Should my 20 yr old stepdaughter move in with us?

I don't understand what good it's going to do to move up here honestly. Instead of living with her mother, and I don't know what goes on in their house, she'll move up here to live with her father who smokes pot on a daily basis, drinks everyday-to the extreme some days, spends his free time playing video games and watching movies rather than doing any household stuff (projects are half done because he loses interest or realizes he really can't do them), and takes unpaid days off on a whim either because he's tired or a customer or coworker pissed him off. And when a customer or coworker pisses him off, he will sometimes take a week off and maybe call in once the whole time and yet never gets fired or gets a talking to. And he wants her to get away from everything down there to come up here and what, be motivated by him??!! Show her his values?? He talks big about how he wants her to stop smoking so much pot, but no doubt they'll be smoking it together because he won't enforce anything. He'll have no problem with her drinking underage even though he has told her she needs to watch it because his father was an alcoholic and so is he. When she came up with her friend a month ago, he told them to feel free to finish off the whiskey and gave her a rolled up joint!

If something is hard for him, he's not going to follow through. He'll tell her once to stop all the shenanigans, but after that he'll be like "Well she's going to do it regardless so whatever". He complains that her mother is pulling her in all directions which is why she's stressed out, yet he keeps telling her to go into the army or come up and work in the motorcycle shop with him. He's stressing her out telling her to do stuff just like her mother. Does anyone care what she ACTUALLY wants to do??

Do you actually like or love your husband? It doesn't sound like it. Considered a divorce?

I mean, you seem to be annoyed at your stepdaughter because she acts like your husband. You don't want to have your SD live with you because she acts like your husband. It would make sense if you wouldn't want your husband living with you, either.

I see folks are tackling your marriage, which I don't think is what you had in mind, did you? I can see their point, though.

Our 26-year-old son is living with us this semester--and he lived with us for awhile when he was discharged (medically) from the service. We are going to have him pay some rent, plus do some work for us. He is working part time while finishing his Master's.

It does occur to me that your SD has your hubby as a role model. Has he always smoked pot or has that been more recently? Do you have somewhere else you can live for awhile if your SD moves in with you? Sounds like hubby and SD need a wake-up call. It's a shame they are more than happy to take advantage of you. I hope the SD gets to work somehow. The Army would certainly help grow her up! I gather your hubby hasn't asked her what she wants to do.

I honestly think you could benefit from some counseling. It has certainly helped any door-mat issues I used to have.

He has always smoked pot and he has always drank. I think he thinks whatever she wants to do doesn't matter to him because he thinks she should do something else. TO him she either needs to go into the army or work at the motorcycle shop with him. I mean she wanted to be a nurse, probably because that's what her mother is, but then she got such anxiety from that and then decided she wanted to be a pharmaceutical nurse, but then didn't. Now she is thinking a dermatologist, but I'm sure that won't pan out with having to go to Med School. If she can't handle nursing because of anxiety, she certainly won't be able to handle Med School. Plus that requires a lot of schooling which she doesn't seem to be fond of. She said she wanted to learn a trade and when H asked what she said farming. Well okay, that's not going to happen. She has always enjoyed drawing, but I'm not sure where that will take her.

And there's no plan if she moves up here. H won't set any time limits on her. If he's not going to enforce anything then I'm certainly not going to spend my days telling her to get on with her life. I take on the brunt of everything else with and around the house (bills, cleaning, groceries, yardwork). If I could be assured that she would be enrolled in school full time, working part time, helping out with bills and a deadline for when she'd be out, I'd be a lot more on board with it, but he won't enforce any of that. Sure he'll tell me he will but when he doesn't and I start getting agitated he will say "Chill out! She needs to take time to figure out what she wants to do".

We were out at a bar yesterday to watch the game and this very nice lady sat next to us and we started talking. She asked if we had kids and I said that H had a daughter so she turned to him and asked how old she was. H said "She's going to be 20 next month but she lives with her mom. I think she should move up here, but she doesn't want to". So you freely admit to some stranger that she doesn't want to move here so why are you pushing her to do so??

Sounds like a no-win situation for you if things stay like they are, then. How can we help? Even if you told him that all these folks at Psych Central said she shouldn't move in, then that wouldn't matter.

We feel for you, but as you know, sweetie, only you can do something for your mental and emotional health. (I live three hours away from my mother. She is a narcissist and I was emotionally abused as a child.)

Sorry, I'm just venting, which I'm known to do here.

I can use the analogy of him wanting a dog in regards to him wanting his daughter to move here. We have 4 cats and live in a 1000 sq foot house. It's small. I love animals, but we do NOT need a dog right now! Every time he comes across cute dog videos online he wants me to see them. Has even (without my knowledge) sent emails to rescues when he sees a cute dog asking them if they could hold one until we had time to drive out and see it. Last week I saw a message to a guy on Facebook where he asked him where he got his French Bulldog puppy because he's been trying to convince me to get one but I'm not a dog person. The guy never responded. Then a few days ago he says to me "Yeah we don't have room for a dog". Wow, where'd that come from? For years you've been trying to convince me to get one and now all of a sudden you say we don't have room for one. See when you THINK about stuff, you realize it won't work! It's not that I'm not a dog person, it's just 1) We have 4 cats 2) dogs take a lot more work than cats and guess who will end up picking up it's poop and taking it for walks? 3) We have a fence that is about to fall down and has pieces of boards broken off where a small dog can get out, not to mention a gate that has a gap under it 4) We have a pet door that would have to be closed all day while we were gone so that the dog wouldn't get out, which would mean the cats would either have to be inside all day or outside. Of course he says "Oh I'll fix the fence" and "We can leave the pet door open all day. A small dog can go out and run around the back yard while we're gone. He won't get out". No! You can't let a dog just run willy nilly in and out of the house for 8 hours while we're not there! He wants something and thinks about all the consequences AFTER he gets it and then goes "I guess we should have made all these repairs beforehand".

