Lost father

Hi,

Please forgive me as I ramble, as I try to understand what it is that I am feeling. In 2004 I had to make the decision to remove my Father from Life Support. It was one of the most, there is no word for it. I had not seen my father since I was 5 years old, the only memories I carried thru with me thru all the abuse growing up was that he loved me, and for reasons I could not remember and was never told, he was taken away from me. I kept firmly in my heart that someday someway he would find me and make the hurt stop. That changed later in my 20’s when after an acute traumatic experience which resulted in a hospitalization, the nightmares started, and a conversation with my mother set in motion a series of flash backs and memories of a hostage situation which had occurred after my father shot and killed someone and came home and held me at gun point. I did not remember any of this, childhoods veil, and part of a disorder I have from the traumas, but I was surprised to get a call from the Red Cross some 40 years later, in 2004, that he was in a hospital in a nearby state, and as they had rummaged thru his belongings they found phone numbers, which eventually led them to me. I am the eldest child of four sisters, 3 living. Our lives have been hell, riddled with physical and sexual childhood abuse, drug abuse, domestic violence, a legacy from a dysfunctional upbringing. I have broken away, trying to end the cycle, but by God it’s hard, but when I talked with the hospital, they had told me he had a very serious stroke, and had been suffering so much. They had him on tubes, infection riddled his body, open ulcers to the bone, just a living hell, he was not responsive to pain, for all intensive purposes only the machines were keeping him alive, they needed someone to make the decision to remove him from life support. There is so much more but briefly, it came down to me having to make the decision. I did not want to, parts of me still yearned to be reunited with that childhood memory kept alive by a broken heart, but in the end, I could not even face him in death, even though the hospital encouraged me to be present for his removal, all I could do was ask that he not be there alone, not even someone who had abandoned me years ago deserved that hell...oh does this hurt.

My dilemma is the deep pain and guilt from the lost relationship, the childhood innocence lost, what the heck is this that I am being forced to relive, is this grief? has anyone had to remove a parent they didn’t have contact with from life support, any guidance and input, I feel so confused.

sorry I guess I should have put a trigger in here since it references violence.

Evangelista - I know that there are at least two other members at PC who can relate to your situation almost exactly. I hope that they contact you. I'm sorry for what you've had to go through

I don't think you have anything at all to feel guilty about on this. Certainly not your fault that you were abused by this man and then had to make the decision to have machines turned off that were doing the work for him. Please don't feel guilty

Evangelista,

What you've described sounds like the ultimate nightmare. I'm so sorry for all you've been through. Having to take someone off of life-support is one of the worst decisions a person has to make period, but you had to do this on top of so many other issues. No wonder you feel confused.

Have you tried seeing a professional T to help you sort through the conflicting emotions you must have for this man, who is your father?

Hugs,

Jane (EJ)

I am in Therapy, I keep grief reactions at a distance because they are so overwhelming, and I am not very good at processing negative emotions, I realize I need to work harder to process this after my reactions posting this on the forum though last night. I went into Therapy almost 7 months after I removed him, I fought it, I thought I should have been able to keep my emotions under check, afterall I had not seen him in so long but again I had not realized how much this has hurt me. But thank you for the words of support everyone.