Realization...

I just got a new therapist, and he gave me a lengthy questionaire thing to fill out. One of the sections talks about my reltionship.

The questions are -
"In what ways are you compatible" and
"In what ways are you incompatible"

Wow. I have the whole empty space filled in for the incompatible part. I can't think of anything for compatible.

Yikes. That's not good.

But then just last night - we were over looking at that land we just bought staking out where we wanted to position the house that we are building. What the...??!!

Some days we are okay. But some days, I have a really hard time remembering why in the heck I ever married him in the first place.

Maybe I just expect too much out of marriage. Someone did point this out to me - I have no friends, no girlfriends, and I'm not very close with my sisters or my mom. So I don't have anyone I can just go "talk" to like a woman to woman thing. So I dump all my crap on him, instead. Men don't want to hear women's problems like that. Maybe if I had some women friends I could talk to, then I wouldn't bug him with all my stupid issues. I dunno. Too bad I'm extremely social phobic and have a really hard time making (real-life) friends...

i am the same way with my wife

i couldnt list anything compatible really either

i dont have any friends and have social anxiety

your not alone...

But you do have women friends. You just can't see us.

Razzleberry

I have women friends in real life, but I'm homebound and disabled and they are very busy with their lives. I have found it beneficial to have women friends online. It takes the pressure off my husband, even though he's pretty good at dealing with "female emotions" (he tries very hard to understand).

All in all, I don't think men are wired to understand the turmoil of our female brains/bodies. I also don't think women are wired to understand the turmoil that go on inside male brains/bodies. However, I'm amazed at the compassion and understanding I've seen in homosexuals. I used to spend hours on the phone with a male friend of mine - talking about men. He was a very nice "girlfriend" when I needed a sounding board. But, husbands don't make very nice "girlfriends."

It helps to get things off my chest with other women. Sometimes they give me good advice, sometimes they reassure me that I'm not alone, and sometimes they smack me upside the head, lol. The input from others gives me a better understanding of my problem. They don't seem to mind talking about these things. As a result, I don't appear so "needy" to my husband. We can focus more on our life together and the things he IS able to discuss and fix in my life.

My husband and I have an agreement. If he sees me sulking or upset in any way about something on my mind, he'll ask: "Is it something I did or does it have to do with me?" Most times it doesn't concern him, so it lets him off the hook. If it does have to do with him, he's not so quick to blow it off as a "woman thing" (relating to hormones and emotion) or blame it on me.

I hope this post helps you to "exhale." (Whitney Houston reference)

I just recently got a female friend in person. I have many here though I think at least. yes it does help to have them in person as well.

Like Brian37, I don't have much in my "compatible" column with my (now) ex either, that's why she says we broke up although I disagree. Can't help you with the woman to woman thing but I can offer a guys perspective if you need it. I'm a good listener and they say I clean up pretty good LMAO!

I'm glad you've found a new therapist Razz. I hope it's working for you.

"Compatability" is not the only thing that makes a good relationship. And even better, it's something that can be built up. You can build it through new hobbies, deep conversations, or regular "hanging out," not a date, but just being friends with each other.

My husband proposed over AIM. (Seriously.) I asked him why I should marry him when we disagree about almost everything, and he said, "Because I love you, and I'll take care of you, and I'll treat you well. And I'm not going to stop asking till you say yes." It's been hard, since we have very different backgrounds and views and even moral standards, but we don't love each other any less, and we don't try to hurt each other. Our "compatibility" has grown considerably as we learn and change together, without either of us sacrificing what we hold as important.

That doesn't mean neither of us ever wondered if we made a mistake, but we both want it work, and that makes a huge difference.

Perhaps the question to ask is not, "Are we compatible?" but rather "Do we both want this to work?"

Razzleberry

I hope this isn't overly blunt, but why did you marry him? I assume it was because you loved him. Maybe if you take yourself back to that time, you will remember what made the two of you compatible and what made you fall in love with him.

As a little girl, I observed my Danish grandmother watching my Danish grandfather speak to me in English. She didn't speak English. I could see so much love in her eyes for my grandfather - even though she had no clue what he was saying. I thought to myself "I want to love someone that much when I grow up."

I was compatible with my ex-husband and our love was strong, but our marriage wasn't compatible. We married each other only because people were accusing us of "living in sin" or trying to make me believe my ex didn't love me. So, I pushed him to show his love for me by marrying me. Needless to say, it didn't work. He acted as though I had tied a short leash around his neck.

Following that marriage, I developed a close friendship with a male friend. He struck it rich and asked me to move to California and marry him. When I told him no, he said I could learn to love him because he would provide me with everything I've ever dreamed of and could do anything I wanted.

People thought I was absolutely crazy for turning him down. Under pressure, I finally obliged - but then realized what I always wanted in a marriage was "passion." I pictured myself surrounded by unbelievable beauty and luxury, but hopelessly sad. I turned him down after hearing the song by Phil Collins "Groovy Kind of Love." I told him I'd rather live alone than live without passion.