Just venting? I thought as such.

I'm sorry for the way he's acting...it's not okay. But you can't really compare wanting a dog to wanting your child. I know it's easier said than done but if this is such a problem you always have the option of leaving.

Well I was getting at that he says he wants something without thinking ahead about all the changes it requires. Just the fact that he wants it now because he wants it. He doesn't think about the fact that more money will have to be spent on food and the water bill and she'll need her own vehicle because her car down there doesn't run, and he won't have the privacy he has now.

And the fact that he says he's going to do something, gets excited about doing it talks non stop about it and then he doesn't do or go to the thing. Like this one coworker wanted to go to a concert and asked H to go with him. H was totally stoked to go. They bought tickets 4 months in advance. H was excited about the show for months. The day before the show he and this guy were talking about what time to leave work and if they'd grab a bite to eat beforehand. H was really upbeat about it after talking to him. The next day, the day of the concert he sends me an email from work saying "I told Ken to give my ticket to his daughter and take her. I don't feel like going". Money wasted.

He paid $60 for a cooking class at Sur la Table. Was totally stoked about going and then forgot about it because he didn't read a reminder email that came to him. Called the company to see if he could instead go to another class and they said they usually don't refund money or allow someone to just take another class if they miss it but they did for him. The class was 2 weeks later and he was all excited about going. The day of he decides "Nah I don't feel like leaving the house". More money wasted.

Today he was going to go play guitar with his coworker. He's been practicing for 3 days now saying he needed to practice so he'd be good to play with the guy. Last night told me he was going to go over there fairly early and they'd jam and then go have lunch and jam some more. I talked to him an hour ago asking if he's going over soon. He says "Nah, I'm going to stay home and work on my motorcycle".

Do you see the pattern? The constant excitement about something and then at the last minute deciding that he doesn't want to do it after all. That's how I see it with his daughter. The whole hype about how much fun she'll have up here and they'll do all kinds of things when, in reality, it will be him saying "I'm going to be playing video games all night so you'll have to amuse yourself".

Mapper you are going on and on about what your husband said, what he does or doesn't do. Your step daughter, and her litany of behaviors and problems.

If you are just venting then that's ok. If you want someone to tell that it's a good idea to let your SD live with you.... I doubt that's going to happen.

It doesn't sound like you are ready to address the root problem here...your behavior and accepting unacceptable behavior in others. All I'm hearing. I can't ....I can't handle anger, I can't handle confrontation.... I can't ....I can't..... can't....

Nothing in life stays the same. If you don't make some changes, it's going to get worse....and then a lot worse.

I agree with Shazerac.

OK so perfect example of WTF! Last weekend I heard more than once that H was going to drive down to see that movie with SD this Sunday. You know, the one he said would be fun and then a few days later said looked stupid and he didn't want to see, but he would still go down. Drilling into me about how she should move up here. About how she is struggling. Here I am freaking out about him having a talk with her about living here. They haven't spoken in a week and last night he says to me "So do you want to go down to that bar on Sunday afternoon and watch the football game?" Ummmmm okay? Obviously totally forgot about going down to see SD! Doesn't mean he won't remember today but acts all high and mighty that she needs direction and he's the one to show her but totally flakes on going to see his SD he sees like twice a year! THIS is why she doesn't need to move here. Total disregard for doing things that seem so important to him one day and the next he'd rather go to a bar!

This is the exact attitude he'd have towards her. He'll have the best intentions of putting her on the right path, but after a couple of times of her not following through he'll just go "We're going to go to a bar, you can do what you want".

You should try journaling and then looking back on a monthly basis to what you've written there. "Venting" doesn't seem to improve or change the situation in any way except providing you an audience for these complaints you have. That's not helpful to you and it isn't helpful to anyone reading.

What exactly do you want, Mapper? Do you even know? I'm confused

Like I said before, just venting.

But this is the Q&A section...

You would benefit from a blog or journal.

If you just want to vent, perhaps it would help others if you didn't phrase your "vent" as a question. When you ask a question people tend to attempt to help and answer your question.

I'm not going to bother with going back through all your posts at this point, but I don't recall you saying. "Oh I'm just venting" until your 2pm post today.

True, Mapper. Perhaps a post labeled "venting" would have been the way to go. We really did try to help you out.

I think if your are hesitating about this you know it is the wrong thing to do already

Well, I like to get everyone's opinions.

Just for validation or are you actually planning on doing something to improve your situation / marriage / life?

Since you pay everything, divorce him and go on a 3 week cruise. Problems with both solved. Just sign on the dotted line.

Or... never mind your just venting

excuse me but I think you have the words opinion and attention confused. You got a lot of ATTENTION. Many good people put a lot of thought, time, and effort into their answers and tried to help you.

When a few of us pushed a little and asked ok, are you going to do something or are just gonna complain and insist that you can't change. You then said "oh I'm just venting." We pushed back on that and now you say "oh I want opinions" WHY? You have pretty much made it clear now that you don't intend to do anything. Do think we just like talking to hear our heads rattle?