[Grey Matter]

I can't listen to my mother tell me "If I knew he would die, I wouldn't have had any of you" or "all I need to do is die" when I ask her to take her meds and "maybe I'll go join him" or "I am going to become an alcoholic"

I am depressive, I am un-medicated. I am terrified and sick and alone and no one at home cares (family friends...nothing) because I am the care giver. But now I am alone.

He had to die, of course he did. And now I am stuck picking up the damn mess he left. And yes I am angry at him because it wasn't fair.

Everyone expects me to rescue them. Yet no one wants to god damn help rescue me.

[lynn P.]

(((Teen Idle))) - I'm so sorry you lost your brother and you're burdened with so much responsibility. Its not fair your mother says these things to you. Has she has grief counseling and do you have a therapist you can vent to?? Often with the death of child, sometimes the other living siblings are over looked. She needs to live for the living. You need to branch out and live yourself too. Its also normal to feel angry as part of grief. You have the right to feel angry and sad.

[Grey Matter]

Thank you, Lynn. We're both in therapy. She goes, she acts like she is okay for the most part, she gets her meds, and then comes home. It's just getting to me. I love hear to death, I would do anything for her, but I have no idea how we're going to make it through the month let alone the year. It's like she is mad at me and my sister sometimes because we're living, and she knows how she is coming off because she constantly asks "Am I still a good mother?"

No one questions her on her bad days. But when I have a bad grief day, she questions me. Why is it bothering me. Clearly she has it the worst.

I am just done. I want to wash my hands of it because I am angry at so many people. I cant be the god damn savior of everyone anymore. Especially when no one cares about me in return. It's too much.

[beauflow]

Clearly she has it the worst.

I grew up where I always thought and was told-- "they got it worse, have it worse" basically what am I whining about... It invalidates one to think this way with their own emotions and pain and feelings. It is not healthy (for most i don't think imo). I don't think there is a "scale" for one's pain of who has it worse- we each have own,... You are very considerate person for thinking your pain is less, but in the end-- who is to decide that- your pain is your pain, and it means a great deal and should be noted.

It's like she is mad at me and my sister sometimes because we're living, and she knows how she is coming off because she constantly asks "Am I still a good mother?"

Going through grief and with a suicide, is very difficult. It is hard to understand- if ever understanding is grasp for some. 's it is misdirected anger towards you and your sister. (as you probably already know) but I am sorry you are having to go through this 's

I cant be the god damn savior of everyone anymore. Especially when no one cares about me in return. It's too much.

's
Care for self first 's I Know It is hard when you are put in the position and have been given the title of a care giver in any fashion. But at the same time-- we all can not save everyone-- some times people do need to save themselves.... I am not sure what the full story is but some times with others, leaning too much on one person- is not good for that person even. and it is very heavy on the one that is being leaned on with no one for themselves to lean on.

I remember one time i was told when struggling with coping with my brother's issue-
When people are in an airplane - what do they say first to the adults with children--- For the Adult to put on the air mask first, then to help the child---- The adult is no help if they don't help themselves first....

's
I don't know if any of this helps but I hope you well and many well thoughts your way s

[Gus1234U]

it helps me to remember not to set things in concrete... use the words, Sometimes, Often, Right Now, i AM feeling, etc.

when we talk to ourselves in terms of Always, Again, Never, No One, they ALL.... it can sap us of the belief in our ability to survive, and change....

this is one of the ways we can "take care of ourselves"... there are so many more; focusing on learning them is a good way to pass the time

best wishes,
Gus

[Grey Matter]

Thank you all. I wish I could respond all individually but I am hysterical right now.

My mom wants to leave. She wants to go stay with my grandmother in Florida. She's buying tickets as I speak with money we don't have. And she tells me this knowing she has doctors for her HEART and she goes "I don't care. Maybe I'll get a heart attack and just die already." and i JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I told her FINALLY "PLEASE stop saying things like that!" and she told me "Bring your brother back, then."

I'M SORRY HE WAS TERMINALLY ILL. IT'S NOT MY FAULT HE DIED. I CAN'T BRING BACK THE DEAD TO HAVE A DECENT FAMILY AGAIN

I am just done. Done done done I feel so alone at home and now she's leaving me when I need her the most so what is even the point of anything. Everyone gets to escape, i dont. I dont have that god damn privilege. I am done hearing how everyone wants to die and how it doesn't matter ha ha like I ever mattered anyway I am just the kid that gets all of the crap to deal with and none of the support

Im finsihed.

[lynn P.]

I don't recall how old you are ((Teen Idle)) and whether you could move out independently or not. I'm going to share a bit about my own history and hope it helps you. First of all - often when people are very depressed and dysfunctional, its like they're in a tunnel. They only think of themselves and can't see other people's feelings.

