My brothers death, now he haunts me {extreme detail}

My elder brother commited suicide 18-03-1994, there was so much involved in the build up to his death, too much to squeeze into a single post. Mark stole a shotgun and was going to murder his girlfriend, the police were pursuieng him in force with two helicopters. He was driving a car at 84mph and shot himself in the face, the car veered off the motorway and struck a tree, severing his body in two.
I had to identify Marks body, he had no head anymore, I was only supposed to see his left arm to identify his tattoo, but the bloke at the morgue pulled the sheet right off Marks body. The site of him caused a hundred different thoughts and emotions to explode within me. I couldn't identify him by his remains, there wasn't enoug of much left to identify clearly. Because of this, I had to watch the police helicopter footage as there was footage of the drivers profile. The film operator was meant to stop the footage moments before the gun went off, the footage of the drivers profile was seconds before the gun went off. I couldn't figure if anything was real anymore by this time, suddenly Marks face was on the small screen and moments later the gun went off. I sat in utter horror as I saw Marks head explode and then saw the car veer of the road and to then see his upper torso being flung through the front of the car.
Sorry, this is causing me too much distress to keep going right now........

This is just such a horrific, painful tragedy.

I am so sorry this happened to you and your family.

The loss of a loved one is difficult enough but these circumstances are extreme.

Are you getting professional help with this?

Write more when you are ready, but don't push it.

There are people here to support you.

Petunia

i am so sorry that you've been through such a horrible tragedy.

losing someone close to you is very difficult and i hope that you are getting some help, from a therapist, dealing with this.

as Pet said, post when you feel like it. xoxoxo pat

Oh my, that is just unimaginable, I am so sorry. Those are strong images to be burned into your mind. I hope you are getting help with this.

So much for a heart to endure, I am so sorry for your loss.
I hope coming to PC and it's wonderful members, can bring some comfort to you.
My heart goes out to you. I am sending my deepest wishes for strength and healing.
Please take care, and know we are here.
Sincerely,
Rosanne

((((((((((( FleeingFox )))))))))))))

Hi. My brother hung himself in January, 2005. I don't believe that I will ever get the vision outta my mind. It's hard to go on...but go on we must. Take good care of yourself.

I'm so very sorry you are in so much pain. The circumstances surrounding your brother's death and the images you had to see make this harder to deal with than "ordinary" grief. Do not ever think you have to rush the process. We are hear to listen and help if we can. I hope you getting professional help as well.
Take care

what a terrible thing to go through.....if you ever need a shoulder.....i'll be here for you......

{You're all so incredibly kind and gentle, I don't quite know how to respond to you all, thank you all.
Mark and I were raised together in state institutions because our mother abused us, she got away with it for 5yrs of my childhood, but her neighbours saw me hiding from her in the garden one day, I was dreadfully bruised all over my face, neck and body, her neighbours called the police because she came thundering out the house after me and knocked me about the head from one end of the garden to another.
I realise many of you may think our family were traumatised by Marks suicide, my mother and Dad are both dead, Mark was my only brother. We never new any other family members in this country, if there are any, in terms of blood family, I'm alone here now.

I've been to therapy, it didn't help.}

The day before Mark killed himself, we'd had a terribly row, he was always hitting me and calling me names, I lost my temper with him and spat venemously at him that I wished he would f-off and kill himself. Marks face brimmed with shock and distress, he stopped hitting me and said very quitely, "I love you Bro'", he turned and stormed out.
I waited up all night for him to come back to our house, I just sat in silence staring out og the front room window at the gate, waiting and hoping he would be coming home soon, he didn't come. I eventually got so tired I had to surrender to the demands of my fatigued body, I fell asleep instantly.
I awoke in a cold sweat and with a pounding heart, I could hear the kettle on the ring boiling away, I also heared the grill clanking as it was being slid into the cooker, the delicious scent of bacon and coffee assault my system, I was ravenous.
Having cleaned myself up a little, I plodded downstairs to eat breakfast with Mark, I walked into the kitchen, Mark was at the cooker frying eggs, I grumpily said goodmorning to him, he ignored me. He eventually turned around and tossed several rounds of toast on my plate, along with half a dozen rashers of bacon and four eggs, my stomach growled. Mark was pouring my favourite coffee into my mug when the doorbell rang, I ignored it, we weren't expecting anyone. The door ringer was persistent, the ringing became an annoying banging on the door.
Without even a single taste of my yummy to be breakfast I trudged to the front door, upon opening the door I was confronted by the sight of a cheaply suited middle aged balding man and a dreary looking younger female in a tacky pin-stripped skirt suit.
Barely able to hold my frustration I bellowed my displeasure at them, "what do you want".
They introduced themselves as CID officers, my hackles flew up, feckin pigs, that's just great, I told them to p-off.
The male put his foot in the door, I swung the door back open and repeated my direction with more vigour, they took it rather well really. The male copper asked me a single question next, he asked me if I knew my Bro'. I responded with my usual wit and charm and told him to f-off.
He again stopped me from shutting the door, by this time my patience was almost gone.
The next thing he said didn't register straight away, he just blurted it out, my head jarred violently. I shouted angrily at them, telling them I didn't think this was f'ing funny. The male copper repeated his statement that my Bro' had commited suicide and he requested that I come along to identify the body.
My head was swimming giddily, I stepped back into the hallway and looked into the kitchen, another head jarr, my breakfast was gone, the smell of coffee, bacon and eggs was gone, the kitchen was empty.

