A realization

It's sad when you no longer have the energy to care...

To care about yourself ... to eat, to sleep, to try and stay afloat emotionally... I'm numb. I can't be happy. I can't be sad. I can't be anything ... I am nothing. I am unimportant. I am worthless.

It's sad because I know I'm hurting everyone around me and I just can't snap out of it for long enough. I'm so tired that I can't cry. I can't do anything. All I want to do is stay in bed and ... yeah.

I'm sorry to all my friends here, I'm not the same person I used to be. I used to be a better person ... now I'm not. I just am NOT doing what I want. I want to be able to help. I just feel so useless and helpless.

And T's gone for two weeks and then last session ever.

I think I want to go be self-centred and sulk now.

I'm sorry for being me.

(((Hugs))) You are talking about several different things and lumping them together and making yourself feel worse. to eat, sleep,... ok try and stay afloat emotionally, being numb (can't be happy, sad) ok then you take those things that you are sensing and making these erroneous conclusions: that you can't be anything you're nothing and worthless. Nope sorry. Depression tells us lies remember?

I believe you when you say you are struggling with energy to physically take care of yourself.
I believe you are feeling numb emotionally and perhaps that way you are coping.
But I won't take the summation of you being worthless etc. Because you are worthwhile... maybe right now you aren't able to do much or help or support or even feel for another... but that doesn't make you worthless, that just makes you really overwhelmed imo.

T going away and looking at ending therapy can't be depressing, I agree.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I think I want to go be self-centred and sulk now.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> You are allowed to do this, but it isn't in your best interest to do this.

When I'm depressed it's often when I am focusing totally on me and what is going on with me and feeling like I have no control over it all. Once I "go numb" and allow what is going on to just happen, and try and focus on outside and other things, then the depression begins to lift some. Even when I don't feel like giving support to another, I try hard and one thing leads to another and another and before I know it I'm no longer going down the depressive spiral, but up.

Take some time for yourself, and then try to work on one thing that needs to be done and get it done if at all possible...it will help you.

Well said Sky...

(((((((((((((((Christina)))))))))))))) .. my friend, I wish so much that you wouldn't be so hard on yourself. I know that sometimes life can throw so much at you, and at times it seems like everything is unbearable ... everything is just one step too far ... just out of reach. But it is times like this that make us stronger ... it may not seem like it, or feel like it ... but once you get past this (and i know you will) you will be able to look back at yourself, and see how much you have grown because of your struggles. Just because you are stuggling right now doesn't mean that you are a bad person, or worthless ... and it also does not take away from the fact that you ARE a strong and beautiful person.

I've said it before and i'll say it again ... you were my first true friend on here ... you made me feel welcome, you made me feel like i was worth it, and that people accepted me here. It was YOU that made me want to stick around, and it was you that inspired me to want to help myself, and other people. And you know what ... just because things have been harder now .. it doesn't take away from ANY of that. And i know, i KNOW that you can get through this. You are so good at what you do .. you help people in so many ways, and i know that if i ever needed to talk that you would be there for me.

Take things slow ... make an attainable list of things that you want to have accomplished. Start off simple, make sure you eat properly, sleep enough .. you have to be able to take care of yourself before you can begin to try and help other people. I know it seems like you've been feeling like this for a while ... but there is no time frame for things like this. Theres no limit to how long its going to take for you to feel better, for you to feel like yourself again ... all you can do is take one thing at a time, one day at a time. Once you are able to take care of the biological matters, then you can focus more on the emotional aspect of things. And i think you will find that those will often come hand in hand. If you can take care of yourself physically, things will fall easier into place. I'm not saying its not going to take work, but i know that you can do it. I have so much faith in you Christina, you don't even know.

Please don't applogize for how you're feeling, or for what you wish you could be right now. We don't always necessarily have control over how we're feeling, but we do have control over what we can do to help ourselves. Please PLEASE feel free to contact me if you want to talk or just need someone to listen. I'm always at the other end of the computer, or phone, or WHATEVER if you ever want to talk to someone. Don't give up on yourself, just keep believing that you will be okay, and know that you have lots of people here who have faith in you.

Sending big hugs and good vibes your way ...
Jacq xo

I was reading your post and the idea that you are not yourself caught my eye. You may feel that you are no longer the person who cares about other people and tries to help people. But, you will regain that ability in time. I lost the ability to have a positive thought, I am now re-gaining that ability. Hang in there. I hope you get what ever help you need. It is okey to ask for help from your friends, your T and the people here at PC. The above posting makes it sound like you have really helped people at PC. Let us return the favor and help you in what ever way we can. Post your heart out for one. Know that we know in our own way what you are going through.

canders hugs to u you
you are worthwhile..
thank you for ur posts to me in my time of need..
you can still help others...
your presence here is worth a lot...

(((((((((((Canders))))))))))))))))
I know where you are 'cause I've been there myself. You don't have to apologize for feeling like crap-we all understand. Take as much time as you need to feel your pain, we're here.

((((((((((Sky)))))))))))))) Thank you very much for putting it like that. I know I have a tendency to do things like that and extrapolate all sorts of false claims. It's sad, those lines you picked up on? That was part of my edit of my post. It just didn't feel right to not put that in because that's how I feel. It's like a never-ending mess of emotions and junk to deal with. I don't want to deal with my life and problems anymore. I don't think I can anymore. I just want to crawl into bed and die (or stay there for a very long time).

Thanks for your thoughts though - I'll try to remember.

(((((((((Jacq)))))))))))

You, my friend, are wonderful.

I hope I'm growing because all I want to do right now is throw in the towel and give up. I'm not a very steadfast person in that regard. I'll try to take better care of myself, I know I need to - it just doesn't seem worthwhile, like I'm worth any attention or time. I tie my idea of "self-worth" to how much I feel I'm helping everyone around me and I don't think I'm doing enough of that anymore. I've not been helpful enough here for you and all of my friends. I've been a lousy friend. Thank you so much for your kind words and wonderful spirit. I'm so glad that I have you as a friend.

(((((((((Hopefull)))))))))))

I really like your name. It makes me smile, and I like the positivity of it.

Thank you for understanding. Thank you for the little gleam of hope you just gave me.

(((((((((bronee)))))))))))

Thank you so much for saying that;. I'm glad I'm still sorta helping ... it just feels like I'm not sometimes. I just feel so blah and lost/lonely.

(((((((((Jax))))))))))))

Thank you for understanding and for even just saying I'm allowed to feel pain. You haven't got a clue how hard it is for me to believe that ... my T tries so hard to tell me that.

Thanks

((((((((((((((((( Christina )))))))))))))))))

Love,
Fuzzy

(((((((((((Fuzzy)))))))))))))

Love you my friend

Hello (((((((((CANDERS))))))))
I am very sorry that you are feeling so bad at this time. I agree with the other posters, that Depression has a tendency to make things worse than they should be and sometimes you have to just call the Dr or go to the Emergency Room when there is no other option when the meds are not working as they should. If you are feling worse or incapable of living in a mannner that is something you can deal with you need to call the Dr, Just doing nothing and sleeping is just going to make you feel worse in time. Please call the Dr or go get the help you need to feel better. There are many hopeful solutions to depression but you have to be the one to get the help you ned for your depression. Perhaps getting a shpower and going out for a walk or out to eat or calling a friend willhelp. Sometimes staying in the same depressing environment does not help you to feel better. I hope things get better for you soon Canders. PM anytime. Soidhonia

Thank you for being so straightforward (((((((((Soidhonia))))))))))))))) I've said it before, and I'll say it again - someone needs to shake me up!

Thanks