[radio_flyer]

............And I am wrong. I think AJ thinks his dad and I are his slave. His rage towards me is uncalled for. I did cower when he flipped but something inside of me stood up and said in a very calm voice, that I will never ever cower to him again. He strikes me or he throws anything at me, I will never cower again.........His rage will not frighen me again...

SO I humbly admit that the kind folks here were right and I have been wrong.......I am the one that tries to see good in everything/everyone. Actually there is good in everyone, but there is also some things not so goood in some folks............

Hello, radio_flyer. I am very sorry this is happening. I hope AJ gets help and you stay safe.

[kitty004567]

I'm sorry to hear that but I'm glad you've decided to stand up for yourself

[SunnyD]

I am coming late to the party but has he been physically abusive to you or his dad?

[lonegael]

Stay safe, Radio. Get help aas soon as you can.I am so sorry that it got to this point. HUUUUUUUUGGGGGGSSSSSS

[ECHOES]

I went through very similar things with my son. I finally had to insist we have lots of space between us. I insisted he move and become independent. It was harsh and worrisome at the time, and now he is doing much better and values things he has to work hard for. We always had a good relationship at the core, like you and AJ do, and that came shining through when the opportunity to make me his target of rage was taken away; we have a nice adult loving relationship now. He still has trouble dealing with things sometimes and used to call me to rage; it took a few calls where I had to say calmly and firmly that he couldn't do that anymore, that his threats to harm himself were abusive to me and that if he felt that way he needed to go to the ER. A few times I had to disconnect when he would continue. But eventually, when he understood that we can talk about anything, but I won't accept his rage anymore, in any form, we got to where we both wanted to be. And more life experiences like working and more social contact helped him. He has received mental health help since he was a teen, and he continues that.

I really admire you for knowing the kind of relationship you want with AJ, and letting him know what's acceptable to you and what isn't. It is a hard thing to do, especially when it is a relationship that has been going in one direction for a while, and you want to change that direction.

[Skully]

(((radio flyer))) Hope things work out for the better!

[radio_flyer]

........What came to mind this morning was monkey see monkey do. Did not feel like being the nice little person this morning as I pretty much "ignored" AJ when he came down to eat. I was making this chicken helper with pasta, but didn't have chicken cooked so I used hamburg, but that isn't important. I pulled out this Emeril Green spice, which I have never used before and really didn't know what food to use with this spice. So I just sprinkle a bit on the pasta and turned my back on AJ. Out of the corner of my eye, AJ was getting a pinch of the spice for his pasta too...Had to hold back from laughing and had to bite my tongue because I did not want to say out loud monkey see, monkey do......
..............But then another though ran through my mind. As I could hear AJ's dad in the far back of my mind, screaming and intimadating me when we were married. I was feeling the same today as I did when I was married, which happened to be "miserable". Not that I find "yesterdays" important today, I did feel a sense of "familiarity". And the monkey see, monkey do applied to the "yesterdays". Although we are now divorced, yesterdays are gone and I get along great with AJ's dad now. And certainally don't want to rehash old feelings. But AJ's shadow, "his dad" is the now "today". Which isn't so funny now when thinking of the monkey see, monkey do ..................

[radio_flyer]

Echoes.... I am thinking part of AJ's rage is due to him knowing he isn't doing what he should be doing and should a discussion be around anything that he has "procrastinated" he flips out. Or if the discussion has anything to do with asking him to do anything, he also flips out....I am tired of walking on egg shells....I honestly feel he would feel a lot better about himself if he would just work. I know when I am "busy" if it is just pulling weeds in the yard, just doing "something" I am in a much better mood....

Is good hearing that things worked out for you and your son. Sure makes life a lot easier when "family" can enjoy each other's company. I too, think AJ would be a lot happier if he "worked" and became more self sufficient.. His dad's sister's friend is waiting for AJ's resume. He has been waiting for two or more weeks...

Just lost my "frame of thinking" on this topic. WIll have to come back when my mind returns...

[radio_flyer]

Oh, I just wanted to add... I know AJ's feels bad when he flips out at me. This is the first time in several months this has happened.. He knows it is wrong and he knows how bad it makes me feel.

Awhile back he told me he knows he is wrong how he sometimes treats me. He said he would try to do better, which he has. Like I mentioned above, it has been maybe 4 months since he last vented at me....But one time is even too much. One doesn't have to go into a "rage" to get their point across.. Anyway, not making excuses for him.. Just thought it was important to add this...

