Daily Comments #5- Just place to plant your thoughts. No feedback required.

Today I am going to read dangit! Too much happened yesterday and I didn't get a chance to read my usual amount of pages.

People who are abusive, think nice people are weak, and are inconsiderate, and the list could go on, but people like that, that don't want to change, I really need realize they are in their own hell, and for me to just stop caring, but still wish them well.

My supervisor is still picking on first shift, and bad degrading picking on, I wish I could do something but I've done all I can do with my own issues with her by having meetings with management. And while validated, they claim nothing can be done.

I feel bad for first shift, basically in so many words was told ''I'm used to being abused by her'' today by them.

Never should hear that, let alone in the work place.

I'm sorry I see so much wrong and thinks it is wrong , but my voice only Carries so far on my own

Grrr, he can be so thick sometimes that he just frustrates me. There was no reason he couldn't just take the table and the few bails of hay I set out.

Now he calls and tells me I was right and he should have listened. Why is it that I have to experience this so many times? Now there is not enough room for all the bails he brought to her, and she still doesn't have the table.

Just venting here. This I am sorry you were right is just getting too old. THINK!!! for a change.

Open Eyes

So I saw people commenting and saying "oh you're beautiful soul and you're special". Oh for goodness, -.- What about other people? It makes me feel invisible. I'm just here in my little world. I do not have favourites since I'm sick and tired of people loving other people more than me. One of my friends thinks one of my friend is a greater friend than me. I remember that day when my friend said my friend who is a girl, is happier and a great friend. I guess I'm cold, boring and annoying.

I take the time out to be nice to the local fast food workers at my local McDonald's. What a nice group they are. It absolutely peeves me when people are so rude to them. Are they lesser humans because they work in fast food? Are you such a better person that you have the right to treat them like second-class citizens? I find it disgusting. Same goes for cashiers. One greeted a customer so nicely and asked how he was doing, and he said absolutely nothing to her. He ignored her as if she didn't exist. You know what man? **** you. What a sorry piece of worthless trash. He proceeded to exit and got into his nice new Mercedes and drove off. He must be such an important person. Look, I've worked in fast food and as a cashier, and it is not easy, but that doesn't mean I'm an idiot. Ever stopped to consider the fact that college degrees don't necessarily secure you a job in your field right away? Now that I finally have one, I feel horrible for these people when others are so awful. I hope karma comes around and beats the heck out of them. A lot of the time they're thankless jobs, but there are still some people out there that make it worthwhile. Like the guy that was having a blood sugar crash when I worked at Lowe's, so I went to the back and got him a Coke. He tried to tip me. He was so grateful and so nice, and he stuffed two dollars in my pocket. So I donated them to a fund we had in the store for the family of one of the employees who passed away suddenly. But I keep thinking, WTF is wrong with people that they can't be nice? They'll have to answer for that someday. Oh I'm just a cashier, derrr, I must be a total bimbo and not have the brains God gave a screwdriver.

Thoughts....what are those? I barely have enough brain power to write this statement. Thoughts? Figments of my imagination.

Rules are good yes. But you know you can't have rules for some and not for others! If you have rules you need to stick with them and not be wishy washy. It's really annoying if you suddenly change the goal posts to suit you! I spend ages sticking to the rules, remembering what the rule is and then poof! Suddenly you decide the rules have changed to suit you or someone else you feel deserves it! Please! I need to know where I stand. If you make a rule, stick to it, then I know and then everyone is treated fairly! *End of rant!*

I got myself moving today and yesterday. Yesterday I did 30 minutes on the elliptical and 15 minutes of strength training. Today I walked for an hour to get my steps up to 10,000. My eating is still out of control though.

Foster,

I love you dearly. So much that you will never know. I just wish that when I have the pillow empty you would come to sleep on me and not when I have just picked up the laptop or my kindle.

Tomorrow will be better <3

I'm so tired I feel like I'm about to fall asleep. I've been going to bed early, getting enough hours, so what's the deal? I'm sick, again, so maybe that has something to do with it. My fibromyalgia has been acting up, so I don't know sometimes whether it's that or whether I have a bug. Or both. I hate to complain because my family is always like God, you're always sick, don't you ever have a good day? If you have a good day I think I'll die of a heart attack.

Have you talked to a sleep specialist? Many things get worse if you are not getting quality sleep. When I had my sleep study done in 2004 the test found my sleep apnea and during the study I never once got to REM (Bad)

Chronic pain
Many don't believe pain until they discover it for themselves, then maybe they re-think the "Don't you ever have a good day?" question.

