[Findingjoy1795]

This might be one of the hardest things to try to explain.
I've been dealing with depression and anxiety for 5 years. Psychologist, therapist, psychiatrist, intensive outpatient, PHP, residential, I've done it all.

Here's the thing. Some people talk about recovering from all this stuff like a straight path up. You find the meds that work, talk to a therapist for a while about how to cope, and boom. You're done. You're "healed." It's over.

That's not the way it's worked for me. I do better for a little bit, and then something always happens to push me back down. I wonder if that's the roller coaster that is life, or if it's something about me. Or something I create...

Two different members of my treatment team asked me recently about my "life worth living" and what life looks like when I recover, and it's SO hard to respond.

Am I scared to get better? Do I sense I'm doing ok and push myself back down? I don't need answers, but has anyone else ever felt this way? Like somehow you're stopping your own pursuit of a normal life? Thoughts?

[Caretaker Leo]

Interesting topic. Yes - I've felt, and for some issues, still feel scared about getting better. I think it is the unknown about how to handle life differently. I "know" my current way of living and what I can do to get myself through situations. I don't yet "know" if I will successfully handle life if I can't fall back on what currently is. This is likely due in part to have grown up with a lot of pressure to succeed. A form of perfectionism, I guess.

[lizardlady]

My own road with depression was a roller coaster. In some ways it still is. It took 6 years in therapy and I don't know how many years playing with my meds to find a cocktail that works. I'm relatively stable now, but still have to be aware of my moods. Something I think we can also lose sight of is that life itself has ups and downs. Crappy stuff happens in life that would make anyone sad/down. It helps me to remember that sad due to a life event is not the same as being depressed.Does that make any sense?

I think I can also understand being afraid of getting well. Some times a known thing, even if it's miserable is less scary than the unknown. Maybe that's why your treatment team asked about your "life worth living." Maybe a better question would be what would you like your life to be like. I used to dissociate a lot. I had DID. I once told my pdoc I was afraid of losing the ability to dissociate. It helped me survive some really bad times in my life. I was afraid if I ever needed it again the ability would be gone. He told me that it probably would never go completely away, but I might find I needed it less and less. It was what I needed to hear at the time. He was also correct. I still dissociate at times, but have other ways of coping too.

[Thunder Bow]

Healing is not like putting it all in a box and saying: "clunk, it is all over". Healing has many levels and is opened ended. It all takes time, and is gradual.

[starfruit504]

Originally Posted by Findingjoy1795

Am I scared to get better? Do I sense I'm doing ok and push myself back down? I don't need answers, but has anyone else ever felt this way? Like somehow you're stopping your own pursuit of a normal life? Thoughts?

I don't think you're scared to get better, maybe you're just caught in a cycle. I feel like I'm always battling my anxiety. If I stop working on it and start coasting then I get swept up in worry again. Some times I'm so disappointed by it that it makes me depressed and I don't want to pick myself up and try again. That's my cycle.

And I don't know what recovery would look like for me. I also can't imagine it. Partly because when I'm not vigilant, I go back to worry. I've wondered if I've reverted too far back, my coping tools are too dull, I have to start all over again, etc. Maybe that's my recovery - constant vigilance? But that definitely sounds like it would keep me from leading a natural, spontaneous life.

My outlook is: I'm always a work in progress. I can accept that.

[avlady]

for me, i think i know i will have to work on my issues for my whole life. the differrence is that i'm learning to accept this as i get older. i'm working hard on keeping up with my meds and t and doctor. they are lifesavers.

[Random]

I feel like this all the time too. Ive had therapists ask me what I imagine my life would look like if I was normal and even the question gives me anxiety. I've been like this so long that normal is hard to imagine but Ive daydreamed some and tried to find a normal I would be happy with and I couldnt. So I daydreamed about wildly successful everything is great dream and even that was terrifying. I dont know. I also think sometimes when a therapist asks that its a trap. This is what my normal life would look like and then they respond oh really? And suddenly therapy now is all guided toward that one goal.

[Findingjoy1795]

Originally Posted by Caretaker Leo

Interesting topic. Yes - I've felt, and for some issues, still feel scared about getting better. I think it is the unknown about how to handle life differently. I "know" my current way of living and what I can do to get myself through situations. I don't yet "know" if I will successfully handle life if I can't fall back on what currently is. This is likely due in part to have grown up with a lot of pressure to succeed. A form of perfectionism, I guess.

100% yes. I've gotten so used to it I don't remember what life was like before the mental health part took over. Fear of the unknown and perfectionism are crazy high for me too. So good to know I'm not alone! Thank you.

