Daily Comments #5- Just place to plant your thoughts. No feedback required.

I feel like a failure. Kids prefer their dad, schoolwork is mediocre and lately half-a$$ed, bf prefers to work on himself, I have no true friends because school is so demanding and I'm broke. Life is so miserable right now and with the holidays coming I don't know how to get out of this rut. It feels as if I'm in a black hole.

Today I am appearing to try but it's pointless and still will not acount for nothing nor amount nor make any difference to my existance or life. Part of me wan'ts to stop this all so very much yet my body cut's my mind off some how by not allowing my mind to cut short my existance still I lurk in the background the one big stain of a human am the only mark I will ever make in life is that of a mess and waste. I don't want to make any ark in life but to blissfully muddle on like most people do in a job as you do then get old ect. I can't even do that I don't even know why I put myself through this considering I don't want to and therefore I will always be horrible and of no good to anything or one. It's not like my lfie this that bad I can't short of get away with it I suppose but not for long... the hardest part is putting myself back out there properly and properly attemping life again.

Ya know what-f them and f that-If ya don't need it, ya don't need it. This is your life honey, not anyone elses. So live it how you best see fit. You know what you can handle and what is important to you. And if ya crash in the end, so be it. Ya lived, on your own and in the end that's all you got anyway-just you looking in the mirror-so do it-do it now and f the rest..

Quit your whining-for christ's sake

I would love to help but I am not getting anywhere. I am trying so hard to help a friend who speaks about not wanting to be here. I don't want to be the one thinking I'm responsible for people's actions. I'm not God. I feel like I have to solve everyone's problems. I don't mind talking to people but I can't save the world. I'm not superwoman. The media tells us we have to do something, we have to save the world and help people. I'm trying but it's not easy. I'm so frustrated right now.

New Tarantulas Coming!

Today I ordered two new tarantulas for my collection: Ephebopus murinus and Theraphosa blondi. I have never kept an E. murinus before but I have kept a few T. blondis in the past. My collection is much smaller than it used to be, and so I want to start building it up again, starting with the magnificent T. blondi!

Here they are! (Not my photos!)




The price I was able to order one at was fantastic! However, I still had some spider money left over, therefore I decided to order the E. murinus along with the T. blondi. I would have liked to order the Lampropelma violaceopes instead, because I would like to focus my attention more on Ornithoctoninae, but it was too expensive for me.

Here's some of my collection information (I've had lots and likely can't remember them all)!

1.0.0 = One Male
0.1.0 = One Female
0.0.1 = One Unsexed

Tarantulas:
0.1.0 Acanthoscurria geniculata
0.3.0 Aphonopelma seemanni
0.2.0 Avicularia avicularia
0.0.1 Bonnetina rudloffi
0.1.0 Brachypelma smithi
1.0.0 Brachypelma vagans
0.0.1 Chilobrachys fimbriatus
0.0.1 Chilobrachys huahini
0.1.0 Cyclosternum fasciatum
0.0.1 Cyriopagopus schioedtei
0.0.(1) Ephebopus murinus - Coming Soon!
0.1.0 Eucratoscelus pachypus
0.5.0 Grammostola rosea
0.2.1 Haplopelma lividum
0.1.0 Haplopelma longipes
0.1.0 Haplopelma minax
0.0.1 Haplopelma schmidti
0.0.1 Haplopelma sp.
0.1.0 Heteroscodra maculata
0.0.1 Holothele incei
0.0.1 Lampropelma violaceopes
1.2.0 Lasiodora difficilis
0.0.1 Lasiodora klugi
1.0.0 Lasiodora parahybana
0.0.1 Megaphobema mesomelas
0.1.0 Megaphobema robustum
0.0.1 Nhandu chromatus
1.0.0 Nhandu vulpunis
0.1.0 Ornithoctonus aureotibialis
0.0.1 Phormictopus atrichomatus
0.0.1 Poecilotheria regalis
0.2.1 Pterinochilus murinus
0.1.0 Theraphosa apophysis
0.2.(1) Theraphosa blondi - Coming Soon!
0.0.1 Xenesthis immanis

Scorpions:
0.0.5 Pandinus imperator
0.0.4 Hadrurus arizonensis
0.0.1 Androctonus australis
0.0.1 Androctonus amoreuxi
0.0.1 Leiurus quinquestriatus
0.0.1 Hadogenes troglodytes
0.0.1 Opistothalmus sp.

