attracting bad treatment?

Is there a personality type that causes other people to involuntarily treat that person badly?

My brother has been treated badly recently by me, his wife, and our father. His wife said it best (paraphrasing) "He's such a wonderful husband. Why do I treat him like the poo on my shoe?" This is how I feel too.

I am going to get some therapy for this issue, but last time it didn't help.

I'll appreciate any ideas.

I think there are people who are less combative, less likely to stand up for themselves and so become a lightening rod for dysfunction.

In fairness though they have just as much responsibility to deal with the situation as those who are treating them poorly. These situations are rarely one sided. That said i think someone can only be taken advantage of for so long - there has to be the hope that a situation will positively resolve itself before it gets to this point.

Just keep getting the appropriate help for yourself so that in the very least, you'll know that you're not contributing further to the problem.

Without any examples of how your brother behaves or how he's treated badly, it's hard to answer for sure, but I've seen similar things with different causes.

1. Some people are naturally attracted, for unconscious reasons, to people who will treat them badly.

For example, I know a wonderful young woman who was abandoned by her bio father and verbally, emotionally and physically abused by her step-father.

Since her very first boyfriend, she has picked men who treat her badly, verbally abuse her, exploit her in every way and leave her lonely except when they want sex.

She sees the pattern, relates it directly to the way she was treated by her father and step-father, but she hasn't been able to stop it.

She was also verbally abused by a series of step-mothers. She has very testy relationships with her women friends.

She treats people well, but she seems to be attracted only to people who replicate the abusive people in her past. She says she knows she irrationally believes if she can make a no-good boyfriend or a mean-tempered woman friend love her and treat her well that it will be just as if she'd conquered her desire to make her father and step-father and step-mothers love her. Insight has done nothing to change her behavior or the men and friends she chooses. My heart aches for her.

Was your brother abused as a child, either verbally, emotionally, physically or sexually.

2. Some people provoke others by testing them, making sarcastic comments, arguing passive-aggressively, purposely pushing buttons to get a reaction, even doing it in a seemingly nice way, with jokes and funny comments.

I've known people who did things -- probably with unconscious motivations -- to remain the victim, the person who's treated unfairly, who's put down and hurt. They seem to gain a significant feeling of personal power if they can trigger the people around them into losing their cool, shouting, or saying unpleasant thing or stomping out of the house. I don't know what causes this, but it's common in dysfunctional families for one or more people to get their self-esteem and personal power by enabling or triggering other people to act badly. The person feels better about themselves in comparison to the person who lost their cool. This behavior is common in people who grew up with alcoholic or addict parents and who developed traits of co-dependency as survival skills.

Did you and your brother grow up in a messed up family with people who may have abused alcohol and drugs, food, gambling, porn or other dysfuntional behaviors.

I don't know if that information helps you. You're to be commended for seeking therapy to understand and improve your own behavior. Perhaps your brother will follow your example.

Thanks Last time I tried to get therapy for this problem, I went monthly over a year and the therapist was unable to help me understand the source of my bad behavior. It is very frustrating to unwillingly become the villain when I came home partially to help my family.

My brother and I own a small business started by my deceased father. I came home to help in the family business, partly because I wanted to support my brother. My father was always hard on my brother while he was alive.

My brother might be mildly autistic. He is smart and very persistent and can fix almost anything, but sometimes I feel like he isn't even a human being - more like a robot that keeps doing the same thing no matter what. It's not like he is trying to be stubborn, but he just can only do what he does.

Everybody takes advantage of my brother - wife, in-laws, friends, employees. I'm his business partner, so indirectly they all take advantage of me. I try not to take advantage of him, but I am always angry, disrespectful, and frustrated with him.

I don't understand it, but over the past 15 years together I have reached the point where just seeing his face makes me furious. I tell him to stay away from me. He keeps acting like nothing is wrong between us. Then when I inevitably lose my temper with him, I feel rotten about myself. Often I fantasize about suicide. I want to build a separate office, so we don't cross paths so often. He doesn't say no, but doesn't let it happen.