[lonegael]

It's good that you can see the difference between understanding him and making excuses for him. There is probably a good amount of "monkey see, monkey do" going on with AJ. He needs to handle his bad feelings without making other people responsible for them, which is what he does when he blows up like that when he feels others make him feel bad for procrastinating. Letting him stand on his own sounds like a good idea. sometimes even when stuff like with his father is not in one's background, living together with a parent can be very trying and difficult. I love my mother, but she is very, very triggering for me and we can have terrible fights. We do best living at a distance and visiting. That way we can take responsibility for ourselves and not give into trying to manage each other, or get involved in each other's emotional life. (not saying this is what is going on with you and AJ)
Take good care of yourself, Radio. HUGGGGS

[kikki27]

Originally Posted by radio_flyer

............And I am wrong. I think AJ thinks his dad and I are his slave. His rage towards me is uncalled for. I did cower when he flipped but something inside of me stood up and said in a very calm voice, that I will never ever cower to him again. He strikes me or he throws anything at me, I will never cower again.........His rage will not frighen me again...

SO I humbly admit that the kind folks here were right and I have been wrong.......I am the one that tries to see good in everything/everyone. Actually there is good in everyone, but there is also some things not so goood in some folks............

Awww hugs sorry about thatyou dont have too take his crap

[ECHOES]

Yes, my son felt bad too. And the in between times were very enjoyable.
But it took physical separation for him to work through it. I was always a phone call away, but I could control how I was treated when it was by phone.

I think a person's rage can be about a lot of things. When kids are little and living in scary situations (like when parents fight with one another and yell and worse, or when one parent [me] is emotionally unstable and displays rage and an inability to cope), it is not just that the child learns by example, I think the child is soooo scared that they feel like yelling at the time but of course they can't; I think that rage gets buried. And I think when that child is trying so hard to become an adult and it feels overwhelming and frightening, rage is the response to push the world away because it is just too scary on one level.

[lynn P.]

(((radio flyer))) - I'm sorry you're going through this with your son and you're smart to make the correlation between how he is now compared to how your ex was when you were married.

Since you're willing to open up to opinions. I think AJ might be a bit spoiled and needs to fend for himself. As long as you and your ex give him a place to live, cook, clean - he won't learn personal responsibility. You seem like such a nice person and it's hard to realize you might be enabling him. Maybe he learned some of his behavior from his dad IDK. I wonder what of husband he'll make? It's very good you're realizing this radio flyer.

[radio_flyer]

Thanks kikki

[radio_flyer]

Echoes...... Your comments on "rage" stuck a note.......thinking back when AJ was small..."before the divorce" and then "during and after the divorce"...AJ has seen his father rage and be threatening towards me when he was young. He even jumped on his dad's back trying to get his dad off of me when he was in the 4th grade....He's seen his dad cuss and flip out at me several times before the divorce....

Even tho AJ saw this, we "had" always were close.....He never vented his anger at me.. During the separation AJ was very withdrawn and he needed someone to talk to and that is when he started therapy. Odd thing is I always thought he started therapy right after the separation, when he was in the 4th grade. Turns out after reading some paperwork that he started therapy when in the 6th grade... Seems I lost two years somewhere, but am thinking it is due to being overwhelmed. Not even a fog, there is nothing for the two years...... geesh my own thread triggers memories... will take the therapy years to the therapy section.

Ha... keeping on focus is hard.. I don't know what I am trying to say right now . lol
When in doubt, time to stop and think and be quiet...

[radio_flyer]

Thanks lynn... I am always open to opinions. Sometimes it takes awhile for "opinions" to sink in... Sometimes I might "react".. when I should just be listening. Sometimes I get it right away.. Best way, in my opinion, is hearing other's point of view, opinions... Take it all in... And keep what fits.. But that isn't always a good idea.. Sometimes the stuff we don't keep might be the most important because resistence takes hold...

[radio_flyer]

Oh I just wanted to add, that generally I am kind, but have been known to be "difficult" too.. Sometimes it can be very hard to get along with me. Most often I am very easy to get along with... I am not controlling or vile.. Guess I can be a complicated "me"... But then I think most folks have different sides when triggered or happy or whatever.... Thinks "variety" is what makes most folks tick???

[radio_flyer]

Ha.. not sure how I turned all of this towards me, so back to the topic of AJ

Yes, AJ is very spoiled. He lacks pride in what he has. But then he hasn't earned anything as everything has been given to him, so there can't be pride in self for accomplishing or ownership or much of anything.. What isn't "earned" can't be self satisfying......

[radio_flyer]

.............Oh again I wanted to add... This stuff with AJ's dad when we were married well, we didn't get along after a few years. We were both young, late 20's, both selfish and unwilling to "communicate". I can say when he cussed at me I sometimes giggled because of his accent. I did not understand his culture and he did not understand mine, so we clashed in many areas.....

The last l0 or more years we get along great. He has never raised his voice to me . I have I am sure angered him, yet he never vented or intimated me. He has always been honrable towards me over the past 10 years... We both have maybe "grown up"...Is about time as we are both seniors ..

Actually AJ's dad changed a lot over the years. He really turned into one of the "good guys".. I can even say I respect him now, whereas when married I could not say that...

I only added this because I don't want to paint a picture that AJ's dad is this awful person. I can say that during our marriage, we both were wrong. I tried in my way and he tried in his way and it just didn't work.........Unfortunately, AJ was caught in the middle..