studious, briliant people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting.

I'm sorry, don't take my rebuttals the wrong way but I didn't know how to help. I could have honestly made this post myself. I may not know how you feel, and all that you're going through right now but I can understand some of the stuff. It hurts, it sucks, and I'll bet it probably feels like it won't ever get better...

It will. If I have bother you constantly and tell absolutely horribly corny jokes to cheer you up - I'll do it. (You know my ridiculous sense of humour...)

All seriousness aside, if there's absolutely anything I can do to help - let me know. Even if there's nothing I can do to help, give me a holler just to chat. I mean it, I'm going to keep extending that invitation to you.

Try to be good to yourself my lovely friend.

(((((jacq))))))

((((((((((((((((((jacq)))))))))))))))))))))) I hope you can start to see the person you really are. I am sorry that you are feeling so bad right now.

BB

Jaxcq! I hope people don't put me up on a peddlestool and think I'm nice...coz I'm human and sometimes I'm not very nice...sometimes I;m the best friend in the world...others I'm withdrawn and more interested in myself then anyone else...sometimes life becomes a gift and others a sentence.....sometimes I lie to me or others and others I don't...sometimes I want to hurt someone...sometimes I want to hurt me....sometimes I want to be everything that a humanbeing couldnt' possibly be all of the time...sometimes I just watch the illness in my head and just let it sit with me...sometimes I fight it and try to change it...change me...and then tomorrow comes and I start all over again...

(((((((jacq)))))))) It's the depression talking. I hope you feel better soon and can realize what a good person and good friend you are to others. You certainly help me a lot. Let me know if there's anything I can do for you.

Love, Candy

I really don't know what to say to any of that. This is exactly the kind of thing that i Don't deserve .. all of you people being so nice and understanding whilst I just sit here and complain.

Thank you though. If that means anything ...

((((((((((((((((((((((((((Christina, meander, bipolar_bear, mouse, & Candy ))))))))))))))))))))))

I wish i could say that i felt diferently than i did when i made the post, but i don't . I think i'm going to go to walk in on Wednesday and see about talking to someone since my T is gone.

Want me to bother you tonight? I don't mind... we can have a 'nice' chat. ***** and moan about life ... could do some good. You definetely deserve niceness and understanding woman, you give it back tenfold, you really do.

Go see if you can see someone, I know its hard to deal without one, especially during the summer when everything is so different and unstructured and people go away... all that sorts of stuff.

(((((((((((((Jacq))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((( jacq )))))))))))))))

You're always so good to me and you're a lovely person (sorry I'm so quiet lately.... )

xo Fuzzy

(((((((((((((((((Christina & Fuzzy))))))))))))))))))))))

Am killing time in the Library before i go to walk-in ... soo scared. I feel stupid for even being here .. if i were them, i'd laugh in my face.

You deserve to get the help you need!

You do deserve to get help, it sounds like depression is lying to you (((((((((((((((( jacq )))))))))))))))

Thanks guys ... ((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

It actually wasn't SO bad. The person who was there was a guy (first time i've ever seen a guy) and so it was different ... but good i think. He was really sweet. Don't know if it really did much good ... or if i'll be going back anytime soon, but i guess it was good to go and just talk a little bit. He reminded me so much of my father(figure) from school though. Cant decide whether that helped or not, as i miss him now, but at least he didn't laugh in my face.

Thinking of you.... ((((((((((((((((( jacq )))))))))))))))))

Thank you (((((((((((Fuzzy)))))))))))))


ps sorry everyone for not being around much lately

"Jacq"

I thought I was the one; the only one who thought like that. Sorry to hear there's more. I totally understand your every thought. Realization yes, now what do we do with it? I been fighting these for years, on top of the rage that runs thru my body and soul is uncontrolable at times. Why?

I do hate myself.

I do hate what I've said to others.

I do hate that my family won't pick up a book to try to understand me.

I do hate I've lost my friends.

Lastly I've lost me...

Realization; such a scary thing to admit who you really are or what you think your are.
Communication is the only way I know to get out, but I'm not there.

Jacq, is who we are good enough? Or are me made to conform to what everyone wants/needs?

Lost......................