[Somberly]

My beloved father passed away on December 27, 2014, at the age of 86. I was his caregiver. We lived together for 55 years in the same house. He was my best friend and my hero. He had a lot of health issues, including CHF and chronic kidney disease, but his death still came as a shock to me. After suffering a major heart attack in the hospital, he was placed in Comfort Care. I watched him die from respiratory failure for 36 hours straight. I keep having flashbacks of his suffering. His loss is by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I suffer from insomnia, anxiety and a tingling sensation in my arms.

For the first time in my life I am completely alone. I have no husband, no children, no friends close by. My relatives live far away so I don't see them very often. Almost every day, my father and I used to watch classic films together. For over three months I haven't watched much tv, because it makes me miss my dad too much. I can't listen to the music we both loved without feeling sad and anxious. I don't know anybody else who likes the movies and music which my dad and I loved, so I feel very isolated and like I have lost a huge part of my life. I feel haunted by the past; even the many happy memories don't console me.

I just bought a dvd that I think my dad would have enjoyed. It's an old film called "Cape Forlorn" which I didn't know was available in time for my dad to see it. I wish so much we could have watched it together. I haven't viewed it yet, because I'm afraid I'm going to be too sad without my dad to watch it with me. Every time I experience something good or beautiful, I regret that I can't share it with him. My father was the nicest person I've ever met. I loved him so very much. We understood each other better than anyone else. I feel like I'll never be as happy as I was when he was with me.

[gayleggg]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you. I know when I lost my mother it took quite a bit of time for me to get over the initial shock. She was my best friend, too. It takes time to get through the grieving process. Meanwhile take care of yourself.

[Somberly]

Originally Posted by gayleggg

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you. I know when I lost my mother it took quite a bit of time for me to get over the initial shock. She was my best friend, too. It takes time to get through the grieving process. Meanwhile take care of yourself.

Thank you for your kind message. As the reality is setting in that I'll never see him again, it's agony for me -- more painful than even at his funeral. I don't how other people can stand to live alone, without someone to share even the simplest joys of life. I'm in a special hell now, because the films and music he taught me to love aren't appreciated by most people.

[artichack]

Most people don't count for you and your father....memories are what we have ....with loved ones music...film....nature...that's between you and your father...remembering the special times you spent together....that's what heals the soul....you will have that gift for the rest of your life....Im so sorry for your loss....I am too grieving for a lost one....I hope you can take solace in the good times you shared with your father...Take care....Artie

[fredpants]

your story is similiar to mine. my dad passed away on february 14th, 2014 and i was his caregiver for 10 years. we'd been together all my life and now that he's gone i'm just destroyed. for me it's not getting any easier. i'm having lots of health issues and
i just can't enjoy things because he's not here. i do talk to him all of the time
and sometimes buy things that i know he would've enjoyed. i just can't get
past it and just want to be with him again. life has stopped for me and
i've tried to get back into the swing of things, but it just doesn't work
anymore. all my friends have stopped coming around and i pretty
much stay away from people now. your post was the first time
that i've read about someone going through what i'm going
through. it seemed like i was the only one.

hope all is well with you

[CANDC]

I am sorry for Somberly and Fredpants for your losses. It is so hard to lose someone so much in our lives. Perhaps since you understand each other's loss by experience you might consider writing to each other (Private Message) to check and see how you are coping in the coming days.

There are lots of compassionate people here that can make the load lighter by sharing and caring. Feel free to participate actively at Psych Central.

Many people find compassionate, caring people here at PC. Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

[Ruftin]

__________

[Sabrina]

I'm so sorry for your loss

[Somberly]

Originally Posted by artichack

Most people don't count for you and your father....memories are what we have ....with loved ones music...film....nature...that's between you and your father...remembering the special times you spent together....that's what heals the soul....you will have that gift for the rest of your life....Im so sorry for your loss....I am too grieving for a lost one....I hope you can take solace in the good times you shared with your father...Take care....Artie

I'm very sorry for your loss. I'm grateful for the many gifts my dad gave to me. I derive comfort in knowing that he had me to share his favorite films, music and memories with. It's hard to imagine how dreary life would have been without each other, but now I'm starting to realize just how dreary now that he's gone. Once a person has had a total mind connection with another human being, after they're gone, you feel disconnected and disoriented. My father and I could read each other's thoughts and practically had our own language using idioms and lines from movies, which only we understood.

Cases like mine are rare, because my father was a single parent and I was an only child, and we lived in the same house for 55 years. I have lost other relatives I lived with, including my grandmother, my great uncle and my great aunt. I loved them dearly, but I didn't share as many interests and conversations with them as I did with my father. My dad was the person I relied on most for my daily happiness and emotional support. His presence helped me endure and recover from all the other grief and frustration in my life. Now there is no one who truly understands how I feel, except the other people in this thread, which is a comfort to me and for which I am truly grateful.