Hopefully I can find a way to accept the situation. There is no way for me to change the situation, because my brother is like a robot. He is very selfless and kind, so I need to stop being so angry.

My mother said my brother was very stubborn as a toddler and sometimes she felt like she became somewhat physically abusive out of frustration.

My parents were both normal. My father probably had psychological issues due to my grandfather's alcoholism and lots of other family nonsense. They had lost wealth in the depression. There was a belief that being pleased or satisfied was equivalent to accepting failure. (I absorbed that thinking too unfortunately.) I think it caused people in our family to be critical of not being as successful as we were supposed to be.

Thanks, I hope I can figure out a solution. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing more harm than good to my brother. I hate being so nasty to him all the time. I don't think my brother can change, but hopefully I can learn how to overcome these feelings.

I think that is something you and his wife would need to work on, seems like a problem within you guys if he's not doing anything to deserve such treatment. Can you think of any reasons for you treating him badly? if you do a little digging around in your mind you might find something. But yeah the therapy sounds like a good idea.

Not sure there is a certain personality type that attracts this, but I know a lot of people who try to treat others well and don't go about trying to cause trouble who still get treated like crap by a lot of people.

I don't see how the person receiving the treatment is responsible for it if they aren't doing anything wrong...I'd say the people treating them that way are fully responsible for their behavior.

That's the sorriest excuse I've ever heard in support of bullying. jmo

I went to a therapist for this issue a couple of years ago. I had monthly sessions for about a year, but the therapist wasn't sure why I felt this way.

I'll try again with a new therapist I guess.

x123, your situation sounds very difficult and I want to commend you even more for recognizing that the situation calls for you doing something about your anger toward your brother.

You describe him in a way that makes me think he might have Asperger's Syndrome or some form of high functioning autism. The fact that your mother considered him stubborn and you describe him as a robot sounds like some of the ways people describe people with Asperger's when there's a lack of understanding.

It's not possible for anyone here to make a diagnosis, but information can be provided. Here's an article from Psych Central that describes Asperger's.

Asperger?s Syndrome | Psych Central

When you see your therapist, you might ask if s/he can teach you about unconditional self and other acceptance. Even though you may not like the way your brother acts and may even deplore some of his behaviors, a therapist can teach you to value his humanity even as you recognize his problems.

It's possible your bro can't help it and he may not be able to change much. Often that's what makes us so angry at another person. We can see they're smart and yet they keep doing the same irritating thing over and over. It's as if they can't learn from their mistakes and it pisses us off. But if your bro does have something like Asperger's he may be struggling almost heroically to function as well as he does. Learning to accept him, despite whatever difficulties he may have, may set you free from your anger.

I wish you the best in your own therapy. Most of all, I wish you peace and acceptance within yourself.

You honestly have no idea whatsoever what the feelings stem from? that is odd, I figured most people who end up being unkind to someone usually have a reason of some kind they can grasp. Intrestingly enough I am diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum and have gotten some pretty crappy treatment throughout my life when I've never had any real bad intentions towards others or anything....I figured people conciously did not like me because I was 'weird' and didn't fit in with their crowd. I am quite certain though that those of us on the spectrum are not robots, though it can be hard to normally express emotions and interest and what not so I suppose it is unusual to people.

I don't mean taking responsibility for the bad treatment - I mean taking responsibility for how they respond - is it right to expect people just to be walked over? I don't think we should play victim and perpetrator, it suggests people are incapable of assertive behaviour or have no right to defend themselves.

I'm sorry but you haven't properly read what I wrote - once you have, then bother with a reply. Thanks.

Well I feel if people single someone out and treat them badly, then yes that person is a victim of bad treatment and the people who did it are the perpetrators of it....

