[ThePainNeverDies]

Hey everyone, sorry I haven't been around recently, been trying in vain to recover, but not doing so well..

One of my closest friends died on Saturday night, I woke up to a phonecall telling me on Sunday afternoon, after being in hospital all night Satruday until 9am Sunday morning.

So, I've just not been eating well at all because every time I eat I just feel sick.. I'm stuck at one small thing a day. I can barely drink anything and the weight is slipping off me quite quickly because of all of the stress.. It's bringing me back to my old ways.. But this is not what my friend would have wanted, but I can't go to the funeral now because it's too far away, so that's upset me even more

I feel so guilty for this.. Because I was in hospital when she would have been.. When she'd have been dying.. I'd have been in hospital for trying to kill myself.. That's awful, how selfish is that when she was dying?

And now to not be eating when I know she'd want me to be eating.. But I just feel sick every time, because of the depression I guess.. I wish I could do what she'd want me to do, but right now.. I'm just so.. Lost without her, she was always there for me, always knew how to help.. I helped her, too, when she wanted the help.. I just want to have her look down on me and feel that I am appreciative of her help and that I have taken her advice..

But.. At this moment in time, I'm just not ready.. I need to get over her death and the only way I can properly do that is by going to her funeral.. This is going to be the 4th funeral I haven't made it to, if you include my Dad's when I was 3.. And I just know that I'll regret it, but I'm stuck for what to do because I just can't get there.. It sucks so much..

Any advice on what to do with the eating side of this?

Thanks in advance for any replies

xxKirstenxx

[darkrunner]

Hi Kirsten,
I'm so sorry for your loss. That is very very sad and of course terribly hard for you to deal with.

As far as the eating, people have given me the advice to just not think about it, just eat automatically and to think of it as 'my job' in order to stay healthy for my family. I know that seems like lame advice - it's such a hard struggle, but I wish you the best.
take care of yourself,
ktgirl

[cantstopcrying]

Kirsten, I'm sorry not only for the loss of your friend but for the stress and struggle you are going through. The last thing your mind wants to do right now is something "good" for you (eating) because you are hurting. You will be physically hurting even more if you don't eat, honey. I've been there (not with the loss of a loved and dear friend, though) and the only words of wisdom I can offer are you know the right things to do, I can tell from your post by saying your friend would want you to take care of yourself, just hold tight to the good memories of your friend, come here for help if you need it, feel free to message me anytime. Don't feel bad about missing the funeral, you can celebrate her life anytime, anywhere (and that's what funerals should be); her spirit and soul are not where her body is, those are with you.

[ThePainNeverDies]

I really, really do want to do this, for her, to get better, for her.. But I just can't eat at the moment, it's so horrible.. It's tempting me into not eating again.. Just because I'm fat and I know it and hate it.. I need to lose the weight.. But just know that she didn't want me to, because she said I'm not fat, that I have a lovely figure and she loves me the way I am..

But I just.. Now.. That this has happened.. I want to eat for her.. But I just.. Can't.. Not yet.. Is that fair? Or is that selfish? I feel so selfish..

xx

[cantstopcrying]

I know you perceive yourself as fat, though your dear friend told you repeatedly that you aren't. If you want to honor her and do something in her memory, try eating just something small. It doesn't have to be high in fat content, just try something small. Maybe get out some pictures of her, look through them, have some toast or an apple or banana or yogurt, say, "____, I'm doing this for you. Here's to your friendship and love", and toast her and her love. Maybe this will help you. At some point, as much as you want to do it for her, you have to do it for you, too. Do it for you so that you can keep her memory alive. It's like the saying " A journey of a thousand steps begins with one,"-- A journey back to health begins with a small bite.

[ThePainNeverDies]

I know it starts with one small bite.. I am eating something small each day, but I just feel so sick every time i do eat.. i hate it, I really do and now it's making me want to lose the weight deliberately again, despite losing the weight due to stress and not eating much anyway..

I don't have any pictures of her, nothing to remind me of her because we were due to meet, quite soon, too.. As we'd never met in person before.. But death beat me to it..

Everything I do, I don't do for me.. I do it for other people.. i know taht sounds silly, but.. It's so, so true.. I don't want to eat, yet I make myself, just for other people, even when I starved for 'x' amount of days and then when I ate, I threw up because my stomach couldn't hande it.. I wanted to just starve again, but I didn't because of other people.. It's not fair, why can't I just do anything for myself without feeling like I'm being selfish, without letting my past of being called selfish even though I NEVER did ANYTHING for myself, affect me? Why? Why, Why, Why?!!

Sorry..

