[JeffPowers]

Hi Pegasus,

In brief, I was with a therapist for over seven years, and about five years ago I realized I was in love with her. Two months ago she terminated therapy, saying she could not help me any more, because I was stuck in my love for, and could not get beyond that. She gave me notice about four months ahead of time.

I am in such pain knowing she will never be a part of my life. I want to have a friendship with her, which she refuses, and have been told by a number of people that any post-therapy relationship with her would be a disaster. My question is this: Why do people assume our friendship would be a disaster? What do they seem to know that I don't? Knowing why could help me get past this awful pain.

Thank you.

Jeff

[pegasus]

Originally Posted by JeffPowers

Hi Pegasus,

In brief, I was with a therapist for over seven years, and about five years ago I realized I was in love with her. Two months ago she terminated therapy, saying she could not help me any more, because I was stuck in my love for, and could not get beyond that. She gave me notice about four months ahead of time.

I am in such pain knowing she will never be a part of my life. I want to have a friendship with her, which she refuses, and have been told by a number of people that any post-therapy relationship with her would be a disaster. My question is this: Why do people assume our friendship would be a disaster? What do they seem to know that I don't? Knowing why could help me get past this awful pain.

Thank you.

Jeff

Hello Jeff,

So, 5 years ago you fell inlove with T and you shared that with T but she has only recently terminated stating that she can no longer help you. Sorry to say this Jeff but that is totally unfair on you, that she waited 5 years to do that. The bond between T and client needs to be very special, a good attachment but with boundaries also. The point of therapy to me is to gain your own internal therapist, that couldn't have happened in the right way for you.

On to your question about friendship. For 7 years you have worked together, in the last 5 years there has been a massive imbalance which she really was duty bound to correct but she didn't.

People can have friendships with a therapist here in the UK but they have to wait 2 years due to ethics (if it is a psychologist, the rules may be different for counselors) after therapy has finished. I think your T has realised the massive mistake she has made in prolonging the power imbalance for a further 5 years and therefore friendship is out of the question.

Jeff, you know the saying, 'love is blind' you can't see that power-imbalance (and how a friendship would not work) right now because you are still grieving.

So, some damage has been done, grief is hard, please seek therapy with a male therapist to work through this properly. Hugs to you.

[JeffPowers]

Hello Peg,

Thank you for your response.

It seems to me that the imbalance between therapist and client is always there, love or no love.

I have been seeing a "new" therapist for about six weeks, a man in his 60s. He suggests that she didn't end therapy with me years ago because she was hoping to help me realize the source of my obsessive attraction to her, and move me beyond it. But she was so closed-off about her motives/agenda, that I often imagined she was intentionally manipulating me. My sessions were often regarding my concerns about her thoughts, why she said things that she said, does she like me, is she sick of me, can we be friends after therapy terminates, etc. etc. I focused my attention on my relationship with her, rather than my relationship with my actual family and friends. She pointed this out very often, and told me that what I am doing is not having therapy, but trying to have her as my friend, which she insisted many times is not what she is.

I think she did the best she could (she’s an intern at a clinic), but I found it confounding and painful. Now I am in worse shape than I was when I first began therapy. I feel that “if only” she would agree to being my friend, my life would be so much happier and productive.

Thanks for your insights.

Jeff

Originally Posted by pegasus

Hello Jeff,

So, 5 years ago you fell inlove with T and you shared that with T but she has only recently terminated stating that she can no longer help you. Sorry to say this Jeff but that is totally unfair on you, that she waited 5 years to do that. The bond between T and client needs to be very special, a good attachment but with boundaries also. The point of therapy to me is to gain your own internal therapist, that couldn't have happened in the right way for you.

On to your question about friendship. For 7 years you have worked together, in the last 5 years there has been a massive imbalance which she really was duty bound to correct but she didn't.

People can have friendships with a therapist here in the UK but they have to wait 2 years due to ethics (if it is a psychologist, the rules may be different for counselors) after therapy has finished. I think your T has realised the massive mistake she has made in prolonging the power imbalance for a further 5 years and therefore friendship is out of the question.

Jeff, you know the saying, 'love is blind' you can't see that power-imbalance (and how a friendship would not work) right now because you are still grieving.

So, some damage has been done, grief is hard, please seek therapy with a male therapist to work through this properly. Hugs to you.

[pegasus]

Hello Jeff,

So as an intern she would have been fairly inexperienced although she should of had a supervisor to share such issues. You are right in that therapy needed to be about you and not her. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I am glad to hear you are working through this with another therapist, how awful that you are having to have therapy for the damage caused by therapy previously!