I met my husband several months later. As much as I was attracted to him, I held off on the intimacy aspect because I didn't want to confuse sex with love. It scared me a little when I realized how much I loved and desired him, despite our lack of intimacy. When I finally caved in and gave him my heart, I found the passion I had been searching for all my life.

We've been together now for almost 20 years, and the passion remains strong. We fight with passion, and we love with passion. When he enters the room, I still feel like a schoolgirl with a major crush on him - the sight of him makes my heart smile.

I wasn't expecting him to lose his job and health insurance, and I wasn't expecting myself to become permanently and totally disabled. We are in financial straits now and our home is crumbling down around us, but I've never regretted my decision to marry him. I'd live in the gutter with him if I have to.

I guess it all boils down to what you want in a marriage. I hope you'll be able to work this out with your husband in a way that gives you peace of mind.

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KathyM said:

I hope this isn't overly blunt, but why did you marry him?

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Honest answer? I was pregnant. I was 24 years old, we had been together for nearly 5 years. It just seemed like the "right thing to do". It's not like he got me knocked up the first date or at age 16 - we'd been together so long, it just seemed like we should make it official for our daugther's sake.

Longer answer? Yeah, I thought I loved him. I wanted to marry him 3 years earlier, but he wouldn't. Of course that hurt. Every time an anniversary or holiday or special thing rolled around, I kept getting my hopes up that he'd propose. Every time he got me earrings or anything in a tiny box...a little moment of anticipation, but then utter disappointment. I don't know why he never wanted to. I always took it to mean he didn't love me enough. Or maybe he was worried about the money (I was deep in debt from college & stupidity with credit cards). He had been a bachelor for so long (he's 10 years older than me) I think he just wanted to keep it that way. I don't know. I've flat-out asked him why, and he never really told me.

I think part of why I stuck with him so long is that I was afraid of being alone. He is the ONLY man who ever really asked me out. Seriously. I went on one date in high school - girl's choice to a Christmas dance. I met him when I was 19. Men just never looked at me. I was really shy, quiet, nerdy. There was one guy my freshman year of college that kept sitting next to me in all our classes - I thought maybe there was something - but I later found out he only wanted to sit next to me because I was smart and he wanted to cheat off my tests and have me help with homework!! So...needless to say...my husband is really the only man who ever seemed to give a damn about me.

But yeah...our relationship wasn't spectactular even before we got married. I was actually half-planning on leaving him. I had been looking for jobs, since we worked at the same company. We still lived together but rarely even saw each other - he worked two jobs, I worked full time plus I was back in school. The reason I got pregnant was actually because of all that....he hadn't touched me in so long that I kinda let my birth control prescription slide. What's the point of taking pills when we weren't ever doing...that...right?

But he's a good man. He would never hurt me. He's an amazing father. We get along - civilly. Just not in love anymore. Haven't been for a while - even before we got married. We live almost like roomates. Or, I'm the maid and the cook, he's the babysitter. It just doesn't feel like a marriage sometimes. But I dunno...maybe I just expect too much.

What Kathy said about "that look" that you can just tell two people are in love, even if they don't say it? Well...it's been years since he's given me "that look."

I blame a lot of it on myself. I know sometimes I get extremely moody and I can be hard to live with. I go back and look at old photo albums, just to see what went wrong....and in the pictures, it's pretty clear to me. I got fat. Very fast. I went from 150 down to 110 pounds then up to 220 pounds all in about 4 years. So fast that I have stretch marks...everywhere. It's no wonder he's not attracted to me anymore.

But then I keep going back to this photo I have of us from 2001 - my "motivation" photo for weight loss. That pic was taken on our first vacation together. I went on a crash diet just before that so I could look decent in a swimsuit. I got down to 110 pounds. Size 6! I was smaller then - 20 years old - than I was in junior high. We got tan on the beach. I have that pic of me that looks pretty dang good. But then I remember that vacation. Even back then....he never wanted to be with me. He was more excited about the midnight buffet and the late-night comedy crap on the cruise...than he was in coming back to the room with me. So...I don't know what his deal is.

But then, the funny thing is, just this week, he has done a few really amazing things that kind of make me sit back and go, ok, wow. Maybe he does still love me. Or at least he's a nice guy.

I had an incident with my car the other day - and he really went out of his way to get it all fixed for me, on his own, so I didn't have to do anything. That really helped. I've been so stressed with work, and that really just helped me so much.

Then the past few nights, our daughter has been waking up a lot during the night. I'm sleep-deprived as it is - getting up at 5 AM to get to work lately. He has got up with her every time, he just lets me sleep. He even made me breakfast the other day since he was still up with her when I was leaving.

So, see....every now and then, we do have our good moments. And overall it really isn't so bad. I probably shouldn't complain so much, I know there are marriages that are 10000 times worse than this one. He is never abusive at all. He is a good father. He's responsible. Really, the only thing missing is the love. He just doesn't show his love very much, and I always take that to mean it isn't there. Or maybe he does show it, but I just don't see it.

But then again....it all goes back to my birthday. And valentine's day. And our anniversary. All three days - he did NOTHING for me. Nothing. I think I got one card, that he just signed his name in - not even a little note from him. How do I NOT take that personally???

