Sad & Lost & Afraid

I lived with my parents just about all my life. I'm almost 50. I have schizoaffective d/o & am not able to be around people much... it makes my sx's worse. My mom died 2 years ago; I was already going downhill from taking care of her. Monday, I heard my dad hit the floor & ran out to find him unresponsive & not breathing. After rubbing my knuckles in to his chest, he started breathing again. I called 911. After hanging up with them, he stopped breathing again so I started CPR & continued until the paramedics came. He was pronounced dead at the hospital. My brothers (and the family of the married one) drove here from out of state. They left the next day, except one brother, who stayed another day. I've been in touch with my P-doc & T, the former suggested I add some diazepam & the latter has talked to me a couple of times & made sure I could contact him whenever I need to & will see me Monday. I'm trying to stay together, but am spiralling. Unbeknownst to me, my brother authorized an obit in the local paper, which freaked me out when I saw it; it made things more real. I'm worried that people will see the obit & want to stop by. An aunt & uncle (my mom's side) said they will be here as soon as they get back from a trip. I am so anxious at the thought of my space being invaded. I live in a fairly remote & untamed area. I'm also worried that my elderly dog & I will have to leave this sanctuary because of the will. My brother says I will have to sign away my right to inherit. And the partial benefits I get from medicaid may be affected adversely. I keep forgetting my dad is dead. I try not to look where he fell, all the while thinking that I should be quiet because he's asleep in his bedroom. I'm at such a loss. It feels like part of me is just gone. I feel like a drain on the system & the family. If I'd been a better daughter, maybe my parents would have found reasons to live. Sometimes, I think my mom faked her death just to get away from me. I'm having a hard time finding a reason to go on. I was already doing badly before my dad died. I have no one to care for my dog, so I can't go to the hospital. We've only been apart one night since I adopted him 12 years ago. I'm so lost and afraid. I have several other health issues that aren't being helped by this stress. I keep the TV running most of my waking time, as a distraction. The dog is the only reason I get out of bed. These aren't the only losses I've had recently, they are the most significant. I'm sorry this is so long and disjointed. My mind is disjointed.

I am so sorry for your loss. How heartbreaking for you. Please seek help from your T regarding finding some legal advice. You are ill and your brother should not be telling you anything like that, especially right now. But you do need to get some help regarding this to maintain a home & medical care.

I wish I could help you with the visitors that will want to come, out of respect for your dad. Try to remember that it is their way of expressing their grief and also their appreciation of who he was.

Receiving visitors is customary when someone dies. Only do what you are able. Try not to stress too much about it. No one expects anything from a person who is grieving.

Again I am so sorry for your loss(es) I will keep you in my prayers.

Hey, I will tell you this right now. Its. Not. Your. Fault. Okay? It's okay if you don't believe me right now, but what happened is not at all your fault. Going by what you said, how you did CPR, how you tried to help, that tells me more about your character than anything else. Not many people would have been willing to try after seeing a loved one like that. A lot of people would have ran away, called 911, and hid. And you didn't. You fought for him when you were at your most vulnerable. And that is truly incredible. And that makes you an amazing daughter.

Something truly similar happened when we found my brother. He was face down, unresponsive. My mother and I did CPR and kept the time. We continued when the paramedics came. We tried and tried. He was pronounced dead at the hospital an hour later. And I see the spot where he died every morning and I feel horrid. I feel like I failed as a sister. That if I did this, that, and that other thing he'd still be alive. But that isn't how death and illness works. We have no control over that time. And it's horrible.

You're in shock right now. Especially since you found him. It's completely normal and okay to not feel like it all really happened. It's okay to forget. I promise. Our minds do not accept such things at the speed we think it must. Right not, your main concern needs to be you. If you're not ready to see family; you have no obligation. You did your work. You did your fighting. Now, you need to find some peace yourself. The world can remain an irrelevancy for a while. You cannot.

I am so sorry this happened. I am so sorry you found him. I know how hard that is. My thoughts are with you, and I am sending you all of my love. You did all you could. And you're amazing for that, okay?

- Grey

I'm so sorry for your lose. I'm glad you have your dog to comfort you. Take one day at a time. Having lost both my parents in the last few years, I understand the pain it brings. Take care of yourself.
Gayle

I am sorry for your loss

Thank you all for your hugs & kind words. I've been in such a dark place. Your replies helped.

One thing I wanted to say to Teen Idle: Your family is lucky to have you. I, too, lost a brother way too early. It tore my family apart & became a defining moment in our history. In a lot of ways, we dishonored my brother's life by becoming mired in his death. After she died, I started a charm bracelet of good memories of my mom, to help stop the bad memories of her dying a slow death from emphysema.

Oh please don't think that way. You have absolutely no reason to. Your parents died from natural causes and things were beyond your control. Their deaths were not your fault at all. As for your disorder, you did not ask to have it so please don't blame yourself for anything. As for you performing CPR on your father you were truly awesome and proactive. I found my mother and I did not even think to do it. I wish I had.