[watino]

Originally Posted by pegasus

how awful that you are having to have therapy for the damage caused by therapy previously!

Please ignore this if I'm going off topic..
I wonder what the praxis is in such cases. Would it be absurd to ask for a refund (if privately paid)? Compensation for damages?

That would be standard in medical practice (if malpractice occurred), in psychology I don't know.
Just talking theoretically; I can't judge OP's situation of course.

[pegasus]

Originally Posted by watino

Please ignore this if I'm going off topic..
I wonder what the praxis is in such cases. Would it be absurd to ask for a refund (if privately paid)? Compensation for damages?

That would be standard in medical practice (if malpractice occurred), in psychology I don't know.
Just talking theoretically; I can't judge OP's situation of course.

I don't know about getting money back unless going through the courts and that could get really messy with lawyers and such. The therapist could be reported to the relevant professional body, that is if the therapist is a member of a professional body for unethical practice. The best outcome from that would be the therapist being struck off and unable to practice in future.

It is not at all unusual for a client to fall in love with their therapist. It's all part of the transference relationship. (If you're unfamiliar with the term "transference", read about it online.) If the connection and bond between you and your therapist is especially strong, it's all that much easier to fall in love. A talented therapist will make use of that "love" to further the therapeutic work between the two of you.

[nushi]

I agree that the therapist had to stop the therapy sessions as soon as your emotional feelings for her started JeffPowers...

But anyway, it's good that you started therapy with another person. And, believe me, being friends with the former therapist will only make everything worse. The best thing for you is that you try to forget her, severe all things that remind you with her, & start your life as if you're beginning a new chapter... And, with time, you'll be able to forget her as if she never existed in your life

I've had this experience (but not with a therapist) in my life before three times, & the only thing that helped each time is that I severe everything that's related, or remind me, of that person, & now after 2 or 3 months, you're totally relieved of your pain

[sabby]

JeffPowers, I understand how difficult this must be for you and the feelings and emotions of it all can maybe cloud your mind when trying to reconcile all that happened. This is a good time for you to be introspective with yourself and try to see if your feelings for her were impeding her ability to help you with your transference issues and your ability to understand or accept what she was trying to help you with.

I say this because your T gave you ample warning of termination. Four months seems like a lot of time for the both of you to try to come to a conclusion within your sessions and for her to try to help you move on to your next step and another T.

Again, I understand how you may be feeling. I also think that by seeing another T that you have no transference issues with, can be extremely helpful to you in moving past the emotions and to start seeing things more clearly.

I wish you the best as you move forward. While moving forward may be difficult and painful, it also has it's most wonderful rewards!

Originally Posted by sabby

JeffPowers, I understand how difficult this must be for you and the feelings and emotions of it all can maybe cloud your mind when trying to reconcile all that happened. This is a good time for you to be introspective with yourself and try to see if your feelings for her were impeding her ability to help you with your transference issues and your ability to understand or accept what she was trying to help you with.

I say this because your T gave you ample warning of termination. Four months seems like a lot of time for the both of you to try to come to a conclusion within your sessions and for her to try to help you move on to your next step and another T.

Again, I understand how you may be feeling. I also think that by seeing another T that you have no transference issues with, can be extremely helpful to you in moving past the emotions and to start seeing things more clearly.

I wish you the best as you move forward. While moving forward may be difficult and painful, it also has it's most wonderful rewards!

Wait...transference is an important aspect of the therapeutic relationship. Here's a good, general article: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...e-transference

[TheWell]

Transference is important unless it is so strong and gets in the way of everything else. If the transference becomes obsessive to the point where they talk about nothing else. Then termination is valid. And it sounds like she gave him plenty of notice that it wasn't working. I agree that he might look for a male therapist where the transference doesn't totally get in the way.

[sabby]

Originally Posted by Sister Rags

Wait...transference is an important aspect of the therapeutic relationship. Here's a good, general article: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...e-transference

Absolutely Sister Rags, I'm not disputing that at all. It just seemed to me like there is a difficulty on the clients part to move through and past that transference, that's why I said what I did. I'm certainly not invalidating how he feels, I would never do that.

I myself have had a bit of transference as well. It was in a very different way than this OP, but I do have somewhat of an understanding of how it can and does happen quite often. Thanks for the link!

[avlady]

I understand how someone could fall in love with their therapist as we tell all our feelings and share a private part of our lives with them. I sometimes have fallen for some of my psychical doctors, they had taken away some of my health problems and i like one just because he had a good manner. I think it is better for you now, even if you don't see it now because if it lasted any longer you would never forget about your t, you need to soul search and find out it's for the best. I also agree you should see a person of the same sex as you.