Picking up new spiders tonight!

All this pain is piling up & I can't tell mental from physical right now. Can't keep anything down all week, not even all the meds. Just lousy now, cry a lot. Oh well.

I hope my guardians will get over their sickness quickly...and not spread it to me *coughs*.

Very sad about the Conn. shooting of 27, mostly children in an elementary school. How does a human being end up wanting to kill so many or even 1 person????? My heart goes out to all involved in this tragedy.

YYZadd you are so right. More folks should get this checked out. If it's been a long time maybe its time for a re-evaluation. I had two sleep studies many, many moons ago. So when my T, and my pain specialist kept bringing it up I brushed it off. I don't have sleep apnea, so why do I want to go get all wired up and sleep someplace else? Wed I saw the sleep specialist and things have changed a lot, there are so many more things. He kept saying you scored SO high on the test. I don't really remember what I said, I just filled it out the best I could, there was almost 12 pages plus the 4 and half pages in my own words of my sleep history.

It was nice to talk to someone who "got it" when I tried to explain things like my difference between sleepy and tired, and to find out there's a known problem if you wake up in a dream but you can't move, you're paralyzed. That maybe all my dissociation might not be dissociation, I might be sleeping but nobody knows it!
So next Wed I go get wired up and try and sleep in a strange bed then I stay until 5pm the next day while they continue to monitor my brain during the day to see if I nap w/ my eyes open! Who knew.

To everyone out there w/ sleep problems and nightmares, there might be a reason. Apparently many sleep problems get diagnosed as psych problems, that doesn't mean I might not have both, but if they can help! I'll take it. If you can, try and talk to a sleep specialist. I'm taking prazosin now for nightmares, it's only been a couple nights but so far---all good Still not much sleep despite the ambian, but no nightmares. No carnivorous Victorian women!

I don't think anybody can understand chronic pain unless they live w/ it. I've always been very empathic but until I had chronic pain I didn't realize just how much it takes over your entire life. (((toki))) I think ((yyzadd)) is right about this one too, until somebody experiences chronic pain for themselves, they are just not going to understand the fatigue factor, or how large, small things can get.

I really want to take a scenic drive. I hate gas being $3.

I love driving and wish the Pacific Coast Highway was a Little closer to me

I am very confused right now. I woke up in the middle of the night with terrible sadness and a broken heart. It hurt so much. I will write about it on another post...I spoke with my mother yesterday. Our conversation really confused me and opened a very painful door.

I realized in the middle of the night...I am afraid to really "live again " and to allow myself to feel / be happy.

More in boundaries section.

ugh, i am sick today. must have caught a chill yesterday and it isn't helping that there is hardly any heat in my apt.

i have been feeling down and was in desperate need of a pick-me-up. i treated myself to a diet Coke yesterday and the day before. today, i am paying a big price due to my IBS. i cannot tolerate the acid in the soda even if i put a lot of ice in it. i am desperate for some simple thing that will pick up my spirits and help me feel better.

I heard that one of the teachers successfully hid her children before she was killed. A guardian angel, and beautiful she was too.

I felt bad for AJ this morning. AJ has been working out every night and watching what he eats, trying to shed some weight... He is losing, slowly but surely.....

SO AJ and his g/f come downstairs to eat and his g/f jumps on him about eating. He was just fixing his plate, small servings of leftover Chinese food and she starts saying watch what you eat in a cruel way. Then AJ got upset and went upstairs and she yelled you eat like a fkn pig..

Words can be so harsh. When angry folks spout the ugliest things. Including me, but I'm trying to watch my mouth because words do hurt...

Guess I felt bad for AJ because he has been trying.. Exercising every night and eating smaller portions.... Thinking she could have been more encouraging...shrugs shoulders

Sometimes I feel. . .unattractive

I'm smiling but I'm still feeling stubborn and hurt. I want to move on but my body won't let me. I'm not going on facebook for a few days. I will just try to live in the real world and I will catch up on my french and russian study. I forgive myself and I forgive others but I will try to ride this phase out. I will let it pass. I'm trying to be happy but really I'm not happy in side. I am still hurt. I don't want to go on facebook to suffer, yet again, another phase where I hurt people and myself. I have been questioning my own religious beliefs. I do not know why we are here to solve our purpose or missions. Is there a god who wants to see us suffer? But anyway, I'm fed up with my emotions. I know I am mentally ill and I need to be looked after. From what I've been through, yes I need people to be extra careful when they are around me. I'm glad I have work tomorrow. Only two working days and then I'm off on my holiday break. Yay