HOw exactly do you mean take responsibility for how they respond? growing up I tried the whole 'ignore them', 'go tell a teacher and have them help(yeah right)' and try not to let it get to me and my attempts at 'assertiveness' where laughed at and not taken seriously in the least....well beings I am not a robot and have emotions I could not supress my upset every single time and I am quite certain that hell contributed to my anxiety and depression issues....how do I take responsibility for that? It was nothing I had any control over.

Of course people have a right to defend themselves, though it is quite possible for people to lack that ability...should someone just have to put up with crap because of that or should they have help?

But getting help means taking responsibility? I don't think people have to put up with anything they don't want to - we're talking about adults here. If the treatment of the OP towards this person was that bad there are plenty of things they could do about it - no longer associating with those they don't wish too is one of them.

I'm really not sure how people are unable to understand this - yes it's a terrible thing when we're treated badly but why must we assume we're powerless? I've experienced this personally - I was abused by my mother and brother, so I decided to move out and associated less with them. Our relationships are now fine. But instead of sitting there going woe is me i did something about it and gained a solution. This is the responsibility of adult life and the OP's situation relates to an adult problem. They've mentioned nothing about this other person being vulnerable or incapable of self sufficiency. If we just expected other people to always rush to our aid and fight our own battles i'm pretty sure the world wouldn't function as it does.

I really can't explain my point any clearer...nor do i intend to for a third time. I continue to wish the OP well in stopping behaviour that they find undesirable.

If you lived your whole childhood under the thumb of someone, then when you become an adult you don't necessarily immediately realize that things are really different, and that you actually can make choices that others can not just countermand.

As already said, the OP mentioned nothing about a vulnerable person who isn't capable of defending themselves - for all we know they might not even consider the treatment as serious as those dishing it out. Again i've known people like this - they come from the kind of environments where mocking unfriendly behaviour was common and just the way their family members responded to each other.

I think we need more information to be honest - we're trying to work out this situation from one side of story, what you're saying could be just as correct as what i've suggested.

Well cutting family out of ones life can be easier said than done, the OP says they are this persons sister...so that is going to complicate things. One does not always have the option to simply not ever deal with people who don't treat them well even adults.....what about various employees with an ***** of a boss who aren't in a position to quit or they'd lose their house for instance?

Also I never said people should 'assume' they are powerless, especially if they aren't in that situation...but if someone does something to them that effects them negatively they shouldn't be beating themselves up over it since they cannot control other peoples actions. And its good you had the option to move out, I am sure there quite a few people who would move out of situations like that if they could. Sure fighting ones own battles is good, but sometimes people need help with those, I see nothing wrong with that....not to mention I hate how the world functions, so wouldn't bother me if it stopped functioning the way it does and improves. I get your point I just disagree with some of it I guess....people are too stuck on 'self sufficiency and act like needing help, helping others or encouraging group effort and treating each other with respect and kindness in society is a shameful thing its ridiculous. But yeah even as an adult I think if someone where to harrass or harm me in some way its effect on me is not something I need to be taking responsibility for as it doesn't have to do with wrong action/ill intentions on my part....now if I start crap and someone reacts accordingly that's different but i don't go around trying to cause trouble anyways.

Please don't get me wrong - i never stated at any one point that bad behaviour is acceptable or that people don't deserve help, a lot of people aren't in the know or the position to resolve a situation easily - but without hope what's the point? And again it's not about taking responsibility for how others behave towards you - no one would expect that - but if you want the situation to change you have to try...whether it's getting the authorities involved, complaining to HR at work, working hard so that future independence is possible...no, not every situation is clear cut, all i was just trying to do is encourage a bit of skepticism and grey area thinking - most of us don't know the true extent of the sitautions explained to us here, so we work with what we have and hope that our suggestions spark in the very least some alternative thinking. Not everyone here can say the same thing otherwise what would be the point in contributing? It continues to be my hope that the person the OP is referring to is able to combat the situation either themselves or with help (it makes no difference) - they have a right to a better situation as does the OP.