[Black Moon]

I have only been on site for 2 days but feel so much relief when I can share my thoughts feelings on here.
I just want to know how does one cope with the death (for whatever reason) of someone that was so close to you.
My sister shot herself 3 years ago. It was the day before her birthday. The day before my brothers daughters wedding. We were so close we spoke almost daily although we were in different towns. On the Tues she sms'd saying "hello stranger" and I was busy at work and I said I'd call her back and I never did. Did this influence what she did. Could I have stopped it. Her husband held the phone to her ear at about 10pm and I said goodbye. She died at 1 in the morning and for some reason my family only phoned me at 7am. I am still angry about that. I was the closest to her. I wanted to go say goodbye for closure in the morgue but my family wouldn't let me. I regret that to this day. I miss her so much. Not a second of a day goes by without me thinking about her.

Is it normal to still feel so totally devasted by her death 3 years on? I still sms her. I still pick up the phone when I see a horse I like etc and then think "she's gone I will NEVER speak to her again". How does one come to terms with that.

[Sabrina]

Black Moon, welcome to the forum. I am glad that you have found a place to express your feelings.
I don't have any answers for you, but I do believe there is no time limit on grief. I think it is perfectly normal to be experiencing what you are 3 years on.

I also want to say that I am very sorry for your tragic loss.

[madisgram]

possible trigger....i agree with sabrina, there is no time limit on grief. especially under the circumstances you shared. i still miss my bgf from 20 years ago but as time has gone by i am better able to deal with the loss of her. we shared everything with each other until that day she didn't tell me what she planned to do. at first i was angry...how dare she!!!! but realized that sadly she was in such a dark place that she felt alone, all alone, even tho i could walk to her house, etc. had she called me, etc. that makes me the saddest...she "forgot", in her state of mind that i was there for her for all times..good and bad.
you asked if you could have stopped what your sister did....there are so many unanswered questions those of us have had losing a loved one this way. we will never really know the answer. i learned i had to get out of the debating society on my loss of her cause i just don't know the answers. i wish my friend had not felt so "alone". that is the hardest part for me to deal with but in reality that is the way she felt.
i'm sorry you were not notified sooner, etc. i don't know your family's reasoning on this. but glad you are talking about it here at pc. it won't take away your loss but i hope you will find some solace here.

[lynn P.]

I'm very sorry for your loss and I agree with the others about the time line for grief. I think it's natural to have to many questions and go through the 'what if's'. I don't think you not speaking with her when you did, had anything to do with her decision. I believe they are very sick and we can't blame them for their decision. They feel a terrible pain...they're tired and want it to end. I don't believe God will punish them for being mentally ill.

My brother took his life 2 1/2 yrs ago with alcohol poisoning. At 1st I was angry and shocked. Then the morning of the service I was getting ready to go to the funeral and discovered by reading in the paper - that my SIL had him cremated before we got to see him. My oldest brother flew 4 hours and never got to see his brother. I'm like you - I desperately needed to say good bye and get closure -I was denied that. I was livid and couldn't even go to the service because I was afraid of punching out my SIL

I called her and told her how shocked I was, that she didn't give us the chance to see our brother and you know what she said - " Oh me and my daughter, can't stand to be around dead bodies". What a poor excuse. She could have told me and my siblings to come when she/daughter weren't there, so we could see our brother one last time. So I was shocked by my brothers suicide and then stunned beyond belief at not being able to see MY brother - just like I was stabbed twice and then have vinegar poured on it. Sorry for the venting.

I came here to PC for a marriage problem, but talking here about my brothers suicide helped me a great deal. Talking took the shame out of the whole taboo of suicide. I share my story is hopes that it will save a life. I realized that I have a gift, of being able to reach others in their time of need. I'm sorry that my brother felt compelled to do this but I won't allow it to ruin my life. You also will come to realize, you can make peace with your sisters decision.

[embracinglife]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think it is perfectly normal for you to be experiencing grief after three years, especially with a suicide. I lost my grandma to suicide almost three years ago. I feel some of the same feelings as you, especially anger at her for not reaching out to us when she could have. Suicide is a very hard thing to grieve. If you have not done so I would reccommend finding a therapist that you feel comfortable talking to about this. I hope that someday your grief is transformed into peace. <3

[Black Moon]

thank you everyone for your stories and support and advice. Just 'knowing' that i can talk about it helps. My surviving sister will not speak about, does not tell people our sister took her life like it's a shameful act. She did not attend the cremation / ceremony either so cannot relate to how i felt watching coffin get lowered. Her husband is the one that sexually abused me my whole life and i know what it feels like when in laws take over. They hated her and disowned their son when he married her but they came to funeral, helped organise things, sat in front rows while my mom, my daughter and i sat at back. The MIL yawned during ceremony! I have a black moon tattooed on my shoulder as we played nianel - who painted the moon black throughout ceremony. I have sister, remembrance and peace underneath it. I so hope she,s at peace now. Thanks again for sharing your experiences. Hugs

[cocoa58]

Black Moon, I'm so sorry! No, there is no time limit on grief and especially from a suicide death. I lost my brother in 2005 to suicide. We were close - and 5 years later I still go through grief episodes.

