Daily Comments #5- Just place to plant your thoughts. No feedback required.

I discussed this same feeling with my sociology professor, quiz, and it is actually a positive characteristic of people with observational skills. The ability to detach one's self, to stand outside the crowd and to observe objectively. It is a valued trait in social research.

Often, when one becomes immersed amongst others, we overlook many things that others on the periphery pick up. I am the same way and have always felt like I have been on the outside, looking in...wanting to be inside. I still wish to be with the crowd, now and then, but, I can also see the value of being in this position. We have our own special abilities to see perspectives others cannot. That makes us special too. I find many of your traits attractive.

Are there any miracles left in the world? I could sure use one right now. Like POOF, you're not sad anymore! On a lighter note, I'm finally of a sound enough emotional state to start getting my bills in order again. That does take a load off my mind.

Miracle #1
I made it to work early, in spite of a cranky daughter not wanting to go to school And an accident slowing traffic!

Haha, that would be a miracle indeed. I made it to work despite it being horrendously cold outside and feeling the need to bury myself under the covers! lol

I am getting more and more depressed everyday and it's getting more and more serious. I hate my life - every minute of it. I am lonely but don't want a lover. I am not good at making friends. Recently, I backed out of two online meetings with strangers - I just could not bring myself to do it. My self esteem is very low. I need love but am not good at sex and an not a touchy-feely person. I hate being gay - it undermines my needs. I have decided to give up religion and have no spirituality. Everything in my life seems to go wrong.

(((((((unguy))))))

I wish it were not this way for you.

After several hellish weeks of being unduly influenced by others and feeling like a doormat, I am seeing hope, realize I have real friends, and refuse to allow people to get to me anymore....or at least today (can't hope for too much).

Hey hun. I was in that frame of mind also a few years ago. The best thing to do right now is to focus on acknowledging that there are issues within, that need tending to first and a healthy relationship, be it family, friends, romantic or even pet, is best developed when you first take the time to tend to your needs for a healthier self esteem first. It is good that you did not go through with the meeting. You probably sensed within that you are not ready yet. I have found that over the three years I have been on here working through my issues, I am finally beginning to see things in myself that are enabling me to take steps forward and regain some optimism and still struggle to understand my disorder.

Now, as i recognize my individual distorted thought patterns as they happen or behavioural patterns that need to change in certain situations, I feel better about my progress and people are again beginning to see optimism in me.

http://sourcesofinsight.com/10-disto...king-patterns/ This little reference is a godsend for me when times get tougher. good luck

Planning my life, trying to find a job, have no money, and still trying to get my Driver's Liscense.

I wish my problem were as simple as distorted thinking patterns. Cognitive therapy has not worked for me. Not much at all. My problems go deeper than that and have to deal with long-term trauma and childhood neglect. I am the product of bad parenting. I have been turned down as a patient by therapists. There is no fixing me.

It all starts with you desiring to change.

Everybody hurts
Take comfort in your friends.
Everybody hurts
Don't throw your hand. Oh, no
Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

REM - Everybody Hurts

Recovery. Cure. Happiness. Slippery words hard to define. I shall do today what I can to function in a manner that makes my existence less difficult.

Sexual orientation can be changed? News to me.

What friends. I have no friends. I have never been a fun person. I was treated as an adult when I was a child and never learned to play. I am the kid that everyone bullies for fun. Now, I have PTSD. And, that's no fun at all.

Unhappyguy. No matter the roadblocks...it isn't about fixing. That's a damned misconception that seems to be promoted and we allow ourselves to believe it.

I think too many docs don't stress that the shite is best approached by acknowledging problems...understanding them....and then stressing adaptation...and not allowing the patient to think fixing. 'Fixing' is ********e.

The illusion of 'fixing' mood and personality disorders continues to ravage the psyche and has some patients always looking for a 'normal' that doesn't exist. Hence an ongoing anxiety and depression from never getting there. That crap just adds to the existing difficulties. Folks don't need it. Too many believe 'fixed'.

Oh yeah, on another note Nicks link looked pretty interesting. Worth a look. I saved that one. Thank you Nicks. Hey Unhappy...take it easy...things can change. If I may ask...are you getting any benefits from medication? It can help with some things and may take some perseverance and trying some different ones. Lessening the pressure of some symptoms may change outlook enough to affect other things that have been problematic.

