Unhappily married

So I've been married for 17yrs now. We have 3 kids 2 of which are teenage girls and my son is 11 yrs old. I'm not happy anymore. I've gotten to the point where I've told him that I don't love him anymore. He verbally abuses me and the kids and my self esteem has always been low and I feel he uses that too his advantage. I want out. I don't want to be married too him anymore but I'm so scared of life that I don't want to be alone. A single mom with 3 kids, Who's going to want me. I'm so sad and very unhappy.

"Who's going to want me?"

That's something for you to work on right there...

Perceptions are powerful... And seems from this statement that you don't believe you can be alone.

How about taking a step back and just deciding you need to leave your husband because its best for you and your children.

Try not to jump the gun and stress over finding another man, the goal is to be free of the current one, not to swap him out for an upgrade.

Sometimes you need to learn how to be on your own before you can get back into relationships, especially if you want them to be on more equal and less abusive terms. Otherwise you could just repeat the pattern. Been there, done that. Enjoy being you.

If you are unhappy and he is abusing the children then it is best for you and them to get out. Of course you are going to feel apprehension in doing this. Change is hard but leaving is going to be better for you and your children. Children know when their parents are unhappy and it affects them. Also, you won't find someone new unless you are separated, you'll find someone who truly loves you when you are single. It's a scary thing to do when you've been married a long time but ultimately may also be the best thing you ever do. Either that, or you go for marriage counseling but it sounds like it's too late for that.

Leave him, it's the best thing to do.. at least you won't suffer because of it. You can think later about finding a new husband

"Who's gonna want me?" Been there....done that.... sounds like you're in a toxic relationship. You're abusing YOURSELF when you accept abuse and that's a big hit to your self esteem.

Also, buy accepting abuse, you are setting an example for you're children that abuse is acceptable. Do you want them to grow up with that legacy?

They could very well grow up get in a toxic relationship, and 20 years from now, they'll be on a forum in pain.

I don't know enough about you're marriage to know what to tell specifically what to do. Even if I did, it's still not my place to say.

Do YOU think your marriage is fixable? Have you tried marriage counseling? Even just for yourself? You can learn ways to respect yourself, and as a result begin to demand that you be treated with respect. Couples can fall into a pattern of abuser/ abused. It's a role play. You're both playing a part. Try changing the script.

(((hugs)))) Do you have a therapist? Abuse eats away at our self esteem even more, and it gets worse over time. Seems you could use some therapy to help you work on your self esteem and to help you get out of this abusive relationship.

Being alone after 17 years... yes, I can imagine it's very scary, but as someone else said above, don't worry about finding someone else right now. The most important thing is to stop accepting the abuse, get out of the relationship, take care of yourself, protect yourself and work towards healing YOU. Please believe that you will be OK and just fine on your own if you leave. (((more hugs)))

golden eve has excellent advice. Speaking as someone who stayed in a bad marriage for 20 years...please get out for yourself and for your kids. It will be scary at first but you'll start feeling better and better and your self esteem will slowly start rising. You're not happy. Life is too short and you deserve someone worthy of your time and attention. I hope you come to a decision that brings you peace and healing.

If it were me, I'd rather be alone and scared than scared with someone who hurts me and my family.

Hello Lostbeauty

I haven't been on here for a while, but logged on today & your post is the first one I read. I cried as I read it because it describes my situation. Im afraid I have no answers - I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. There are sound points made by other members about looking after you & your children & giving yourself the chance to find happiness. I don't disagree. But I do know how impossible it feels to actually do that in real life.

I have been unhappily married for many years. I am eaten up by the guilt of the legacy that my lack of self respect & self esteem to have the balls to leave is having & will have on my children. And yet still I do nothing which creates it''s own guilt & so the cycle continues.

I hope you find the strength to do what is right for you. Everyone deserves to love & be loved.

Looks like you've received all the usual, reasonable advice so I want to suggest something else...
Because you've expressed you are not comfortable with the thought of leaving, at this time...
Here goes, it's a test with alot of role playing and often the results are very surprising:
Think back to a time when you felt really good about your husband- a time when you naturally felt loving, passionate and really liked and respected him. Next pick a time/place to be completely alone with him and treat him the way you did back then (flirting, kind, complimentary words, and as sexy and enticing as you can possibly be). Your goal is to make him feel that you intensely want and live him...
I know you might say it would be impossible to act that way towards him, but force yourself, even if you're being a complete actress.
Maybe set a time limit in advance (like an hour) if you feel this test is not something you want to do.
-- Next, let me know how you feel about him during this time
and more importantly how he responds to your flirting/passion game.

If there's nothing good (not likely) it will help you towards the path and preparation of leaving him.

If he treats you positively and lovingly, back, it could be the beginning to steering your marriage to how it was intended to be.
(A partnership that cares for, supports + respects each other).

Honestly, you have nothing to lose.

And if you can rekindle some of the feelings that attracted you to each other in the first place,
I'm fairly certain his mean or abusive behavior or anger will quickly decrease or subside (make your home life much better and/or set a new base to work out some of the negative interactions you developed in your marriage.

Again, if you felt leaving was what you wanted to do I would not suggest this, but since you're staying it certainly is worthwhile to test if there's any good feelings, love and attraction left to rekindle and grow for the future.
Sure beats being miserable, sad or feeling like you're being treated terribly.
Good Luck