[cantstopcrying]

I went from anorexia to this blob. I scared the hell out of myself when I was so thin, that I finally got to a healthy weight--and maintained it for years. Then the stupid muscular dystrophy symptoms, RA and depression caused me to seek help for the pain and neuropathy. Got put on two medications which have significant weight gain as a side effect--I was never told this and of course, as a responsible patient I read the literature and sure weight gain is listed, but so is suicidal ideation, red itchy eyes, sleepiness, insomnia, weight loss and hair loss. I gained weight, got more depressed, got the dosage of depression med increased, gained more weight, hated the way I looked, comfort-ate because I was depressed, gained weight, comfort-ate because I was depressed and here I am weighing more than 182. I haven't been able to step on the scale in a long time. I'm 5'10. I know the personal responsibility checklist. I know I am ultimately responsible for my weight, my happiness, my life. I don't want pity, I just want to cry. I got super stressed at work today, made the conscious decision to walk in the back and get some candy. As I sat here unwrapping the reese bite, I started crying, totally disgusted with myself. If I would just have more willpower. A part of me is so scared that if I start loseing weight, I will end up being anorexic again (of course, I have like 70 pounds to lose before THAT happens), but it stays in my mind. I have such a hard time exercising due to multiple health issues. I don't have the money to do Jenny Craig or any of those. I don't have will power. I just suck. I'm fat and I can feel my thighs rub together when I walk and that disgusts me and then I feel bad and the feel and taste of chocolate comforts me. I've thought about--as disgusting as it is--putting food in my mouth for the taste, then spitting it out. No, I'm not sick. Not at all!!

[darkrunner]

(((((((((((((((((cantstopcrying))))))))))))))))))))

Please don't be so hard on yourself. You don't 'just suck'. You DO have will power...you are just not using it right now....but that doesn't mean you can't start over.

A lot of people have trouble with weight gain on medicine - it doesn't mean you are a bad person. And a mid-range healthy weight for someone your height is about 150, so you don't really have that much to lose.

But yes, I realize it is hard and it is scary to think of becoming anorexic again.

Years ago when I was trying to lose my 'baby weight', I did it slowly and in a healthy way. I figured out how many calories I should be eating and kept track of every morsel I put in my mouth (there are websites that can help you do that.) Were there times when I messed up??? - YES! But if you keep trying even after eating the candy or cake or cookies, you will ultimately succeed.

I have lots of experience with this - like I said, I used to be healthy at a healthy weight and I got there in a healthy way. So if you want more ideas, feel free to PM me.

But please don't be so hard on yourself.
You are a good, supportive, caring person.
You are not alone.
I know what it's like to want to cry after messing up for the millionth time. It's OK to cry. And it's OK to vent.
Just Please be gentle with yourself. OK?

Sending hugs and wiping your tears with a Puffs Plus tissue,

ktgirl

[tracy33]

I totally can feel your pain. My bipolar meds messed me up and put me up to 192 pounds. And I'm only 5'4". I eventually lost it and became anorexic. I'm now in recovery and I feel gross. I'm not fat, but I think I am.
I know how comforting it feels to eat, how depression about how we look just makes the depression worse. That's when I sought help with a therapist. Is there someone you can talk to, like a therapist? Mine helped alot.
I know it's scary to want to lose weight and fear how far you can take it. I'd like to shed a few pounds, but I constantly have my husband at my side asking me what I ate and pretty much making me eat. He's a great support system, even though I wish he'd "unsupport" me for a little while.
Maybe there's a sweet tasting fruit you could replace your chocolate with?
Hope you feel better.

[cantstopcrying]

Originally Posted by purplebutterfly

((((((cantstopcrying)))))) maybe we should try to lose weight together, just a thought.....i totally understand the whole chocolate comforts thing- depression meds are suppose to make you feel better instead it makes you gain freaking weight which only depresses you more- great meds uhh?

I know, I was so angry when a doctor finally said, "Uh, hon, both of those make you gain weight. A lot of it." I went home and threw them across the room (If nothing else I got exercise by picking the dumb things up!) I tried the Special K 2 week lose 6 pounds thing--I love Special K so I can eat that for two weeks. Hate milk and was violently ill!! What the heck happens to my brain sometimes?! I think losing weight together would be great. They used to make chastity belts, why not ones for your mouth so you don't put food in them. Oh wait--those are muzzles!!! I look down at my hands and think, "these fingers used to be so long and slender." As it was I had to wait 3 1/2 months after breaking up with my fiance of 9 years to take the ring off cuz I couldn't get it over the chunky finger! ***sigh***

[Perna]

Originally Posted by cantstopcrying

I don't want pity, I just want to cry.

Yes, I think I know what you mean!