I have been told to have closure and let him go - but I don't want to. And with suicide you have a whole host of feelings - with my brother's death I felt abandoned, alone, angry, sad, devastated - and add to that my entire family structure changed and I was almost cut out of the family. Suicide is now a big issue in my family too and wasn't so much before.

So trust me - I know. I am very sorry and hugs to you!

[cocoa58]

Black Moon - don't know if you're into reading but there is a book I like called "An Empty Chair" by Sara Swan Miller and its about sibling suicide. If it interests you, you might check it out - sometimes a local library might have it. Just a thought - hope it helps.

Originally Posted by cocoa58

Black Moon, I'm so sorry! No, there is no time limit on grief and especially from a suicide death. I lost my brother in 2005 to suicide. We were close - and 5 years later I still go through grief episodes.

I have been told to have closure and let him go - but I don't want to. And with suicide you have a whole host of feelings - with my brother's death I felt abandoned, alone, angry, sad, devastated - and add to that my entire family structure changed and I was almost cut out of the family. Suicide is now a big issue in my family too and wasn't so much before.

So trust me - I know. I am very sorry and hugs to you!

[susan888]

Black Moon, I don't think you ever get over a loved one's suicide. My Dad did that when I was 8 years old and to this day I still think of things I might have done differently. My family also would not speak of it, talk about it...it was a shameful secret....The best advice I could give you would be to talk about it. Talk about it to family that can support you, talk about the good memories, talk about the love you shared with your sister, and if you are feeling survivor's guilt like most of us do....talk to a counselor.

Sending you much love and understanding,

Susan

[sugahorse1]

I hope you are feeling somewhat better.
While I don't have the answers, nor the experience, I am here for you to vent and talk to at any time. I have been in a place similar to your sister, so I do understand the urge to want it to all end. Please don't hold yourself responsible - you did everything you could, but ultimately you need to understand that she was ill, and it was all out of your hands xxx

[Tsunamisurfer]

Black Moon, if I could squeeze you so hard that the pain and loss would all melt away and be replaced by a flood of peace, love, and happy memories, I would. But I have no such magical powers. I can only ache for you and pray for your healing.
Know you are loved.

Peter

[Laurie1041]

Dear Black Moon,

I don't know exactly how we come to accept tragic loss. People say "Time heals all wounds", but I personally don't believe this. I lost my husband when he was only 49, almost 2 years ago, and to this day, I wake up some mornings feeling the same physical and emotional symptoms that come with deep grief. I am still grieving for what was and what may have been.

I go to a survivor's grief support group. I realized I could not do this on my own, nor was I meant to. In my support group, it helps me to know that I am not alone in my grief. I have been comforted and I have comforted others.

"Grief work" or the concept of learning how to deal with all the thoughts, feelings, and emotions concerning death in a manner which promotes true healing is available. I found this book to be very, very helpful:

http://www.amazon.com/Grief-Recovery.../dp/0060952733

I also attended a grief recovery workshop which was very, very, helpful:

http://www.grief-recovery.com/Worksh...l_workshop.htm

And lastly, a website and forum for survivor's of suicide - this helped me greatly after my best friend committed suicide and helped me with the enormous guilt that I carried:

http://www.survivorsofsuicide.com/

There are people who know exactly how you feel - who will never judge you or tell you "to get over it". Participating in doing the work of grief with guidance and counsel, has been very helpful to me. I wish you all the best, Laurie

[dop&boof]

Dear Blackmoon, my son took his life 3 years ago, 7 weeks before his 30th birthday. I think of him every day. I go thru the 'wish I'd' 'Why didn't I' 'wish I hadn't' 'if only' My biggest 'if only' is if only I could see & talk to him one more time.
I couldn't find any grief counselling groups near us but found 'survivors of suicide' on Facebook. I found that better than any live group & made online friends with a number of people.
Suicide grief is completely different to any other bereavement & takes longer to deal with. There is no time frame.
One thing I say to people...when they say 'you'll get over it'. huh. you never get over it...you learn to live with it.
I still talk about him all the time, I think his brother & sister get a bit taken aback when I bring him into the conversation but he's part of our family, always was, always will be. When people ask I alway say I have 3 kids.
Mmm... anyway this is just to let you know you're not the only one & if you need to talk I'm here.
big hugs