Centipededes:
0.0.6 Scolopendra subspinipes
0.0.1 Scolopendra subspinipes "Tiger Legs"
0.0.1 Scolopendra subspinipes "Vanuatu"
0.0.1 Scolopendra subspinipes "Mau Chau"
0.0.5 Scolopendra mutilans
0.0.5 Ethmostigmus trigonopodus "Blue"
0.0.1 Ethmostigmus trigonopodus "Yellow"
0.0.1 Otostigmus sp. "Indonesia"
0.0.1 Scutigera coleoptera

True Spiders:
0.1.0 Latrodectus bishopi
0.1.0 Latrodectus geometricus
0.1.0 Latrodectus hesperus

Millipedes:
0.0.2 Archispirostreptus gigas

Other Arachnids:
0.0.1 Mastigoproctus giganteus
0.0.1 Damon varigatus

(List does not include the species never identified or that I have forgotten about.)

Why doesn't he like me?!

I'm baking apple crisp tonight. I like to bake almost as much as I like to eat what I bake.

My friend hasn't done anything stupid. I feel a little bit depressed. I wish everyone was happy. But sadly, life isn't great all the time. But I'm talking to him and helping him.

Being "in love" is stupid.

In west Philadelphia born and raised
On the playground was where I spent most of my days...

I just want to crawl into a hole and hide from the world.

I keep waking up at 2, 3, 4, 5 am, refreshed, but no reason to get up so early..

Alarm goes off at 7am and I want to pull the covers over my head and go back to sleep. I drag myself out of bed, let the dogs out, feeling oo so tired. What a hoot!

Going back to bed... yawn

I'm tired of feeling good or at least in control one minute and like total crap the next.

I am seriously depressed. I am going to force myself to go out and do things. (I did not make it outside yesterday.) I am in a really bad way.

Excellent idea, Un. I will do the same, myself. Be very proud of the decision!

How big is that hole? Can I crawl in too?

Sometimes, you stumble upon someone you really like as a doctor. Too bad she is from a different town and just there to help out some of the patient load. I want her as my NP. *whines*

Everything is looking better since finally getting a shower! Clean sheets too! Life is good. Life is peculiar another person didn't do their paper work so the aid that used use to work for her was reassigned to me, I feel bad that happened but I really like having an aid that knows what to do. I tell myself since I only need someone temporarily when she gets it all worked out the aid can go back and we both win. Why can't I just feel good for me, without qualifying it? It's that self talk voice that is always there to tell me I'm not quite good enough for good things, but its OK when bad things are happening because thats what I deserve. I can complain but if good things do happen then I think it must be a mistake.

Who knows, who knows what will happen.

Thank you. There are so many people on PC that would make great friends, but I wonder if we see ourselves the way we see each other? We see a lot of good in each other, but not in ourselves. I hope you can see what a kind person you are to say and wish so much for someone else. hugs right back at ya.

Glad to be back in my own house.

Anyone know that ICP Song- I don't Care.

I know, ICP come on Beauflow, what am I doing....

But I have not heard that song in so long but today after reading some emails from my superdooper on just her needs of nip picking on someone (My turn now, she is done with first shift now on to me i guess)-- but I have had that part of

"If i were to pick it up- I would have to give a ****" really stuck in my head.



It is good in away, yes I should care, but not as I do some times- and right now- all my replies are: "ok" to her
- even though I could totally break down on how she is wrong in what she is telling me

Humbly me...

I wish boys actually liked me.

I wish I was a better student. I know I could change that but it is impossible for me because I cannot focus, even if my life depended on it.

I hate it when parents of young children scold other adults as if they are one of their kids. It is especially annoying in a professional work environment. Lady, you are speaking to a fellow adult (and an older one at that), do not speak to co-workers like they are your child!!

...and another thing...we don't need to hear "I have to go poo-poo" either!!