Family...

is it wrong for me to keep coming here for support...it doesn't feel wrong...I like to think of you all as my family...and I need my family to support me always...but when I make boneheaded mistakes it will be pointed out to me...and I know it isn't done with any kind of malice intended to hurt me...it is done out of love for me and for each other...the one thing thta has always been missing from my life is a sense of family...I didnt feel it when I was growing up...as a matter fact the greatest thing my own father did for me is was when he would stop the hitting when he saw blood...recently I have been thinking that I want to be apart of my own kids lives but do I have the right to want that or even deserve that chance...I left because i was terrified that I might be my father...they have a father who is strong caring and loving and he has raised them to be healthy responsible adults...which brings me to my problem as of late...right now it is only me who is hurting but if i make that phone call I could be destrying their worlds by popping back up again...it is a struggle and then reading about others here who have had father issues made me realize that I dont deserve to be apart of their lives and I guess thats why I am so depressed...it is too late to hold any of them in my arms or tell them how much I love them and that I left because I thought I was doing the right thing...but then I could've sought help instead of running...hindsight is always 20/20 isnt it...

It takes a brave person with a huge amout of love in your heart to make the choice you did. I'm not sure how many years it has been but I would suggest talking with the father first and then take then next few steps.

Mystry, all you can do is try. Make that call. Explain to them why you left. No expectations either way. "Today is the first day of the rest of your life."

My youngest son and I have been on the outs for a while. His name is John. I've been listening to 60's music all day. I heard "Johnny Angel". Used to tease him with it. I took the chance that his wife wouldn't intercept it and sent him the lyrics. Told him I was thinking about him.

That's all we can do, it give it our best shot.

I wish you all the best, Hon.

((((((((FROZENHEART)))))))))and(((((((((SEPTMORN))))))))))

Lyle... you know how I see it. Take action, Lyle! You need to know! You love your children! Just move forward in a gentle way... You can do this, my friend!

((((((((((((( Lyle )))))))))))))

((((POETRYLOVER))))

geez, i don't no why i came to THIS forum. and read THIS post. my gguardian angel must have bben nudgin me.

i had a teribly abusiv dad ggrowin up. he finly left whn i wwas 11. hit and missd for a long time. i had the typicl girl-growin-up-wtthout-dad issus. badly. we ddidnt re-conect til i had a famly of my own, and marryd an abusiv man. but i did hav 2 grate kids by then. my dad wwas sick and needed someone to kinda help him out. tho i was REELY mad, and had issus.....i was reely happy to hav him THERE. i had 8 tuff but grate yrs wth him bfor he died. and i sstill feel cheeted. but grateful.

make the effort. he almost wated too late. not just for himslf. but i almost died from cancer. how awful wood THAT hav made him feel?

sendin you my bestest HOPE, truth.

sara

Mystery,

It sounds like you have come such a long way in understanding yourself and now understand what you were afraid of that kept you away from your children.

It is sad when we have parents that are examples of what parents should NOT be like. I have always looked at parents as being examples of either what WE WANT to be like in our lives or as examples of what WE DON'T WANT to be like in our lives. We can use our parents to learn from either way we want to use them as examples. It is important to look at them & then imagine in our own mind what kind of ideal parent we really would have wanted to have had. When we are able to realize what the ideal parent would be like in our own mind, then we can try to emulate being that kind of person we wanted them to be like. We can try to be the kind of parent we always wanted our parents to be.

It is normal to have that fear that you have had of ending up like your father. You didn't have any other example to learn from. Most people I know that have experienced a similar situation end up with the same kind of fear you have.

It is also normal to want to make sure that you won't be the same kind of father that you had, & the easiest way to do that is to stay away from your children & not take any chance of making that mistake. Or as some people have explained.....run as fast as we can in the other direction. The important thing is that you sound like you have so much love for your children that it is truely sad to keep that love away from them.

It seems to me that you have learned from your father what you don't want a father to be like. It also seems to me that it could be a good thing for your children to get to know you. You have alot to offer them along with the love you have for them. You can also offer them the knowledge & understanding of what you went through as a child & provide them with the understanding of why you weren't there for them. The experience you have gone through in your childhood with your own father can also teach your children to understand that situations like yours exist in the real world & it doesn't mean that your love isn't or wasn't there for them. It just means that your desire to protect them from a situation like you went through was important to you.

Your fear has controlled you for so long......maybe it is time to face your fear & try to let your children know just how much you love them & how fear kept you away from them by trying to protect them. It is important for them to realize that fear can create situations like this, but there is a time to face the fear & work through it. Your children deserve to know your love for them & get to know you & to understand the reality of the situation that you have gone through. It can also be a chance to help them understand how much fear can control lives.

It wasn't your fault. You didn't have anyone to give you guidence to let you know there could be help for what you were going through. Fear can keep us from understanding ourselves when we don't even know that it is fear that is doing it to us.......like you said....maybe with 20/20 hindsight, you would have been able to get some good professional help to get you through your fear before is ended up controlling you so completely but when we are going through a situation, we don't even understand why we are doing what we are doing.

It is hard when we don't have anyone to guide us through a situation. Tto know what to do or what kind of help we needed at the timel or even that help was needed. What happened in your life has happened, & that can't be changed, but the situation you went through can be turned into a good thing for your children to learn from. It can give them a good chance to learn about how serious fear can be & how it can end up controlling a situation, but there can be help to work through it. Learning how to deal with fear is a very important lesson in life.

You have so much to offer your children on top of all the love you have been holding inside for them. Just because you were afraid to be there for them, didn't mean that you didn't love them......as a matter of fact, it probably was an indication of how much you really did love them.

If you approach the situation in a loving way, I am sure that your ex & the man that has been the father of your children will be open to letting you into your childrens lives. You deserve a chance to be with your children & they deserve the chance to know you & know the love you have for them.

You are a valuable person & father to your children......you need to realize how truely valuable you are. I hope this can help you at least realize that you deserve to have your children in your life & that there is no reason why a new chapter in your life & theirs can't start now.

Hugz,
Debbie