There are ways to adapt man...meds can be a great start but not unless the best ones are found. Don't mean to be intrusive...just curious to know the options you've looked at. Maybe folks here can offer some angles you haven't thought of y'know?

Oh the graceful symmetry
Of two moving as one
Reaching out to guide our way
Through Hopelessness anon
Drawn to their dance I watch them
Gathering gracefully, twirling and lifting
Retreating, to come forth once more
As though curiously sifting
The calling echoes far beyond
Heard both near and far
Be careful not to frighten it or it will scratch your car
Beep beep beep as it backs up
Then drops with all its might
If those snow ploughs don't finish soon
There's no sleep again tonight.

I know that I am going to be sooooooo tired later not had a wink of sleep and I am supposed to be going to do some christmas shopping too

WARNING: THIS IS A RANT.

I am on meds for epilepsy and a heart beat problem. Because of my epilepsy, I am unable to tolerate most anxiety and anti-d meds which is just as well because I don't like feeling stoned anyway. Anti-d meds inhibit sexual function and do not help with my anti-sexual nature. Being gay is not for me because I don't fit in. In fact, I don't fit in anywhere. The more therapy I have to try to adapt the more I hate myself and the more depressed I get. I am tired of changing to please others. I was conditioned to be like this by a very cold, often cruel, controlling and angry mother and neglectful father. T's give me (questionable) advice that I don't want to do like sleep around and party but I don't know how to have fun. Sex with strangers does not make me happy. Love feels totally foreign; trying to connect with others raises complex emotional problems, in particular, it forces me to deal with the lack of love and closeness with my parents. Simple things like dating are emotionally overwhelming and totally unenjoyable. I find rejection in the gay community so I just stay home and isolate. Trying to adapt, with my background, just makes me miserable. T's say that eventually, I will adapt and things will get better but that has not been the case. I am tired of fighting my innate feelings. I have lost confidence in counseling.

Please, no more posting of song lyrics. As usual, today is the same. I am alone and unhappy. However, being alone is safer than trying to succeed with my lousy social skills.

((unhappyguy)) - I'm sorry you're so depressed and feel out of place in the gay community. I know you can't relate to the majorities lifestyle, but there are some who are looking for a real relationship. Would it be possible to concentrate on the friend aspect, based on shared commonalities.

I find all your posts very interesting and you think similar to myself on political issues etc. If I like you, then I know others will. Maybe you can meet a man with similar orientation, but stress you want friendship first. Would you be interested in volunteering for something you feel passionate about? When we're in the pit of pessimism, its hard to see any light or possibility for change. Forget about the sex part for now and if you communicating online .....focus on friendship being very important to avoid men who are just looking for sex only.

I've done the volunteer thing many times. They have been disasters. To make and keep friends, you have to know how to have fun. I have not been able to enjoy anything for a long time. I think the best thing to do is just to give up and that's what I've done. I no longer have any hope.

Sorry to hear that ((unhappyguy)). Have those volunteering experiences been with something you feel passionate about? Reason I'm asking is - if we group ourselves around something we love doing, we don't have to try as hard to fit in because all in the groups love the same thing. Do you have any hobbies or like to attend theater etc.? I don't want to pester you too much since you're down already. What I know for sure is, there's people here who care and like you. There was even a few times where your post was exactly what I was thinking, so there has to be people who'll like and enjoy being around you. TBH I don't like the party crowds either or the superficial conversations. For now its fine to accept your circumstances but don't give up on the hope of something getting better. Form friendships based on shared ideas and it doesn't matter if they're a man or woman or young or old.

For guys it's a different thing. Regardless of whether I am with straight women, straight men or gay men, if I am friendly they think I am looking for sex. Women seem to operate differently. Most gay men who are friends started as sexual friends which created an early bond even though they did not stay lovers.

The negative volunteering experiences were all for things I had a passion for. After the bad experiences, I lost those passions. I have no passions left to try.

I have a long history of social interaction problems.

ATM you're very discouraged with your life and can't see any hope. The more the person tries to think of solutions, the more depressing it becomes. It becomes a circle of frustration. This is when acceptance comes handy and doesn't mean giving up. It means going on with your life taking one day at a time. If you're meeting people online - could you start out by saying you're looking for friendship for now? Yes I agree male vs female thinking is different.

Damocles! Move th' friggin' throne!

...uhhh...that meant nothing at all 'cepting to me.