You might want to look over at http://www.sparkpeople.com I've lost 35+ of my 135 I have to lose over there and there are lots of people in similar shoes with the weight gain from medication and comfort eating, depression, etc.

PM me if you want more information.

[marcelodlanod]

I feel disgusting too, sometimes i think: "..it was better when i was anorexic.."
I know i have to be healthy, but.. i was so happy you know?.. how to change a philosophy?.. my weight is normal... now.. but i dont like it.. and it scares me: meds make you gain weight? damn.. i swallow anti-depressives too.. No, no, no, this is not what i need right now... Please!! some tips!!

[cantstopcrying]

Yes,was on Lyrica and Lexipro and that combination with my body chemistry made me gain weight which in turn exacerbated the comfort-eating cycle. Blah!

[e_sort]

I've been known to ask myself that occasionally. Actually prozac had the effect on me of really not caring any more about my weight, which was certainly an obsession. I did gain a little but it was due to that, not metabolic issues I think, and I'm not overweight at least by the BMI standard.

One book I've found very interesting is Intuitive Eating, by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch. It's very good for people who have a hard time with dieting, which is everyone I've ever known. Basically tells you that if you stop dieting (i.e. forbidding yourself foods, restricting intake, etc) you'll lose interest in overeating. I think it is really true, though it takes a lot of time to get there. (I'm not there, in fact, but I've noticed a lot of progress.)

In fact one thing I've found especially helpful is to have junk food in the house at all times. I know that sounds weird. But if I have so much crap around that there's no way you can finish it (and thus get rid of it), and it's not "special" to have it in the house any more, I really lose interest.
OCD complicates the issue but between prozac and the intuitive eating concept, I've found a measure of peace.

[cantstopcrying]

Gee, I know how--by giving in to the urge I have right now to eat some cake! There is cake in the kitchen here at work and I just want to eat some of it. It will make me feel better (for now, until I realize what I've done! Then I'll be depressed and want to eat because I'm depressed! AAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!) That's how I got so disgusting!

[darkrunner]

((((((((((cantstopcrying)))))))))))

It is so hard to resist.
Are you truly hungry?
Could you eat something healthy?
Or maybe have some tea or to out and get a nonfat latte?
Hang in there, I know you can do this.


ktgirl

[BalishBun]

I don't know if it helps, but I just wanted to let you know I am 5'2 and about 195lbs. I do eat comfort foods, and love buffets. I don't have an eating disorder, but I also don't have enough motivation to get myself to a healthy weight. I hide the 195 well, but on a 5'2" frame, its not so healthy. Ive had heart problems before, so you think that would be enough motivation. Nope.

[cantstopcrying]

So I haven't had pop for over a week, I have really eaten quite well. I even resisted--with help from here--cake today. And surprise freakin surprise--I've gained weight!!! I hate myself.

[Lauren2009]

awww, wow this is one of those posts where I am not exactly sure what to say! (Im new to this so excuse me for not being, ya know, ultimately helpful) I do not know what it is like to be a recovered anorexic, then hafto deal with the other health concerns. I have my own eating problems. but luckily, my overall health is good. all i know to tell you is to just stay as mentally strong as possible. i know you will have good days, and bad days, when you feel disgusting and you hate the way you look. But just try to realize that the people around you love you for YOU. and you should to. Try to not focus so much on the outter, and more on the inner. Find comfort in your chocolate, but find a hobby, something you really enjoy, and focus on that. Maybe go for walks.. That may help get your mind off things, yet its also exercise. use the buddy system. Im sure there are plenty of people that love you and would be by your side all the way. Best of luck and I hope you start feeling better! Really

[e_sort]

Originally Posted by cantstopcrying

So I haven't had pop for over a week, I have really eaten quite well. I even resisted--with help from here--cake today. And surprise freakin surprise--I've gained weight!!! I hate myself.

i hear you. in fact i weigh more at the moment than i have ever weighed in my life. i've been eating like a crazy person. last night i got up in the middle of the night and ate a dozen cookies. i also did that the night before. it makes no sense. i don't want them especially and i have long since given myself permission to eat them. i don't think i can blame the drugs, except for causing me to be insufficiently upset about it :P as opposed to the obsessive dieting of my past.

so much for my intuitive eating. i think i better re-read that book today.

i do know that hating yourself does not help.

[GothGirl1771]

The same thing happened to me, I was anorexic and weight more than you now! It really sucks.... But try to throw in workouts and use the gym. Anorexia often causes yo yo dieting, and throughout a while your weight shifts until you eventually get bigger than you've ever been. The same happened to me. Just diet healthier. Eat more greens and fruits.

You can be thinner in a healthy way. I so hope you feel better! I know it can really hurt.