[Somberly]

Originally Posted by fredpants

your story is similiar to mine. my dad passed away on february 14th, 2014 and i was his caregiver for 10 years. we'd been together all my life and now that he's gone i'm just destroyed. for me it's not getting any easier. i'm having lots of health issues and
i just can't enjoy things because he's not here. i do talk to him all of the time
and sometimes buy things that i know he would've enjoyed. i just can't get
past it and just want to be with him again. life has stopped for me and
i've tried to get back into the swing of things, but it just doesn't work
anymore. all my friends have stopped coming around and i pretty
much stay away from people now. your post was the first time
that i've read about someone going through what i'm going
through. it seemed like i was the only one.

hope all is well with you

I really feel for your loss. Your post made me cry, because I, too, felt like I was the only one with my experience. Many people love and miss their late parents very deeply, but I think there is an ultimate level of grief that only caregivers who lived happily with their parent all their lives experience. The bond between a single parent and an only child is especially strong. My parents divorced when I was only five years old and I was raised by my father and his mother. My grandmother became ill when I was only eleven years old so I first became a caregiver at a young age. She recovered but then I dropped out of college to take care of her fulltime. Since I never got established in a career, I took care of three more elderly relatives over the next 34 years.

Since my father's death, I have tried to make new friends. I even signed up for a dating service, and got 35 messages, but most of them were from scammers. I have tried spending time with neighbors and cousins, but most of them like to smoke marijuana, which I don't, so I feel like I don't quite fit in with my peers. I can still smile and laugh, but when people want me to dance and sing, my heart is not in it. I have tried going to four churches, but the people there are mostly married with children and hardly speak English. I've tried a couple of bars, but at one of them the bartender and the patrons were doing cocaine. Last night at my neighbor's house, I met a nice lesbian who made a pass at me, but I'm straight. Now I come home to a lonely house and my father's not there for me to talk with about my new experiences. He'd be turning in his grave if he knew I was hanging out with drug addicts, but there's not much else to do in my neighborhood. I don't drive, so my range is limited. I don't want to live anymore, but I don't want to commit suicide, because my father worked hard to raise me and to teach me to appreciate beauty and goodness. But when the people around you don't like what you like, it's hard to be happy.

I finally weaned myself off of Ativan which my doctor prescribed to help me sleep. Benzos are as addictive as heroin! I'm still not sleeping well, so I don't feel good. I feel tightness in my throat from grief and anxiety. I have to do many of the same mundane chores as before, but now I don't have the happiness of my father's company as my reward. Looking for a reward system outside my home is getting expensive. There's only one restaurant which I really like, because there are no associations with my father there, and the food is excellent, but I can't eat there too often or I'll go broke. I don't like dining alone, so I can only go when I can find someone to go with me. Most of the people I know live too far away. I used to entertain a lot in the good old days, but now I don't have the energy. As my father's health declined, friends and relatives stopped coming around as often. I have a hard time forgiving them for abandoning us. Now that I'm alone, some relatives are showing up again, and I feel like they just want to be in my will, because property values are high here. One of them had the audacity to give me a will-making program. Now I don't want to die just to spite them.

[Somberly]

Originally Posted by CANDC

I am sorry for Somberly and Fredpants for your losses. It is so hard to lose someone so much in our lives. Perhaps since you understand each other's loss by experience you might consider writing to each other (Private Message) to check and see how you are coping in the coming days.

There are lots of compassionate people here that can make the load lighter by sharing and caring. Feel free to participate actively at Psych Central.

Many people find compassionate, caring people here at PC. Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek.

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

Thank you very much for the invitation to private message and also to post here in the forum. I am impressed by the empathy and caring people at PsychCentral. I am open to the idea of corresponding privately with interested persons, and posting publicly is a form of group therapy for me. Early on I tried going to a grief support group at a hospice company but the first one got cancelled because the moderator wanted a minimum of eight people and there were only four of us. I tried another grief support group at a church, but it was too far away and only met once a month.

I have already tried three therapists, but found them to be too cold and clinical. One psychologist told me that my problem is that I don't love myself and that for me to love anyone else I have to love myself first. I asked him, "Are you saying that I didn't love my father?" He got annoyed and replied, "You didn't come here to argue with me. If you're going to feel better you have to believe what I'm telling you." I also went to a minister who was a former prison chaplain. I think the prison environment made him too cynical. He even used bad language sometimes. When I told him that some people tell me my father's spirit is here in the house with me, he replied, "Bull$#*@!" I also saw a young female social worker who has never experienced the loss of a parent or a midlife existential crisis. She was nice enough, but I saw her stifling a yawn. When I was crying she handed me a box of tissues and said, "You are still very emotional. I think you are depressed." I am still waiting to be assigned another therapist by Medi-Cal. It is taking weeks.

[Somberly]

I sound so bitter in my next to last post. I am grateful that some of my relatives have been calling and visiting, and that they bothered to show up at the funeral, but I'm sad that some of them didn't visit my dad in the hospital before he died. His sister said she wanted to remember her brother the way he was when she last saw him alive. I know she lives an hour away, but she recently took a chartered flight from California to Texas for a pleasure trip. My dad's sister-in-law said she couldn't make the prayer vigil, because she had to take her granddaughter to a makeup consultation to see which season she is. That may be true, but why tell me about it? The insensitivity of some people is astonishing and contributes to my feelings of isolation.