I'm Just... So sad.. So fed up.. So.. Yuck

[eskielover]

I know what you are going through with the stress making you so sick that you can't eat. I was dealing with that problem just 4 years ago when my Mother was dying of cancer. It started that summer right after her surgery......I had an asthma attack that landed me in the hospital for 10 days right before my mare had her foal.

Just after my foal was born, she was injured & I had to make it to the ranch 2 times a day for the meds & to clean & wrap her injury....a cut down to the bone on her leg. Several years earlier, I had lost a foal to an infection & I was determined not to loose Izzy.

Just after that happened, my Mother kept getting worse. She lived 1 hour away & I had to have her put into the hospital so I was driving between the hospital & home everyday.....then when she got out, this woman manipulated her way into being a home care person for my Mother & pulled the worst ID theft & abuse of my Mother.....when that happened, I suspected something was going on, so didn't leave my Mother alone at all....just had to give up on the care of my foal then. Within 5 days, I had gone through such a trauma with my Mothers situation is was scarry. When the woman OD'ed my Mother on morphine after calling the police to accuse me of abusing my Mother, I had the paramedica take my Mother to the hospital. I never left her side after that. I was going through what they called depersonalization symptoms. My pdoc was trying to handle the stress unsuccessfully & my medical Dr was checking me after the asthma attack....so he was constantly checking my weight. I lost almost 20 lbs in those few months & ended up colapsing & was put into the hospital myself right at Christmas that year. I had just had my Mother put into a nursing home close to my home & I ended up in the same hospital that she had been in with my medical Dr. I had to leave for a couple of days to take care of setting up the hospice care.....no idea why they waited to long with her.......then I got so sick, my Dr had me go into the hospital through the ER......that night was the night my Mother died. I had spent several hours with her, holding her hand & telling her that she would get better when she let go & let God take her home with my Father.

I ended up planning her funeral from the hospital myself. I was so afraid of the woman that pulled the ID theft that I refused to have the funeral at my Mothers church.....the woman was the neighbor of my Mothers boyfriend from her church.

I couldn't eat anything....everytime I ate a bite of anything I would feel so sick to my stomach, I could't get the food down. I went so many days without food that I ended up so anemic that they started IV nutrition throuth a picc line which got infected & had to be stopped. I needed to leave the hospital for the funeral & the hospital's pdoc (they didn't have a psych ward) was going to put me on a hold if I decided to leave saying I would be dead in a couple of days if I didn't have treatment immediately. My med Dr looked the other way when I left AMA but promised to come back right after the funeral for the central line.

I didn't have the problem of thinking I was fat or even looking fat. At 93 lbs, I looked like a walking dead person & knew it & felt exactly the way I looked. I ended up in the hospital for another 3 weeks & then I was still sick continually for about the next year. I finally got a little energy back & tried to eat little bits every day. It took me over a year to even get up to 100.......since then, everytime a little stress hits, I loose again.......I have managed not to let my weight get lower than 100, but now I have separated from my husband & am along taking care of my farm house & my 6 dogs....trying to make my farm into a place for my horses......there is continual stress here even though I have never been happier......but cleaning up the financial messes my husband made take their tole.

I get exhausted or just feel down & food it the last thing I feel like cooking or even eating....knowing that I can't get back to where I was....especially alone & with my doggies needing me....it pushes me to keep going.....mostly for me because I don't like that horrile feeling of passing out when I don't expect it....being alone, its scarry.

You just have to eat....sometimes I just find something I like to eat & will eat it because it tastes good. that can be a batch of brownies, or muffons....sometimes it's a bag of sweet potatoe chips or even potatoe chips....just to get through the not feeling like eating stage.....then I can get back to eating normal meals. Oatmeal cookies with rasins or crasins are wonderful.....taste mild enouh so that it doesn't make you feel sick.....enough good in it for it to be good for you.

That has been what I do to get through the rough times
Debbie

[ThePainNeverDies]

Wow, there's a lot there.. I'm sorry that this happened to you..
I guess I'm piling more stress on myself by thinking about how my Dad died when i was 3 (commited suicide) and how I couldn't be at his funerak because I was too young to understand.. Along with my foster Dad.. I didn't even know he was dead until after his funeral, so never got to go

I don't want to miss this one, I want to pay my respecs to my friend.. But.. I just can't eat.. I have been eating foods I like, but they still make me feel quite sick, so I will try the oatmeal biscuits..

What are depersonalization symptoms?

It's good that you got to spend the last few hours with you Mother, but devastating that you had to be there when she died..

