[~rider]

Just signed up today on this forum. I'm having a difficult time with events I experienced last year, and a few years before leading up to it. It's affected my job, I lost a promotion and have missed a lot of work. I've seen 4 therapists and 2 psychiatrists, half of both were pretty good. But, I'm still not dealing that well. My last therapist is very well known and has a very good track record and reviews. She did a complete mental eval, and I'm apparently complicated.

Not sure where to direct this on this forum. My story is too long for one post but here are the highlights:

- Overall I have high anxiety and depression caused by a significant breakdown last spring involving my mother and my son. My mother was emotionally abusive to me as a child, but I thought I'd gotten over it 30 years ago.

- In 2009 I experienced serious marriage issues and coping mechanisms from my childhood surfaced, leaving me with extreme guilt. The marriage got very bad, and family issues also happened -- at the same time.

- After my breakdown, I became involved with a woman who logically I know I do not love, or am compatible with. But I suddenly felt love for her despite the fact she was lying to me and an alcoholic. I separated from my wife last summer and left home to see this woman. But it was horrible. So last November I decided I would never see her again.

- But to this day I catch myself with obsessive thoughts and hypothetical conversations I would have with her. It's crazy because this person I'm in love with does not even exist, it's the idealization of her.

So why do I keep obsessing and longing? It's driving me nuts. I have a healthy family, good friends, great job, more than anyone could ask for, and have never felt emotionally weak in my life. But life sucks... why?

[kaliope]

I can say the same thing...lol...I have all this good stuff in my life but I don't know what joy is....I think it is because all the trauma in my past is robbing me of it. until I deal with it, I will never be happy. my therapist assures me that it will all be ok one day, we just have hard work ahead of us. it all just sucks.......working thru it, the memories........take care.

[kreg]

[QUOTE=~
So why do I keep obsessing and longing? It's driving me nuts. I have a healthy family, good friends, great job, more than anyone could ask for, and have never felt emotionally weak in my life. But life sucks... why?[/QUOTE]

Like you said you have an obsession. Can't turn off the thoughts even for a moment? It happened to me. What helps? Time and distance, is there any medication?, get daily exercise to release those endorphin's. Find ways to stay calm. Work on loving everything and everyone.

It took a long time for my thoughts to quiet down. I had dreams of crows circling overhead. One day the dream crows were dead on the ground. Symbolic of course.

[~rider]

Thanks for reading and responding kerf and kaliope.

Kreg, Yes I hear it just takes time. And distance. I've not talked to the woman I obsess over in months. Life is better now. Exercise; yes I agree as well. I'm recovering from broken ribs but have already started walking and will increase it all. Wild dream u had. Good to know the crows died. And yes I'm getting more and more into meditation and just slowing down. I was a huge multitasker before. Now I do one thing at a time. And try to pause between tasks. It's not in my personality though so takes work.

Kaliope, wow yes. Working the out the memories. I've faced mine, taking time to grieve everyday. Even though it's over an idealization, it's still a loss. But yes face them head on w no substances. Give them face time and maybe they'll diminish. I'm having some progress with that.

I'm still so confused how I got so emotionally dependent on someone I wasn't into. Or anyone in general, it's not in my nature to be dependent. The doc said depression can do that. And the ups and downs bug me, but I've found the obsession creeps in more when I'm tired. And have been drinking. I've been given Seroquel, Straline, Shri, ssri, and a few others but have harsh reactions to pretty much everything except Xanax. And I'm not taking that much now, so once the ribs heal, exercise!

[blur]

i would guess the obsession is an escape. it is similar to an addiction in that you may be trying to avoid painful feelings. being in love, whether in actuality or in your imagination releases endorphins. you said you had serious marriage problems, family problems and issues from your past crop up. what is strange to me is that at the end of your post you say everything in your life is good now. i am thinking you are maybe minimizing your problems and trying to tell yourself everything is fine when it really isn't and that is why you are still so unhappy. you mentioned you thought you'd dealt with your childhood issues many years ago but they cropped up. i think you may be doing the same thing now with your more recent problems. it takes time to deal with issues and frequently is a process.

[kreg]

[QUOTE=~rider;3880526]Thanks for reading and responding kerf and kaliope.

Kreg, Yes I hear it just takes time.
I'm still so confused how I got so emotionally dependent on someone. I had the same confusion. I wondered how I could be so involved with such a person. Sex was the only thing I could think of.

I have this theory that it has lust for sexual orgasm as the cause. I could be wrong of course. Why not though? Just nature doing it's thing for preservation of species. It's not within conscious awareness but it's a situation in the sub-conscious. During my obsession I had these paranormal like events. Visions and not dreams of bad scenes and bad people. I had some strange encounters with people.
Could I have been in touch with personages living in lower spiritual or astral levels? It could just as well be totally mind generated. If you read anything at all about out of body experience you come across such descriptions.

[~rider]

Blur, yes very possible. Yes everything is good around me, it's in my head I keep obsessing idealized thoughts about a woman who in reality I don't want anything to do with. I though she was another person when we built a rship via txt, phone and email. In person excellent physical chemistry, but horrible everything else. Yet my mind still longs for who I thought she was. Drives me nuts cause that person doesn't exist. As far as an escape, it's a tormenting one, nothing but extreme pain when I obsess. It's horrible.

Kreg, absolutely sex drive a lot of emotion. My attachment was a lot about sex. But in the end my obsession isn't about that, it's about rejection, unbelief that this person in my mind isn't real. Logically I know this without a doubt. Uggggg

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[kreg]

[QUOTE=~ My attachment was a lot about sex. But in the end my obsession isn't about that, it's about rejection, unbelief that this person in my mind isn't real. Logically I know this without a doubt. Uggggg

Just my opinion from experience but as I see it your family strife and any other negativity is like a stew in your personality and it has led up to this current condition.
I take few things from religion but one is a belief in the power of love. My advice is to send love (by just simply saying or praying those words) to everyone and every situation in your experience. Rebuild yourself. Hanging on to past attitudes-which I know you can't immediately change is synonymous with staying as your same old self.

A little diversion: Like a heroin junkie who knows it will kill him, if he should get close to it again he will be powerless to decline. That's the way it is with me too.

[~rider]

Yes, issues w my marriage drove me to the woman I obsessed and idealized. Yes I do see rebuilding as the path, and I'm striving to be the man I wanted to be when I was a boy. My T from last year took me through an exercise where I eventually came to a garden and met myself as a child. I had a discussion with that boy. Now I need to protect him. It's quite a journey, very amazing.

As far as being tempted as a junkie I'm luckily not in that boat. I don't want another woman or sex from a stranger. Or even her anymore because she's not who I fell in love with. It was an idealization of her. That rship grew over 2.5 years of constant communication. It was so much more mental than physical. So much. Then it wasn't real. I just can't believe my mind did that to me.

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[PoorPrincess]

rider -

You are now wise.
Kudos.

It's strange how the simple things in life go on while we become more difficult.
(Richard Brautigan)

[~rider]

Absolutely. Simplicity is one of my biggest quests right now. Tough for my personality type but I'm persistent.