Daily Comments #5- Just place to plant your thoughts. No feedback required.

Calm, restrained and happy.......

er ah um...yeah.

Commentary? Nope. Jus' this...

Shimmy sham sham and a dibble doodle oh
A riddle doodle dee, just a whamma bamma so
all in a pot...justa jimma jamma mo'
and a kitchy koodle kee, to keep it down low

hey!what's f'supper mama...?
whatcha gots f'me?
a hoopah loopah soopah son,
jus' ywait n' see.

Which way to tin pan alley circa 192something?

The semester ends on December 11. Just under three weeks to go. I cannot wait!

Why do holidays generate dishes?

I had an amazing moment at work lastnight. I was taking boxes out and I told a coworker I had a sudden urge to just punch one of the boxes hard to open it. She said "Go ahead!"

In my politically correct paranoia, I asked "Really?"

"Sure! If you feel like punching the box, punch the box!"

So I hauled back and whacked that box open with all my might, and boy did that feel good!

"Feel better?" she asked me.

Did it ever! I have been trying so hard to be polite and passive and understanding all my life. Holding in my anger and trying to be patient all the time. This one little blow on the box felt so good.

I thank my coworker and the box for that wonderful moment of release I felt last night. Big difference in my moods today.

We all know what's important lmao

Yes, I tried to talk about that but what more can I say... People who have been sexually abused as children have to read that crap on a mental health website, it's not right! But this will get deleted.

Impotent roars...the plains echo nothing. A Hyena, emboldened, laughs from afar. Come closer...yes...closer. Surely the failing voice hints of fear...and infirm supplication...Closer! Nip again if you dare...can you be appeased once you've savored the taste? Surely victories feast rests behind your narrowed eyes...Closer...see how he lies...lax...lame...and alone.

Coiled inside...he waits. Closer beast...I've no voice for you true...but twice nipped shall see that craven laugh struck dumb. Narrowed eyes soon saucered will protest and mirror the fading light...There'll be no feast. Just a dessicated memory of torment lost in the grasses...a carcass covered by time...feeding weeds...forgotten.

Closer...

--seethe--

Since a funeral just happened days ago - unfortunately I learned something gross in the process. Now I'm grappling with - is it better to be like an ostrich with my head in the sand, pretending awful things aren't there......or to know the hard facts and be grossed out? Is it better to be naive or know the hard reality? My mind is swirling. What's been seen cannot be unseen.

I had a dream which opened my eyes quite a bit. keeping it short and to the point....a man in my dream was being romantic and funny and playful with my sons. I was pouring a bath looking forward to taking bath time to think about something and unwind. He jumped into the bath being flirtatious and silly and I became irritated at him for it. When I woke up, I realized that I have to lighten up and allow silliness into my life and stop the constant contemplation of the seriousness of things.

I really hate it when I am doing something or sharing something important to me and then some has to come along and insult either me, what it is that's important to me, or both. I don't ask that everyone like what I like or believe what I believe, but I would appreciate it if I can express or share something important to me without immediately thereafter receiving a barrage of insults or derogatory remarks, and maybe be shown the respect I show toward others.

Everyone knows that I raise exotic animals, such as tarantulas, and that I am passionate about this. Unfortunately, few others are able (or more accurately willing) to see the magnificence in these creatures, which I accept, but is it too much to ask that people keep that to themselves when around me or to not look at my photos instead of sending me hateful and rude comments on all of them?

Now let's look at some things I don't like: cats and dogs. Under no circumstances would I ever own or consider owning a cat or a dog; I find them almost intolerable. But when someone tells me a story about their cat or dog, I don't say, "Ewwww. You have a dog? Why? You should kill it!" (Not that I think that, it's an example, and it's what people say to me when they discover I keep spiders.). No, that would be ridiculous, absurd, offensive, and utterly rude, but I continue to listen to their stories, look at their photos, and respect what matters to them.

But with the interests that I have, not only with spiders, I feel like I shouldn't even tell people what they are because it seems nobody can shut up about their disgust and disapproval of what's important to me. I stopped reading in public and buying books in bookstores because it was always a challenge to be able to be in public with the books I like without encountering an issue with someone.

It's even true with education and careers. Telling someone I would like to become a bus driver almost always ends in their mocking, snarling, or other negative words or weird bodily expressions.

Does it make sense now that I so badly want a GF that I can trust and talk to freely? I would love to have someone in my life that can accept and respect me as I am.

I apologize. I needed to let this out.