[Findingjoy1795]

Originally Posted by Random

I feel like this all the time too. Ive had therapists ask me what I imagine my life would look like if I was normal and even the question gives me anxiety. I've been like this so long that normal is hard to imagine but Ive daydreamed some and tried to find a normal I would be happy with and I couldnt. So I daydreamed about wildly successful everything is great dream and even that was terrifying. I dont know. I also think sometimes when a therapist asks that its a trap. This is what my normal life would look like and then they respond oh really? And suddenly therapy now is all guided toward that one goal.

Yes! Whenever people (therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, mostly) ask what my goal is, or what I see "better" as, I just stick with the generals. I'll focus on relationships, not be afraid of food, blah blah blah, etc. what's expected. But in reality I don't even know how to comprehend a life like that.
Thankfully I brought this all up with my therapist today, and she reminded me that it's not one big leap from "sick" to "recovered." I can do little things each day to gradually improve. And that's way less scary to me than thinking long-term. Even if it is still terrifying. Honestly, my therapist was really supportive about it, even when I told her I sometimes felt close to giving up on "recovery" all together.

[lookinforhelp]

I have had 3 major experiences in my life with mental illness. I am Borderline and have had major depression off & on since I was about 16 yrs old. I am now 58. My first experience was a depression diagnosis,

Possible trigger:

physical abuse from parents and molested by sibling.

Parents didn't believe in mental health. I didn't tell anyone about being molested. was put on medication, but my parents didn't allow me to continue care. my second experience was brought out when I had a baby with and married a guy who liked to come home and

Possible trigger:

beat on me after he hung out at the bars.

That's when the BPD was diagnosis'd along with major depression & PTSD. I was hospitalized a few times along with IOP and medication. A divorce, a new job and about 4 yrs of medication and therapy. and life was ok again. I had a pretty normal life that got even better when I was promoted and relocated with the company I worked for. I remarried and life was wonderful for about 19 yrs. Then company closed down the office that I worked in and I became unemployed that started my 3rd episode. Many other things continued to happen that negatively impacted my life situation. that was 2005 I crashed big time, talk about hitting Rock bottom. don't even know how much time I spent in the hospitals. I was an accountant and now I can barely handle my own checking account because of the damage I've caused to my mind and body. I have up and downs. it seems that now the downs don't go as far and the ups come up farther each time. I am having difficulty with the same questions, what does my life goal look like. I don't have an answer, I had 19 wonderful years of an almost perfect life and I would LOVE to have that back again. that's not a possibility. I can't work, so I hang around home. I am better than I was in 2005/2008 but my memory doesn't work right. Being on a fixed income doesn't allow me to do much to meet other people and do things.

[lizardlady]

Originally Posted by Findingjoy1795

Yes! Whenever people (therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, mostly) ask what my goal is, or what I see "better" as, I just stick with the generals. I'll focus on relationships, not be afraid of food, blah blah blah, etc. what's expected. But in reality I don't even know how to comprehend a life like that.
Thankfully I brought this all up with my therapist today, and she reminded me that it's not one big leap from "sick" to "recovered." I can do little things each day to gradually improve. And that's way less scary to me than thinking long-term. Even if it is still terrifying. Honestly, my therapist was really supportive about it, even when I told her I sometimes felt close to giving up on "recovery" all together.

I used to get frustrated when my therapist asked what I wanted. I couldn't articulate it. I'd answer in generalities like you do. Then one day I took pen to paper and made a list (I'm big on making lists). Doing that I was able to be more specific.

As someone said, healing is a process. You don't go from not well to healed in one leap, it comes in a thousand baby steps. Something that also helped me was to celebrate those baby steps. The "celebration" doesn't have to be a big deal. It can be as simple as acknowledging your own growth. Some times I'd buy myself a candy bar, just something to recognize that you made progress.

[88Butterfly88]

I have had similar feelings. One thing that helped me is knowing I can still go to therapy after I heal if I choose. It's good to know my support system won't vanish once I heal.

[Findingjoy1795]

Originally Posted by 88Butterfly88

I have had similar feelings. One thing that helped me is knowing I can still go to therapy after I heal if I choose. It's good to know my support system won't vanish once I heal.

I think that's one of my biggest concerns. I had a therapist in the past who was super helpful but dropped me suddenly (i.e. Refused to see me) and I'm constantly afraid my current therapist is going to do the same thing. When she thinks I'm doing better is she going to say I don't "need her" anymore? At this point, I can't imagine going without that support. Though I guess that's where some of the healing comes in. Maybe someday I'll be ok without her.