I don't know anymore. Sometimes, I do really want to make it work. Especially for our daughter. And I even want another baby soon. I see my little girl playing with her dolls, or with the 5-month-old at her daycare, and my heart just aches for her to have a little brother or sister to grow up with. We are planning to build a house this summer. He's talking about taking our kids on a disney cruise when the second one - who isn't even an egg yet - is old enough to go. So in some ways I do think he wants this, he's thinking of a future with me.

But then I think...is this really all I'll ever get? Is this the best I'll ever have? Live the rest of my life in a sexless marriage where he never says he loves me, he never gets me any gifts or anything. I'll never have a man propose to me. Never know what it's like for someone to actually WANT to marry me. I'll never have someone to tell me that they love me, no matter what, no matter how fat I get they'd still love me for me and help me get healthy.

Ugh...maybe I've just watched too many sappy chic flics. Or maybe I've watched Shrek a few too many times. Life is not a fairy tale...I just need to be happy for what I have and quit complaining. Maybe if I can get out of this stupid depression, or whatever the heck it is I have...then maybe I'd be a little easier for him to love.

My wife has said the same thing about me. She too has gain weight over the 10 yrs of our marriage and felt that she was fat and ugly and unwanted and unloved and unappreciated and fat and fat and fat. She wants to know what is going on in my head, why I don't talk to her, why I don't express how I feel, why I don't call her beautiful. She wants to know what is it that she did wrong. At least tell her something so she knows something.
I had no answer really. I searched my head, heart and spirit. I have failed when it came to birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, Mother's Day and Valentine's. Gifts, presents, thoughtful things like that on those day, nope...I screwed them up. But like your husband, there were those moments when it seemed like a dream. I was cooking her breakfast, lunch, dinner. I let her sleep and took care of the kids. I paid the bills, delt with creditors when she normally did. Cleaned the kitchen, washed clothes, and other little things. It was not to be nice, it was because I love her. We don't, and will never always get it right, but when we do, jump on it. Receive it and hold on to it. Encourage him when he does and maybe, just maybe he will say it. That positive reinforcement that they talk about in psychology. I don't know him, but for a man to do all of that for his wife, there is love there, despite the absence of words and sometimes deeds. We are odd that way for some reason. Smile today please. You can do it.....stay golden

It sure isn't like those chick flicks.

My ex refused to buy me chocolate on Valentine's Day because he said chocolate was fattening. I didn't even have a weight problem! Some men don't know how to show their love.

When I started dating again after my divorce, I got really sick of men. It seemed like they all only wanted one thing. Worse yet, having a child made it that much harder. Not only did I want to find someone compatible with me, I needed someone who could be compatible with my son. I needed to know my son would be safe. I wasn't about to sacrifice my child for ANY man.

I had some really dark years there. My best friend (since we were toddlers) was diagnosed with 4th stage cancer (Hodgkin's disease). Three months after her death, my father was diagnosed with lung cancer, and mom's health was poor too. I was their sole caregiver.

I kept dreaming of a better life, one with a good companion to share my life with. I felt like I was all alone and living in Hell.

I was talking with my best friend's sister one day, and to my surprise she told me my best friend was very envious of me. For the life of me, I couldn't understand why. She said "because you have a good job, a beautiful apartment, and a great kid - because you have it all."

It changed my perspective about life. No one is guaranteed they will find their "soul mate" or love of their life. MANY don't. I looked at my life and realized it WAS pretty good. At that point, I gave up on men altogether and began enjoying my life - until my husband came along and spoiled it all.

You really don't have it that bad. He may not be the love of your life, but he sounds like a best friend to you. Maybe if you started treating him like a best friend, he'll start to view you that way. Men care a lot about their best friends, and don't like to let them down. When he realizes intimacy is important to his "best friend," maybe he'll be a little more attentive - maybe not.

Ummmm, just don't go the route of a friend of mine. She tried to make her husband jealous by sending herself flowers with a romantic note. She thought it would spark up her marriage. Instead, she got a call while she was at work from her neighbor saying her husband was tearing apart the garbage at the curb looking for the name of the florist. He then went to the florist and demanded to know who sent the flowers. Boy was SHE embarrassed!

Some people are really really bed at expressing themselves. My mom and dad had a somewhat rocky start to their marriage, because my dad was a lot like your husband. He thought that by taking care of the bills, providing for the family, and occasionally taking care of something that my mom just couldn't deal with at the moment, he was expressing his love. That was his language. He was in his late thirties. sex wasn't that important to him, and romance utterly failed him. It wasn't until some years later that he began to get the idea of what my mom wanted.

I once heard someone say that the hardest thing to learn about love was that each person only has their own kind of love to give. That doesn't mean he can't learn. He just needs some help to see the way.

In this house its the other way around hubby is romantic and I am not, I really find all that stuff so boring I like the idea that he takes care of problems and the bills are nothing to do with me in return I try to make life nice for him here and offer ... on a plate but its not enough ! He still gets me flowers in the hope that I will oooo and ahhhh over them so I try but he knows I am faking it and gets annoyed........

Hahaha...cute story.

So true though...very good post.