This is really hard, sorry, I've got to stop again, my eyes are too sore.

(((((FleeingFox)))))

I can't say anything that will ease the horrendous pain that you are feeling. I'm truly sorry for your loss and what you have had to see. Those images must haunt you all the time, I'm sure. I know the images of my mom dying of cancer haunt me all the time. They are not nearly as bad as what you have gone through.

You have my warmest thoughts and best wishes!

Your story is deeply moving. In my experience talking and talking and talking some more helps over time to make the wound less painful. I am sorry that your last words together were unpleasant but you are not responsible for the choice he made. Keep on talking.

This is so painful. I am so very sorry.

(((((((((((((((((fleeingfox)))))))))))))))))
we are so sorry for your loss my familys thoughts are with you

I can't add much more to what has already been said. We're here for you. Keep talking. (((((BIG HUGS))))

Wow, I'm so very sorry for what you had to go through. Images like that never seem to go away no matter how much you try. I can't really say much, because most of it has already been said.

Hang in there, and know that their are people there for you. You're never truely alone.

<3

I can only imagie what you are going through, my mum died in an equally horrific way when I was 12,wont go into details here, dont feel like talking about it.

Time will help you.

I dont know, maybe that experiance was your brothers way of letting you know hes alright and hes sorry for leaving you, or maybe its just your minds way of coping with the trauma, I believe due to my own experiances that we often just know when a loved one is dead or in some sort of trouble.

He clearly wasnt in his right mind at all to do what he did.

I know its awful to have those horrific memories burned into your mind, but it may even help you in the long run, because its always better to confront the truth i suppose, or maybe not, I dont know, Im just trying to be consoling here, its probably not helping at all.

Dont bottle up your grief whatever you do.

and just because one therapist didnt work for you, doesnt mean another one wont.

You will get through this and it wont always be this awful and you will find people who really understand and can help you. Hold on.

Take care

Lexicon, Wisewoman, Sabrina, Katheryn, Magickal, Silvergriffin.....yours words of kindness have touched my heart, thank you.

Ovidblue, I understand you completely, and your words have been helpful, thank you for caring.

Fury, I've asked myself those questions a million times, do you know, I still don't have an answer. I know that will seem crazy, perhaps even unbelievable, but the fact is, I'm not angry with myself or Mark!
His abandonment of me hurts me more than mere words alone could ever express, I still can't believe he left me here alone. We were raised with one another in state institutions, Mark was all I ever knew or understood. Until his death, we were almost inseparable, we used to do virtually everything together. We even got our own contract firm running, we lived together and we ate together, heck, until we started renting a house we even slept together in our Bedford van.
My entire world just fell to pieces around me when Mark died, a bomb could have gone off under my backside, it couldn't have hurt me any deeper than the gaping wound which had wrenched my heart in two. I've known terrible pain in my life, pain which defies description, none of it could compare, it all seemed laughable after that terrible day.
I only wish you were correct in saying there are people in this world whom care about me, I have a woman and a daughter, but they don't need me, my daughter needs me to be her daddy but my woman, she doesn't need me any more than anyone else has ever needed me. If I were to be gone from this realm tomorrow, she would find someone else in no time at all. People don't 'need' me, therefore, they cannot truly care for me, I 'need' my brother, I thought he needed me, I guess I was wrong..........

Fleeing,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother. The mistakes by the other two people involved in the aftermath made your loss so much more complicated and horrible. It is awful that you had to go through all of that. I can't even imagine what that was like for you.

I lost my morther on 3/19/97. Almost the same day as your brother.

Hugs,

EJ

I don't know what to say really.... *hugs*

((((((EJ & Catnip)))))


I'm struggling with letting this out, too many raw memories have surfaced, sorry for seemingly stopping, I just need some time..........

Hi, I'm new here. I posted on the grieving topics earlier tonite. I think I know some of the pain you are experiencing, my son died of a self-inflicted gunshot to his head, 2 years ago now. I pray all the time for contact from him. Have you thought that maybe he came to you that morning and breakfast was a way of him caring for you? Maybe saying that all was well between you, even though you argued, and he was showing you he loved you?
I hope to hear more from you, I do know you are in turmoil. I too feel like just screaming and screaming, till I can't anymore. But I can't, I'm too old, people would call the police and I can't be hauled off to jail...
Let me know how you are, O.K.?

I've just come back into this thread after a break from it, not sure I'm up to keeping it going just yet.
Thank you HelloItsMe, I understand what you're saying, perhaps that was my Bro's way of saying goodbye, but I don't believe so.
My brother walks beside me pretty much all day long, day in and day out, he gives me privacy when I need it and he goes off and does his thing without me around, not so sure where he goes though, I've asked him, he told me that I will visit there soon enough!?!
Part of my concern regarding my brother being with me is that I can not only see him, I can smell him, touch him and hear him, for my sensory inputs sake, my brother is alive, but he can't be, no one else sees him. Well, Sahfyre sees him sometimes, he makes her laugh, and I mean real belly laughs, but he makes her cry sometimes too. My cat Cleopatra sees him too, she used to be afraid of him, but she's got used to him now I think.
My mental health support team say I see him because I'm ill, so why do Sahfyre and Cleo see my brother?