Well, Mr V, I think your critters are fine. I find it refreshing that a little bit of spice makes life more interesting. I accepted that of myself and can tolerate that I don't fit anyone's measuring stick. This why I have difficulty with finding an acceptable T and pdoc.

yeah. shite happens...i spin. sick i suppose. the world becomes an enemy. people in it anyway. it's a tightrope walk with most at the best of times. someone i trusted in my life...one of the few friends in so called rl, decided to play games and put me in a very awkward position. in explaining my discomfort i was fkkg 'punished'. wow. i'm not so troubled with that as i am in allowing myself to be so blind. i ask little of anyone. i don't feel comfortable with that. hey...i have problems or i wouldn't be here. i'm a skeptic in this life. i trust little and when i do...well it's rare that i trust anyone. someone i trusted broke some rules...i can handle the immediacy of the problem resulting. i cannot however handle the realization that I'm in this position all due to my mental issues. this current situation is just another incarnation of life mismanagement courtesy of poor wiring shall we say. it makes me angry it makes me depressed it invalidates me. i should shrug and continue...without a thought backwards. that won't happen. it'll result in me putting up more bricks and remortaring the ones already up. i know that's wrong but that's the course it's always taken. this shite put me in a spin...i know the feeling...the blinders are on. i'm spinning. near everyone is suspect. enough to promote the guilt and matching despondency that i know so well. were i self reliant i would need nothing. but that's not right either. i have little now but i won't ask. i feel guilty to ask anything of anyone. @$@% it. Welcome to a few bad days johnny...and a few more bricks. don't say a god damned word anyone...i can't use it. but work on getting better the lot of you. it doesn't solve itself.

Good Morning Everybody! I hope today is better all the way around!

I am going to be in big trouble tomorrow. Or, I guess today, as it is after midnight. If any of you are praying people out there, would you give a little shout up to the big Guy, for FB? It would be much appreciated. Additionally, If there is a doctor among the members here, would you consider making a house call?

-Misused and Abused in the Mission, Fleeing Bellocq

I just got home from work and will soon get to bed for the day. One more shift tonight and then I am off work Monday and Tuesday nights.

I always thought I'd make a good doctor and certainly think house calls are good in treating patients.

Not sure what's going on FB, but prayers that you are safe and doing alright.

I wouldn't mind a little bit of Bailey's in my coffee right now as I watch the snow falling and the city snow ploughs moving.

Hey Nicks...looks pretty down there? It will soon I know that. Hugs and blankets.

I couldn't even enjoy my holiday off. I went out once yesterday, the rest of the holiday was spent inside. I watched TV, that was about it. I didn't even go outside. My foot hurts so bad. Collapsed arch, chronic tendinitis, plantar fasciitis, and I'm in constant pain. I can't bend that foot anymore except for the toes. If I move it, like trying to trim my toenails, it is excruciating. I wonder if there's something else going on in there, it seems an immense amount of pain for those three things, but then again, I'm not a doctor. This is when the booze and pills would come in handy.

On my way home tomorrow! Feeling good about it, I can tolerate being up and out of bed for a couple hours at a time, so much better than last week when an hour up started a domino collapse of my systems ending w/ me emptying my stomach of all contents. Theres still somethings up in the air but enough people will be coming to my house that I know things will get addressed eventually.

Looking forward to my bed and Sir. How mad is he going to be? It will be two full weeks since I walked out the door at 4:30 in the morning leaving Sir with my mom and aunt for 4 days then a neighbor has been stopping by to feed him. How much is he going to make me pay when I walk back in tomorrow afternoon? Cats have a way of letting you know they own you no matter what you might think. They let you do them the service of buying them food and toys!

I'm unsure of what social qualities I lack but I'm constantly aware that I miss much. My heart is there...but so much more is mired or missing. I feel as though many times I'm in masquerade, walking amongst the natives...I can pass in passing...little else. It's sad sometimes....often in fact. I dally with the locals...always a peripheral being. I don't get the rules...I have never understood why. Complex poop it is. Too much for me....today anyway. Adept at adapt not. This day anyway. Too introspective to belt out a round of oaths n' cusses either. I do that when I'm adapting. *grin*

Iron pyrite...filings of rust...crosslegged in the dirt I gamble
worthless riches
spill from the holes in my pockets
...I hear laughter as I scramble to save what I can

...but I'm playing alone
and the laughter's my own.

Pops,

One's periphery is another's perception depending on the direction in which they face.

You do not, nor have you ever, drifted on the border of my view.

You have always stood before me, the mark in which I am aiming, striding toward, with an unwavering focus I set steps. The others, dissolving, distorted visions falling at my flanks.

Certain in my direction, your,

-FB