I was 2 when my father died and my mother was left with 5 kids...me being the youngest. My older 3 siblings got married and me/my brother were left. By the time I/my brother were in our 20's, my mother was getting older with some health problems. Both of us were overly attached to my mother and I felt guilty about moving on with my life. When she suffered a massive stroke, I prayed to take her place, but she survived disabled. My brother never moved on with his life until she had to go in a nursing home. I got married eventually.

What I'm trying to say is - sometimes dysfunctional families hold other members of the family back. You're wonderful for feeling responsible, but you need to think about your own life too. Your mothers an adult and she shouldn't load your brothers death on you - you're grieving too. I hear a lot of passive/aggressiveness in your mom's statements. Eventually I had to loosen the apron strings a little. My mother became too dependent on us emotionally. Maybe her moving with her mother would be a good idea or is this just a ploy? You're young and need to think of your future.

[Grey Matter]

I am 22. Soon to be 23. Thank you for sharing all of that, some of it makes more sense now.

It's hard for me to move out because I do not have a money and I am currently unemployed. I do not qualify for SSI even though I worked for years, so I'd have no income or way of living. Though I know I could easily live alone and manage myself. Despite how it may seem (not saying you at all suggested it, just in general) I am vastly independent. The only time I ask for help from my family is when I am really struggling. Like now. Normally I wouldn't. But my meds got taken away, the anniversary of my brothers death is weeks away, as well as my birthday, and I am just not doing well. If I had the ability to leave, I would. But I don't.

Personally, for myself, I do not fear death. If I die, I die. I've no idea if something is waiting for me on the other end or not, and that's fine. But I have a phobia of more of my family dying. My dad already has a prognosis of five more years of life. It's terrifying.

I am just too tired. I am cried out and sick. I get it, she lost a child. But I lost my best friend, my big brother. My sister lost the same. My dad lost a son. And yes we all have our days where we cry and wish we could have him back, but we try and work through it. It's like she's just given up. She has an excuse to be the living dead now. She used to be so full of life, even as a physically disabled person. She'd talk to me, we'd go out together, we'd have family dinners and not argue. But now it's like shes not here anyway. I don't have my brother anymore, and I no longer have my mom. I am entirely alone here.

If she wants to go, she can go. It's not like she's really here anyway. She left when my brother did. I just wish it didn't have to be that way. I've lost my extended family, my brother, my mom. What else am I going to have in a few months? Even a few weeks? Nothing. I am broke and hopeless and alone and even when I reach out to my friends, they deny me any care. Telling me how busy they are.

I don't know why I fear being alone when I already am alone. It's like she's died anyway. What's the point.

[lynn P.]

((Teen Idle)) - they say a parent losing a child is the worst pain, so its understandable how this has impacted your mother. I hope she'll realize she has to keep going for the living. Probably she's consumed by this pain - is she in grief counseling or maybe a parent support group. Since you're a caretaker you obviously are independent, but be aware you may me the rescuer type. You deserve credit for being supportive and you'll move out when its time. Its natural to feel extra sadness on anniversaries and birthdays. You're good at expressing yourself. Sorry you're suffering.

[Grey Matter]

She is. But she isn't applying any of the coping skills to her life, which I get because when I am depressive I don't do anything. She refuses the testing for PTSD even though I KNOW she has it. She is just already gone. I am starting to see that there isn't any point in trying. She doesn't really seem to care what happens to me at this point anyway.

I am having horrid withdrawals from no zoloft and i feel like I should go to the hospital and she said "You're fine. I have high blood pressure so who cares. No one."

Yeah well. I'm done for the day. I've no hope left.

[lynn P.]

Are you going through withdrawals because you want to go the Zoloft or because you are able to get the prescription filled. Maybe someone who knows about Zoloft withdrawals will post. Fairly sure people have to taper off gradually. I found some info on this topic and pray you'll find relief soon:

Zoloft withdrawal symptoms - Stop suffering now

[Grey Matter]

My therapist cut my refill and I am not seeing her till August so I went from 100mgs to nothing. Which is taking a huge toll on my body and my brain, but ha ha it's fine, not like she'd care until it's too late. Then I'll get yelled at and asked why I didn't say something sooner.

Thank you for the link and all of the advice. I look through it and see what I can do.

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by Teen Idle

My therapist cut my refill and I am not seeing her till August so I went from 100mgs to nothing. Which is taking a huge toll on my body and my brain, but ha ha it's fine, not like she'd care until it's too late. Then I'll get yelled at and asked why I didn't say something sooner.

Thank you for the link and all of the advice. I look through it and see what I can do.

That's irresponsible of her. Do you have a family physician or can you take your empty bottle to a clinic and explain this is what you're normally on and its not good to stop this med suddenly? Many psych meds are meant to be tapered off and its not fair you're suffering. You're welcome Teen Idle.

[Grey Matter]

My mother mocked me for being sick. She told me I am terrible.

I give up.