I used to have a dog, until I got kicked out of my family home, at 16.. I'm 17 now.. That dog was everything that kept me going, that stopped me from so many suicide attempts.. But, because of my love for, and understanding of, animals, she was the one thing that kept me going, the only living thing that made me feel of some worth and made me feel loved and cared about and like somebody actually needed/wanted me there.. Now.. My adoptive family have her and they treat her like ***** and I hate that.. I want to get her back, but it's proving extremely difficult..

I have an infection or two now and that's making me ill, I feel ill anyway and just don't feel like getting out of bed anymore.. She was the onyl real living thing I got out of bed for in the mornings and now.. I don't have that, I just have college and even that's gonna be a drag this year because of people causing trouble with me.. I don't know what to do!! I feel like.. I have failed everyone and I feel like I'm just gonna get worse and worse and just fail college because of people pushing me out of the group.. I don't know

I hate this...

[eskielover]

I so understand your love for animals....they are truely the only unconditional love that exists in this world.....they need us....we need them.....then love us no matter what & I know that I love my eskies beyond anything I have ever felt love for before.

I think one of the important things to start with would be to let go of the past things that just couldn't be with the funerals.......you were too young do even know anything about your Dad's funeral....at the age of 3....most everything is just a blur except for what we have been told about it which becomes our memory or what we have thought later about it.

Yep, even the foods I liked made me feel sick, but at least the taste wasn't adding to the sick feeling.

Depersonalization is when you are somewhere, but you feel like you are watching yourself move & hearing yourself talk. You are answering questions, but it's like it isn't you that's talking & you don't know where the answer is coming from. It scared me to be around people when I was like that because I was afraid they would realize the strange feeling I was having. I would sit in the hospital room next to my Mother & feel like it was all a dream I was living in & I was just watching the nightmare going on all around me. My pdoc said that was my bodies reaction to stress.

Sadly, the infections come when our body isn't being fed well & the nutrition that we need to keep our bodies healthy to fight off infections just isn't there....I had several serious infections during the time I was in the hospital.

The issues you are having with people causing problems with you in college...I think that was why I didn't hang around anyone specific in college. I went to the university, focused on my major & getting my degree for my career.....I swore that nothing was going to get in my way of being successful. Sadly, all I can say about that is that it takes your determination to keep people out of your way of being a success.....if you fail, it isn't their fault.....it ends up being our own fault for allowing them to do it to us. I realized that & made sure that NO ONE got in my way. If they tried, I wouldn't let them anywhere close to my life. I am still that way....which is why after 33 years of marriage (we haven't been together for the last 13 years however & I moved out last year...moved from California to Kentucky all alone). Rather be alone than allow someone to drag me down.

When our attitude isn't working & we are hurting ourselves with it, it's time to look at it & change what isn't working......most of the time when we think we have failed others they don't even know about it because that is usually an internal feeling or something that is based on what people say rather than the reality about the situation.

I really hope that you can take yourself out of doing & being for others & really be & do for yourself. It isn't selfish at all to be that way.....as in reality, we can't love others until we love ourselves & who we are. Feeling better about ourselves is a good thing. It doesn't get rid of stress completely, & I still end up feeling sick when I get stressed....but it's at a much different level than the levels I have gone through in the past.

If you ever need to PM or anything, I am always available if there is anything I can do to help,
Debbie

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thanks for your reply, Debbie.. I hope that I can just get on with this year at college and not let anyone get in the way of me being successful because I just let everyone bring me down.. They'r forever taking advantage of the fact that I am kind to people, I will do things for them, I will give in to them so easily or I feel guilty if I don't..

I hate that I am like that and I don't want to get better for myself, with the Eating Disorder.. I want to starve, it's all that I feel I deserve.. Like I deserve more pain than that.. Which is why I ended up in hospital this morning.. Because I left some cuts to get infected.. Didn't mean to, was just too scared to go and get it sorted, but a friend made me go in the end, she came with me.. The nurse was ok, just made me quite on edge.. I think she tried to guilt trip me, by saying she'd be distraught if her daughter did that..

I came home and not too long after felt suicidal again.. So.. Still feeling the same now, but going to the doctors in a bit, so will talk to my doctor about it.. Just.. Feeling really sick and dizzy now, is that bad? Could it mean I'm allergic to the iodnine gauze stuff she put on the cuts to prevent the infection getting worse?

I've been really weak and shaky all day too.. Could that be due to significant blood loss, after about 5 hours blood loss in total over the past 3 days? Only trickling, but still bad enough..

I don't know.. I don't feel hungry but my friend is always up for food and I cook for her normally, so it's always a temptation and she never eats if I'm not..

So, not sure what to do..

Kirsten xx